Deluxe Funnel! (REDUX)

12.1.2013

Well I quit my job. I had it up to here with the jerks at the plant, the tasteless lunches, the fatty snacks, the lousy (read: NO) coffee situation, the soul-sucking commute, the dangerous walk, the rickety bridge, the viscious dogs, the rabid beaver-squirells, the agressive panhandlers, the corrupt cops, the way-too-friendly street whores, the sub-average watering holes, the human, dog, and pidgey-widgey poop, the stiff toll, the "going-up-again" bus and train fares, the broken bike racks, the terrible wind, the ever-present clouds, the frozen mini-KitKats™ (which I like, mind you) and the stultifying conversations. I heard about a sexy new career on the radio, called the number it listed and showed up that day for my interview. I was hired on the spot! Hot damn that does a lot for a guy when he's havin' "One Of Those Days." I got a clothing stipend from my new boss (a sexy, silver-haired, 70-something granny), hauled ass to the Oakland Uniform Supply on Broadway, scored a sweet deal on what's known in the industry as "Car Salesman," WORE IT OUT OF THE STORE and hit the fuckin' bricks sporting my new gig: Reputation Consulting.

You read it right: Reputation Consulting. The multiple-choice test I took in my interview indicated that I was a natural, so I wasted NO time. My walk took me by my favorite "Donut & Things" and I ducked in and told Pebbles (his real name is Hsiung, but he makes everyone call him Pebbles (Why I do not know)) I told Pebbles he has the reputation of having the best goddamn donuts and things this side of MLK Drive and he said 'No shit Sherlock."  I asked him if he would like to talk about it and he asked if I would have my usual dozen glazed and mebbe a couple 52" duck-brown replacement shoe strings or some replacement cheap-o plastic dominoes or some various waxen numeric birthday cake candles or some really crappy dish towels or some likely toxic crayons or a shitty hand-held pinball game, or a grab-bag of toy barnyard animals or a flawed German-made coloring book or a pinata buster (with blindfold) or a Dick Tracy-themed 2-pack party hat or a 4-piece fruit magnet set or a 32-piece Jesus sticker set, or a garden knee pad or a 10-pack sponge hair roller or a metallic car dashboard sun shade and I said no! I was here to consult with him about his reputation and not donuts and, well, things. He said his reputation for donuts was great and I agreed. He said his reputation for things was great and I agreed with that too and so I set my sights on another couple peeps I knew needed a little reputation consultation: Linkey-Loo Coordinator, Porn Title of the Week Coordinator and, you guessed it, Lee, Lee The Musical Bee. They did not return my phone calls.

Tonight - on this projected frigid evening, come on out and warm up w/ your pals at The Lone Palm. 

See you there!!


bye-ee!

whrr ... clik!