7.4.2017 (first published this week 2006)
Everybody's got vices and I figure I got my
share and perhaps a few others'. (I do know how to express plurals and
possessives with use (or desuetude) of apostrophes, goddemmit.) I drink
and swear a lot. Enough for a couple fellas for sure. I don't pick
fights much or hit women much, but I blow good cash on comic books,
expensive cheese and bad pr0n. Sometimes I don't bathe for days and
sometimes I leave the catbox far too long unattended.
My little
wife is pretty saintly in comparison. She's clean, kempt and courteous.
She's not a teetotaler, mind you. She prefers "quality" over
"quantity." She has got a bad problem, though, bordering on a vice:
She's powerful fond of tabloids.
She doesn't go for the "World
Weekly News" or the "Sun" or the "Inquirer," no, she prefers her tabloid
glossy, staple-bound and high-brow. She goes for "Us" and "People."
I've
had a chance to paw through one or two of these rags while, uh,
"immobilized," and jesus I don't get it. Who cares what those mopes
(celebrities) are up to? JLo's shopping at a gun store. Wow. Jen's
back on the meth. Oh my. Tom and that slut ate their baby. Big shit.
Page after page of who's who in Hollywood, rock, hiphop or whatever.
Got me thinking: "Us?" "People?" If I were the publisher and I was in
touch with a little thing some call REALITY, I'd notice my tabloid
magazines were inappropriately named. "People" would be better named as
"Rich & Famous People Candidly Photographed In Santa Monica By Our
Paparazzi And Whose Activity Was Speculated Upon By Our Staff Of
Writers." It's a mouthful, but it's more accurate. My wife's other
fave, "Us," is really poorly named. Us? Brad Pitt, that whore and me?
Us? No way. They ain't us. Renamed: "Them."
Tonight - It's the last Thursday of the month.
That means The Homestead. 19th and Folsom, SF.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Trinity (REDUX)
7.3.2017 (first posted this week, 2001)
Scandal!
I got nothin' but grief from a lot of ya for leavin' you out of the loop regarding my surprise bday party. Well excuse me but I didn't know much about it during the "planning" and "invite" stages. Being in on the ground-level of one's own surprise party kinda shit-cans the surprise part of the party. That said, I'm awful sorry if you were one of the unlucky that stayed home. You missed a hell of a time.
One last story for the kiddies: The joint is called the Cal-Neva because it's on the border of California and Nevada. ON THE BORDER. They got a pool on the boundary that is striped down the middle showin' what state yer in. They got a swim-up bar in that pool and several list members delighted in sitting in one seat and ordering Everclear shots and getting turned down, only to shift over one and get their shot o' grain alcohol. Sadly, the CHP waded in before the snorkel trick Mr. Metsker was trying on the Cali side got off the ground, but an enterprising interstate Mossy's reenactment of Das Boot on the Silver State's side had everyone - aquacops and waterborne barmen included - falling over laughing. Well enough of all that. No sense in rubbing it in. Instead, I'll try to salve crisped feelings by letting you all in on what I stumbled on: Tryouts (of some sort) for slow-motion kung fu robots!
My guess is that someone's making a movie that features a platoon of robots that do slow-motion kung fu. That's about the only thing it could be. Or maybe a TV show or miniseries. Anyway, let me explain more. I was walking in to work the other day and what with the new apartment, I got a new commute. This takes me past a big church on California Street that has a park across the way. I'm walking on the park side and as I'm dodging some filthy ankle-biter dog that the oldest lady you ever saw is desperately trying to reign in I see a bunch of folks going through some very strange gestural movements. So strange, in fact, that it stopped me dead in my tracks to gape. The little yapper snaps me out of it but the wonder is still in front of me. Dozens of people - young, old, man, woman, child, black, white, brown, yellow - all going through some ritualistic slo mo judo chops and kicks and leg sweeps and sleeper holds. Stunned. That's the easiest way to describe my reaction. I was stunned. If I'd been on my bike, I'da wrecked.
I shook it off and resumed my walk, after watching a while longer. It stayed in my head all the way to work and for most of the day. I don't know for sure that it was a casting call or what. I didn't see any producer-lookin' folks. I didn't see any ubiquitous MiniDV cameras recording the best slow-motion kung fu robots to screen later, so I don't know. Mebbe it was the newest fitness mode, a la Ti Bo. Could be it was a newfangled martial art. My guess it was either tryouts for slow-motion kung fu robots or a new self-defense mode. The kind of new self-defense mode that is so unique, so original, it stupefies the would-be attacker long enough to deliver a slow-motion boot to the head. It'd probably work only once, though.
