I can do what I want. (REDUX)

2.4.2020  (first posted this day 2003)


I had a dipshit for a neighbor when I was growing up. He did really stupid suburban white-guy things like leave a strip of grass between our lawns if he mowed after us. Or me, rather. Mowed after me. I mowed the frikkin' grass. Didn't mind. I'd mow interestin g patterns in the lawn: Circuit boards, snail trails, concentric circles, etc. I really liked making an Etch-A-Sketch-like pattern in the lawn in th e morning and then waiting for the evening or even the next day to "erase it." I liked the idea of all the cop helicopters seeing a crude, shaved-ber muda grass "Last Supper" for a day. Or the TV news choppers maybe spotting the likeness of an erupting Mt. St. Helens I carved into the lawn (The log jam of downed trees in the South Fork Toutle River turned out rather well if I do say so myself.) But back to the jerkweed neighbor. He left the str ip of long grass because he was a dumbass. Further evidence: He had a semi-hollow grapefruit tree in his yard. Some birdys made a nest in it. Once , while he was watering his trees with the garden hose, he figured maybe filling the hollow with water would be the best way to water said tree. He dr owned the birdys. The tree had to be chopped down. Dipshit.

The one cool thing he ever did was quite extraordinary and totally by accident. While mowing (having just left the strip of tall grass between the am biguous border), his wife came out to yell at him or ask him something. They were talking over the din of the mower when her head suddenly snapped ba ck - as if having been hit by something. She then ran into the house. He dumbly shut off his mower, thinking his wife (did I mention? Also a dumbas s) might be in some sort of distress. Well she was. They went to the hospital and the doc dug a fucking penny out of the side of her head. The mowe r had kicked the thing up and by freak chance nailed her in the head, penetrating it. Wow! What a shot! No shortage of fun and games in my old 'hoo d.

Tonight - The Homestead


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

Searched the world over ... (REDUX)

2.3.2020  (first posted this week 2004)

So I'm brushin' my teeth the other day, and sometimes I got that lazy habit of letting the water run as I brush. I know, I know, it's a waste, and I try not to do it often, but sometimes I slip and let it run. So the other day I'm brushin', the water's runnin', and it's coming out at a good flow. I sorta space out sometimes and this was one. That's a major reason I let the water run: Being spaced-out. So I'm spaced-out, brushin' the fangs, runnin' the water when suddenly the flow stutters, bubbles, coughs and starts merely trickling out. Not unlike if yr live-in-lover runs a faucet somewhere else, starts the laundry or flushes the commode. It's quite a difference, this trickle from the formerly robust water flow.

Toothbrush still in mouth, I lean over to get a better view of the tap. As I do, I hear eerie music emanating from somewhere close by. I lean in farther and the music gets clearer. It sounds like a David Lynch film score or a whacked-out funeral march. Strangely, it seems the source of the music is from somewhere in the sink! I'm rather confused at this point and by now I have my ear right up to the tap. Rather by chance, I happen to glance into the sink's overflow hole and I'll be damned if I couldn't see something in there. Furthermore, the music seems to be coming from the overflow hole, too. I squint to try to make out what's in there and it starts to come into focus. It sorta looks like the set from Hee-Haw with barn-like wood plank walls and bales of hay all about. I can clearly see a couple people in overalls sitting on the hay bales smoking corncob pipes and listening to a nearby boombox, obviously the source of the funereal music. I'm about to shit my fucking pants when the stem from a corncob pipe juts out of the hole and pokes me right in the eye. Taken aback, I'm about to say, "what the fuck?" when I hear a voice say, "Knock off the peepin', neighbor." Just then the water flow picks up and I rinse and spit. Haven't thought of that weird scene until just now. 


Tonight - Let your guard down at...House of Shields


See you there!

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

Pledge Drive! (REDUX)

2.2.2020  (first published this day 2001)

"Hi again everybody. Julie C. here for the ... Tee ... En ... Ess See pledge-a-thon. We're hoping to get ... uh ... "

"Hi folks. It's A.C. My lovely wife and I are here for the first annual Thursday Night Social Club pledge-a-palooza. It's her first time running the show so she's a little nervous. I'm sure she'll warm up in a minute or two, but until then, let me tell you why we here at the Thursday Night Social Club need your support. The TNSC, unlike most organizations of its kind, exists only through the patronage of you, its members. There's no sponsorship. There's no financier. There is but a collection of friendly folks who like to go to bars and talk and have fun and eat really late and sometimes feel like they've been hit by a truck the next day. They don't necessarily like feeling like they've been hit by a truck, that's just a "calculated risk ..."

"He's rambling folks. It's Julie again. I feel better now. We would really love it if you would pledge your support to the Thursday Night Social Club. It's really easy and here's how: Come to the venue tonight. It's that simple. Come out and see your fellow Thursday Night Social Club members at tonight's venue."

"That's right. It's you - you the Thursday Night Social Club member that makes it all possible. You come out, you talk, you listen, you gossip ... that's the spirit of the Thursday Night Social Club. Heck. I don't know of anything better. Do you know of anything at all better Julie?"

"Nope. I sure don't A.C. I don't know of anything even remotely better than a bunch of pals getting together and having fun at a regular meeting of the Thursday Night Social Club."

"You know, the Founding Members have come up with some incentives to ... uh ... "sweeten the pot." Your pledge of support will get you some really great Thursday Night Social Club schwag. Am I right?"

"Of course you're right. The Thursday Night Social Club goodies are great! They're good and great! Ha Ha! They're goodies that are great! They're Thursday Night Social Club great goodies ..."

