Ghost in the Machine

3.1.2k1

Let me directly address a growing controversy. It is something whispered about over tall martinis. Something alluded to while waiting for the Guinness to settle. Something hinted at while smoking cigarettes in the vestibule. Something suggested on the cab ride home. It's something that's not quite out of control, but it's also something that shows no signs of slowing. It is something not unlike the start of a scandal. What could this impropriety be, you might ask? What is the obliquity in question? Why, the taint seems to be the TNSC Venue Selection Process, actually: It has been conjectured that the Process has been manipulated to serve the personal needs of a certain Founding Member.

One might wonder just why some list members are vilifying the TNSC VSP. This Founding Member was indeed ashamed to learn of such accusations. The vernerable Process has had a long run of venue selections that "fulfill well the needs of the List Members who actually show up."1 The TNSC Charter itself calls for the Process to be "fair, magnanimous, unselfish, utilitarian, practical and impartial."2 It also stipulates that it must be "public, consensual and informal."3 Such requirements produced the primary tool of the TNSC Venue Selection Process: The TNSC Venue Determinator.

Spawned by some math geeks at the University of Bisbee, the TNSC Venue Determinator is a surprisingly simple equation. This assertation made in light of the complicated problem it solves weekly. It is unfortunate, however, that it is impossible to publish the equation in this forum as it is a sensitive trade secret. What is of public knowlege, though, is a list of partially declassified variables that have been factored into the equation for the last 6 months:

1. Proximity to [CLASSIFIED]'s place of work;

2. Proximity to [CLASSIFIED]'s residence;

3. National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) predicted atmospheric conditions for 38 degrees north latitude, 122 degrees west longitude on the Thursday evening in question;

4. Proximity to [CLASSIFIED]'s girlfriend's residence;

5. Proximity to BART, CalTran and Muni stations.

So you see, there's ... ahem ... nothing fishy about the TNSC Venue Selection Process. No one ... er ... nothing at all. Shoot. Don't take this Founding Member's word for it, see for yourself. Follow this link to the Thursday Night Social Club Venue Selection Process Graphical User Interface and put the Determinator through its paces. Marvel at the unequivocal randomness that serves all list members, not merely one Founding Member. LINK


Bibliography

1. Pidd, Stuart. I Was Born In Tennessee: The Myth and Reality of the Thursday Night Social Club. Bisbee: University of Bisbee Press, 1999, 67.

2. Chimenti, Johnson, Metsker and Smith. The El Gran Charter de Thursday Night Social Club. San Francisco: Tennessee This Thursday Press, 1998, 36.

3. Chimenti, et al, 109.