Tonight's venue is here: Iron and Gold
News: As I'm trying to figure out the mailing list errors, you may notice that a Thursday will go by and you won't receive a message from Robot. Here's the solution: Go to the frikkin' site. All the email is is a link to the site. You sorta don't need it. Just check to see if it's updated. The Venue Announcement is usually posted by 3p.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Scandal!
I got nothin' but grief from a lot of ya for leavin' you out of the loop regarding my surprise bday party. Well excuse me but I didn't know much about it during the "planning" and "invite" stages. Being in on the ground-level of one's own surprise party kinda shit-cans the surprise part of the party. That said, I'm awful sorry if you were one of the unlucky that stayed home. You missed a hell of a time.
One last story for the kiddies: The joint is called the Cal-Neva because it's on the border of California and Nevada. ON THE BORDER. They got a pool on the boundary that is striped down the middle showin' what state yer in. They got a swim-up bar in that pool and several list members delighted in sitting in one seat and ordering Everclear shots and getting turned down, only to shift over one and get their shot o' grain alcohol. Sadly, the CHP waded in before the snorkel trick Mr. Metsker was trying on the Cali side got off the ground, but an enterprising interstate Mossy's reenactment of Das Boot on the Silver State's side had everyone - aquacops and waterborne barmen included - falling over laughing. Well enough of all that. No sense in rubbing it in. Instead, I'll try to salve crisped feelings by letting you all in on what I stumbled on: Tryouts (of some sort) for slow-motion kung fu robots!
My guess is that someone's making a movie that features a platoon of robots that do slow-motion kung fu. That's about the only thing it could be. Or maybe a TV show or miniseries. Anyway, let me explain more. I was walking in to work the other day and what with the new apartment, I got a new commute. This takes me past a big church on California Street that has a park across the way. I'm walking on the park side and as I'm dodging some filthy ankle-biter dog that the oldest lady you ever saw is desperately trying to reign in I see a bunch of folks going through some very strange gestural movements. So strange, in fact, that it stopped me dead in my tracks to gape. The little yapper snaps me out of it but the wonder is still in front of me. Dozens of people - young, old, man, woman, child, black, white, brown, yellow - all going through some ritualistic slo mo judo chops and kicks and leg sweeps and sleeper holds. Stunned. That's the easiest way to describe my reaction. I was stunned. If I'd been on my bike, I'da wrecked.
I shook it off and resumed my walk, after watching a while longer. It stayed in my head all the way to work and for most of the day. I don't know for sure that it was a casting call or what. I didn't see any producer-lookin' folks. I didn't see any ubiquitous MiniDV cameras recording the best slow-motion kung fu robots to screen later, so I don't know. Mebbe it was the newest fitness mode, a la Ti Bo. Could be it was a newfangled martial art. My guess it was either tryouts for slow-motion kung fu robots or a new self-defense mode. The kind of new self-defense mode that is so unique, so original, it stupefies the would-be attacker long enough to deliver a slow-motion boot to the head. It'd probably work only once, though.
Tonight's venue is here: Iron and Gold
News: As I'm trying to figure out the mailing list errors, you may notice that a Thursday will go by and you won't receive a message from Robot. Here's the solution: Go to the frikkin' site. All the email is is a link to the site. You sorta don't need it. Just check to see if it's updated. The Venue Announcement is usually posted by 3p.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Golden Ball (REDUX Deux)
7.2.2017 (first posted this week 2004)
I love how in Windoze when ya have the caps lock key down and yr typin' and you capitalize something and it comes out all fucked up. Here's an example: aLAN IS AN aSSpACK.
Tonight - Kickin' it dEEP Mission w/ Jesus: Lone Palm
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I love how in Windoze when ya have the caps lock key down and yr typin' and you capitalize something and it comes out all fucked up. Here's an example: aLAN IS AN aSSpACK.
Tonight - Kickin' it dEEP Mission w/ Jesus: Lone Palm
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, July 06, 2017
Rosey (REDUX)
7.1.2017 (originally posted this week 2000)
If you had a screw-top head, you could unscrew, carefully lift out your brain and leave it at home Thursday nights so it wouldn't go gettin' in the way. Here are some instances of the damn thing gettin' in the way:
1. You say something stupid. Example: "Can I get a map to the bar, please, I do not know where it is." It's your brain that knows all the words and how to put them together to form a stupid sentence.
2. You do something stupid. Example: You knock over a full pint of your fellow list member's sweet, sweet beer. There again is your brain mucking things up. It tells your arms to flail wildly behind your back without looking over your shoulder to see if anything like a full pint of your fellow list member's sweet, sweet beer is back there.
