Shadnick
9.5.2k4
Sometimes the inspiration for a Venue Announcement strikes at a moment when I'm not able to write it out so I leave little clues or keywords on scraps of paper to remind me what to write later. Often I'll lose these post-its and whatnot, sometimes never to find them and at other times finding them and having no idea what the hell they mean. Take for example the note I found yesterday:
"Boathouse - waterdog - pay toilet"
"L. Wong driving school"
"Elke Sommer - palm tree - fistfight"
This one was so cryptic it took me a second to realize it was VA notes. I have no idea what they mean. Dunno where I was going to take them.
So anyway ... if there's one thing I love, it's how the English swear. I've mentioned before that it tickles me to death to hear English folks proclaim "Fucking Hell" and "Bollocks to you!" I have discovered, in my advanced age, that them crazy folks from Down Under swear real nice too. If you want to hear a real-live Aussie swear in real-life, please come to the meeting tonight and you'll meet one. That's right, a List Member is bringing one for show-and-tell. I promise I can make her swear. Oh, and she wants to go to Annie's.
Tonight - Annie's.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Slugfest!
9.4.2k4
Cat Hair Levels Near Total Surface Saturation
By Stuart Pidd
The Bisbee Bee
Alameda, CA - Despite concentrated efforts to stem the tide of cat hair surface contamination, the levels continue to rise in a vintage two-story townhouse here.
"The hair is everywhere," said Bucky Nopants, a resident of the domicile. "If (you) have cats, (you are) going to expect a certain amount of cat hair on (your) furniture and clothes. We've got hardwood floors and it's not uncommon to see weird little tufts of hair along the floorboards and stairs." But now the nuisance is showing up in other, unlikely places, Mr. Nopants said. "I brush my teeth and there's cat hair in my mouth! I swig V8 right from the bottle - the bottle that's in the fridge! - and I got cat hair in my mouth. The (expletive) stuff is (expletive) everywhere. It's in my eyes, on my clothes, in my whiskers!"
It is reported that Pepper Sweetchunks, the co-habitant of the townhouse, routinely changes from her work clothes to rags that one might strip furniture in, or perhaps paint tree trunks in, when she returns home from work. "Oh you bet your (expletive) I change my clothes the second I get home. One friendly rub-up from one of those monsters and yr pants are toast."
The monsters in question are two domestic longhair felines, one whitish, blue-eyed and annoyingly gregarious, the other blackish, yellow-eyed and guaranteed to flop at the slightest provocation or lick on command.
While the vacuum runs constantly here and astonishing amounts of hair are brushed from the beasts, the cat hair levels have been rising steadily for weeks.
Basil Cornpone, a corporate officer from Eephus Solutions, a site clean-up firm contracted by Mr. Nopants and Miss Sweetchunks to solve the problem, concedes the struggle's paradigm has shifted from offensive to defensive. "I've been in the cat hair extraction business for 36 days now and I've never seen it like this. No amount of brushing seems to help. We've power vacuumed this place for weeks with industrial tools and still there's cat hair. We've given up the obvious solutions and resorted to "Plan X."
The so-called "Plan X," as it was explained to the Bee, consists of high levels of defensive ignoring of the problem, in addition to defensive hoping it will go away.
With "Plan X" in effect for two weeks already, and scheduled to continue indefinitely, Mr. Nopants and Miss Sweetchunks hope to see results soon. "There's only so much (you) can do," said Mr. Nopants, "I mean, I ain't a prayin' man, but I was about to resort to it. Nothing else worked worth a (expletive)."
Tonight - Doc's Clock.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
9.4.2k4
Cat Hair Levels Near Total Surface Saturation
By Stuart Pidd
The Bisbee Bee
Alameda, CA - Despite concentrated efforts to stem the tide of cat hair surface contamination, the levels continue to rise in a vintage two-story townhouse here.