"Geez, dude. Pull it together! Tell them what the Thursday Night Social Club incentives are."

"Right! Right right right. We here at the Thursday Night Social Club have put together some really great thingys - "

"A.C.!"

"Yes! For your pledge of support tonight, in return you will get: Some thrilling conversation!"

"That's right. Your Thursday Night Social Club pledge will get you some thoughtful, insightful, meaningful conversation with Thursday Night Social Club list members just like you."

"Ahh that's wonderful. You know, some of the most interesting things I've ever learned, I learned from Thursday Night Social Club list members."

"I know, I know. Me too. Ha ha. Oh that time we all talked about the Ninjas and the Velociraptors. Boy that was a hoot."

"Yes. Enthralling. But that's not the only thing a pledge to the Thursday Night Social Club will get you, is it A.C.?"

"Oh no. That's not nearly all. Your pledge of support to the Thursday Night Social Club - you attend the meetings - and you'll receive - every week - the TNSC Venue Announcement!"

"Sometimes funny, often stupid, always irreverent, the Thursday Night Social Club Venue Announcement will be delivered to you every week. For a mere pledge of support to the Thursday Night Social Club."

"You know Julie, I heard that every single thing reported in the Thursday Night Social Club Venue Announcement is 100% true."

"Oh, I don't know ... "

"That's what I heard and I believe it."

"Anyway, true or not, you might just find you enjoy the Thursday Night Social Club Venue Announcement and it's yours for a pledge of support."

"Hey Julie?"

"Yes, A.C.?"

"I got more Thursday Night Social Club schwag for the folks that pledge their support."

"Well by all means, cough it up! Ahora mismo!"

"What?"

"Right now!"

"Okay, well, your pledge of support to the Thursday Night Social Club will get you this exciting bonus incentive: Every week, at every meeting, you'll have the chance to buy a fellow list member a drink!"

"And what goes along with that, A.C.?"

"Duh ... Oh yeah! Along with the chance to buy a fellow list member a drink that you'll get with your pledge of support to the Thursday Night Social Club, you'll also have the opportunity to have a drink bought for you by a fellow list member!"

"That's right! With your pledge of support to the Thursday Night Social Club and their pledge of support to the Thursday Night Social Club, you can buy them a drink and they can buy you a drink!"

"Wow. That's some pretty neat stuff."

"I think so too."

"Right. So why not take the time to pledge your support to the Thursday Night Social Club. Why not tonight?"

"We'll let you get back to your normal routine now, but please help to support the Thursday Night Social Club."

"That's right. So long for now, and thank you in advance for your support of the Thursday Night Social Club."

Tonight - Stookie's Club Moderne   (by request)

Mr. Lucky and the Cocktail Party will again be serenading us throughout the evening (7:30 - 10pm).  There is no cover charge, but please consider a suitable offering to the artist and musicians as they pass the hat around.

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

Hit and run TNSC (the "original" one - REDUX)

2.1.2020  (first published this day 2003)


One day when I was but a wee-little Robot, I was riding my bike along the quiet suburban street near my home. I don't know where the hell everyone else was but I found myself alone. As is natural for a wee-little Robot, I decided to pedal as fast as I could for roughly 30 seconds and then see how I would coast. I was going really fast at first then naturally I slowed. I don't know, maybe I got a half-a-block. I slowed to a crawl - trying to get every yard, every foot, every inch - manuvering the handlebars back and forth to keep from falling over. Inevitablility eventually caught me and I stopped. I balanced on two unmoving wheels for a long moment, then fell over onto the pavement. It wasn't a hard fall and it didn't hurt. Not sure why I did it. Kinda seemed like a fine ending to a stupid experiment. At any rate, I laid there on the warm sidewalk with the hot sun shining on me and it felt nice. I closed my eyes and felt the heat on my eyelids. It was very peaceful. Until, that is, the fucking car came screeching to a halt right next to me. A frantic middle-aged dude lept out and ran over to me. I looked up at him, quizzically, squinting from the sun. He was blabbering away: "Oh Lord, son, are you okay? Were you run over? Can you move - no! Don't move! Stay still! Oh Jesus! Is anything broken?" Then he was pawing at my arms, feeling for breaks, looking for compound fractures, abrasions and whatnot. He was being such a spaz and back then - like now - I didn't like people pawing at me. I said, "Lay off, buddy. Get yr mitts offa me. Want me to call a cop?" His jaw dropped and he took a step back. "You ... you're okay? What are you doing laying on the sidewalk? You weren't run over?" I said no. I was just laying there. That was when he got angry. He started yelling at me. "You little fool! You gave me a frikkin' heart attack! I thought you were dead! What the hell are you doing? What's wrong with you?" I figured I had better start looking for a cop but the guy got back in his car and peeled outta there. Not before admonishing me a bit more for laying in a heap with a bike half in the street. "When you're really run over nobody's gonna help you, sonny!" SCREEEEECH! His last comment puzzled me. Like I did it a lot - laying in the street. Not to mention that, "Sure. Nobody will help a run-over wee-little Robot." Guy's a dork. 

Tonight - Lucky 13 (by request)
** CASH ONLY ** / FREE POPCORN!!

Doug is added to the list. So is Peg. This joint is parking-friendly and located in lovely Potrero Hill   Upper Castro (Hint, hint, Lyndal.) It's pretty slick, so slick List Members are required. Also, I hurled on a raccoon here. Come on by and I'll tell the story. I may even recreate the event for ya.

See you there! 
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!