Do yourself a favor and leave that darn thing at home tonight. Leave it when you're off to:
Dogpatch Saloon (raise a BDay toast to our robotic founder!!)
Are you used to not getting maps yet? Good. Don't hold your breath for one. Most folks can get around a small city just fine, thank you very much. Most others know several excellent web sites that generate M A P S and D R I V I N G D I R E C T I O N S for free. Others are unclear on this concept. I shall not name names, but "you know who you are." New to the list is Amy "Quitter" Whitehead's sister, Sarah. Lisa K. is new too. Oh yeah, and the softball team: Erik, Heather, Patrick, Patrick (a different one), Dave, Woody, Haneefah, and Emily. No one came off the list this week. If you or someone you know want off the list (or need the TNSC weekly sent to an alternate address) lemme know.
Tonight's Contest: NEW CONTEST: "Guess the Random Number." (Thanks for the suggestion Bobo.) Also: "Name the Softball Team," and "Design the Softball Team's Uniform."
Tonight's Arts and Crafts: It's difficult to report this, but "Tonight's Arts and Crafts" is being discontinued. It seems that a nasty little feud going on between Carl and Todd ever since that scrape they had in the hopscotch contest (see "DEW" (6.2.2K)). The feud spilled over into Arts and Crafts, and last week's WICKER! Arts and Crafts theme got out of hand. Todd set fire to a really great wicker chaise lounge that Carl made and Carl retaliated by letting a bunch of cats scratch on the legs of Todd's almost-finished wicker couch. The Founding Members determined that discontinuing A&C would remove the venue for "feud escalation." The Founding Member's report will be posted in a few weeks, as soon as it is decrypted and edited for content. Todd and Carl have been talked to.
Thanks to all of you who sent in fruitcake recipes. They have all been destroyed. Our chapter destroyed another 57 fruitcake recipes this quarter. We gained some ground and are ranked 413th nationally, up from 558. Yea!
See you tonight. Bring your old lady or old man. Leave the brain
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
If you had a screw-top head, you could unscrew, carefully lift out your brain and leave it at home Thursday nights so it wouldn't go gettin' in the way. Here are some instances of the damn thing gettin' in the way:
1. You say something stupid. Example: "Can I get a map to the bar, please, I do not know where it is." It's your brain that knows all the words and how to put them together to form a stupid sentence.
2. You do something stupid. Example: You knock over a full pint of your fellow list member's sweet, sweet beer. There again is your brain mucking things up. It tells your arms to flail wildly behind your back without looking over your shoulder to see if anything like a full pint of your fellow list member's sweet, sweet beer is back there.
Do yourself a favor and leave that darn thing at home tonight. Leave it when you're off to:
Dogpatch Saloon (raise a BDay toast to our robotic founder!!)
Are you used to not getting maps yet? Good. Don't hold your breath for one. Most folks can get around a small city just fine, thank you very much. Most others know several excellent web sites that generate M A P S and D R I V I N G D I R E C T I O N S for free. Others are unclear on this concept. I shall not name names, but "you know who you are." New to the list is Amy "Quitter" Whitehead's sister, Sarah. Lisa K. is new too. Oh yeah, and the softball team: Erik, Heather, Patrick, Patrick (a different one), Dave, Woody, Haneefah, and Emily. No one came off the list this week. If you or someone you know want off the list (or need the TNSC weekly sent to an alternate address) lemme know.
Tonight's Contest: NEW CONTEST: "Guess the Random Number." (Thanks for the suggestion Bobo.) Also: "Name the Softball Team," and "Design the Softball Team's Uniform."
Tonight's Arts and Crafts: It's difficult to report this, but "Tonight's Arts and Crafts" is being discontinued. It seems that a nasty little feud going on between Carl and Todd ever since that scrape they had in the hopscotch contest (see "DEW" (6.2.2K)). The feud spilled over into Arts and Crafts, and last week's WICKER! Arts and Crafts theme got out of hand. Todd set fire to a really great wicker chaise lounge that Carl made and Carl retaliated by letting a bunch of cats scratch on the legs of Todd's almost-finished wicker couch. The Founding Members determined that discontinuing A&C would remove the venue for "feud escalation." The Founding Member's report will be posted in a few weeks, as soon as it is decrypted and edited for content. Todd and Carl have been talked to.
Thanks to all of you who sent in fruitcake recipes. They have all been destroyed. Our chapter destroyed another 57 fruitcake recipes this quarter. We gained some ground and are ranked 413th nationally, up from 558. Yea!
See you tonight. Bring your old lady or old man. Leave the brain
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
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