"The hair is everywhere," said Bucky Nopants, a resident of the domicile. "If (you) have cats, (you are) going to expect a certain amount of cat hair on (your) furniture and clothes. We've got hardwood floors and it's not uncommon to see weird little tufts of hair along the floorboards and stairs." But now the nuisance is showing up in other, unlikely places, Mr. Nopants said. "I brush my teeth and there's cat hair in my mouth! I swig V8 right from the bottle - the bottle that's in the fridge! - and I got cat hair in my mouth. The (expletive) stuff is (expletive) everywhere. It's in my eyes, on my clothes, in my whiskers!"
It is reported that Pepper Sweetchunks, the co-habitant of the townhouse, routinely changes from her work clothes to rags that one might strip furniture in, or perhaps paint tree trunks in, when she returns home from work. "Oh you bet your (expletive) I change my clothes the second I get home. One friendly rub-up from one of those monsters and yr pants are toast."
The monsters in question are two domestic longhair felines, one whitish, blue-eyed and annoyingly gregarious, the other blackish, yellow-eyed and guaranteed to flop at the slightest provocation or lick on command.
While the vacuum runs constantly here and astonishing amounts of hair are brushed from the beasts, the cat hair levels have been rising steadily for weeks.
Basil Cornpone, a corporate officer from Eephus Solutions, a site clean-up firm contracted by Mr. Nopants and Miss Sweetchunks to solve the problem, concedes the struggle's paradigm has shifted from offensive to defensive. "I've been in the cat hair extraction business for 36 days now and I've never seen it like this. No amount of brushing seems to help. We've power vacuumed this place for weeks with industrial tools and still there's cat hair. We've given up the obvious solutions and resorted to "Plan X."
The so-called "Plan X," as it was explained to the Bee, consists of high levels of defensive ignoring of the problem, in addition to defensive hoping it will go away.
With "Plan X" in effect for two weeks already, and scheduled to continue indefinitely, Mr. Nopants and Miss Sweetchunks hope to see results soon. "There's only so much (you) can do," said Mr. Nopants, "I mean, I ain't a prayin' man, but I was about to resort to it. Nothing else worked worth a (expletive)."
Tonight - Doc's Clock.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, September 16, 2004
The Twisted Spoke
9.3.2k4
Next time you need to get fixin's for Bloody Marys you get yr asses to - of all places inna world - Cost Plus. Seems like you might start at BevMo or the corner liquor store or the Safetyway or the Albertsons, Giant Eagle, Basha's, Dominick's, Jewel, Kroger or Piggly Wiggly, but I happened upon the Cost Plus on the way to BevMo for Bloody fixin's and the Bloody's that were the result of the trip to these markets were SO GODDAMN KICKASS they made me want to slap my pappy. Here's why:
Cost Plus, as you might know, has a world-class selection of junky, stinky wicker furniture from some exotic (Mexico) locale. They also got horsehair pillows, teak coffee tables, fans made from shellacked palm fronds and crazy European cookware. And if you were ever a kid, you might remember that they have a shitload of foreign chocolates. Well dip me in shit because they have all sortsa other foreign foodstuffs like mustard and wine. And for the Bloody Mary drinker there's a million jars of pickled this and preserved that! Beans, onions, wee-baby pickles. Garlic, hot pepper and bleu cheese stuffed olives. I tell ya ... take a skewer, impale one them garlic olives, a cocktail onion, a pepperoncini, a mini pickle and some kinda marinated cherry tomato, drop the whole thing in a Bloody, drop in a pickled string bean, season w/ Tabasco and celery salt, drink up and eat up all the goodies ... you are sooooo dancing and there's no denying you have scored without getting nekkid.
Bonus treat: Fold up a slice or two of salami and add to skewer. Nothin' like meat in a cocktail!
Tonight - Kickin' it Mission w/ Jesus: Zeitgeist.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
There's a bar in Chicago that serves a Bloody so full of junk they've given it a different name: Road-rash Mary. It comes w/ a 4oz beer back. Old Style, of course.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
9.3.2k4
Next time you need to get fixin's for Bloody Marys you get yr asses to - of all places inna world - Cost Plus. Seems like you might start at BevMo or the corner liquor store or the Safetyway or the Albertsons, Giant Eagle, Basha's, Dominick's, Jewel, Kroger or Piggly Wiggly, but I happened upon the Cost Plus on the way to BevMo for Bloody fixin's and the Bloody's that were the result of the trip to these markets were SO GODDAMN KICKASS they made me want to slap my pappy. Here's why:
Cost Plus, as you might know, has a world-class selection of junky, stinky wicker furniture from some exotic (Mexico) locale. They also got horsehair pillows, teak coffee tables, fans made from shellacked palm fronds and crazy European cookware. And if you were ever a kid, you might remember that they have a shitload of foreign chocolates. Well dip me in shit because they have all sortsa other foreign foodstuffs like mustard and wine. And for the Bloody Mary drinker there's a million jars of pickled this and preserved that! Beans, onions, wee-baby pickles. Garlic, hot pepper and bleu cheese stuffed olives. I tell ya ... take a skewer, impale one them garlic olives, a cocktail onion, a pepperoncini, a mini pickle and some kinda marinated cherry tomato, drop the whole thing in a Bloody, drop in a pickled string bean, season w/ Tabasco and celery salt, drink up and eat up all the goodies ... you are sooooo dancing and there's no denying you have scored without getting nekkid.
Bonus treat: Fold up a slice or two of salami and add to skewer. Nothin' like meat in a cocktail!
Tonight - Kickin' it Mission w/ Jesus: Zeitgeist.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
There's a bar in Chicago that serves a Bloody so full of junk they've given it a different name: Road-rash Mary. It comes w/ a 4oz beer back. Old Style, of course.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, September 09, 2004
One-half back!!
9.2.2k4
I know all you Giants fans out there are very familiar with dumping them when they're losing. You understand the feeling that, hey, they suck, why should I like them? You understand for two reasons: 1. You'll like them again when they're better, and, 2. They're not often bad in the first place.
I've had the band-wagon and the on-again, off-again of such a vehicle on my mind for a few days because it's that magic time of the year when we who are REAL fans - read: Cubs fans - can turn our attention from the dismal, embarassing and otherwise shitty play of our Professional Losers for a moment and in the very same breath, hope for a better year next year for the Cubbies and root this Sunday and for the next 16 Sundays for the BEARS!
I should stress that we're not giving up on the Cubs, but after getting our asses kicked by the bottom-feeding Expos while clinging tenuously to a Wild-Card Berth, Cubs/Bears fans will have more on their mind than "Cubs lose-Giants/Marlins/Padres/Astros win." We'll have "Goddamn the Bears play like Grrrrrl Scouts." Such is the life.
Tonight - Kickin' it Mission w/ Jesus: The Attic.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Eat beef, eat beef.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
9.2.2k4
I know all you Giants fans out there are very familiar with dumping them when they're losing. You understand the feeling that, hey, they suck, why should I like them? You understand for two reasons: 1. You'll like them again when they're better, and, 2. They're not often bad in the first place.
I've had the band-wagon and the on-again, off-again of such a vehicle on my mind for a few days because it's that magic time of the year when we who are REAL fans - read: Cubs fans - can turn our attention from the dismal, embarassing and otherwise shitty play of our Professional Losers for a moment and in the very same breath, hope for a better year next year for the Cubbies and root this Sunday and for the next 16 Sundays for the BEARS!
I should stress that we're not giving up on the Cubs, but after getting our asses kicked by the bottom-feeding Expos while clinging tenuously to a Wild-Card Berth, Cubs/Bears fans will have more on their mind than "Cubs lose-Giants/Marlins/Padres/Astros win." We'll have "Goddamn the Bears play like Grrrrrl Scouts." Such is the life.
Tonight - Kickin' it Mission w/ Jesus: The Attic.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Eat beef, eat beef.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
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