Between Us (REDUX)

4.4.2018 (first posted this week 2004)

Ah fok sometimes I'm surprised that swearing just don't cut it. Sometimes the situation calls for a person acting like a total penis to be called - not a cock or cockson or prick or johnson or dork or schlong - but simply a penis. "That guy is a total penis." Sums it up. Who can guess "which guy?" 

Bring yr pals. I know I will. 

See you there!

Tonight - The Homestead

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

I'm Spartacus! (REDUX)

4.3.2017 (first posted this week, 2001)

I had a teacher - a total bastard - who would get pissed off at some kid and bust the whole class. Like it was supposed to be some boot camp-style deterrant: The "good" kids would pressure the "bad" kids to toe the line. That would never happen. The "bad" kid could beat the hell of the rest of the class single-handedly. So this jackass - the teacher, not the kid - would not merely make the entire class stay after school, he would not merely make you sit still and be quiet, he would put this vicious little twist on it. He would draw this big 'ol spiral on the chalkboard and make you sit there and stare at it for an hour. Oh man. Ya get dizzy starin' at that spiral. Some kids would fall out of their chairs. Some would throw up. Me? I caught this wicked buzz. I've heard of kids getting smacked by teachers at school. I had friends get suspended. I had pals kicked out. All of that seemed tame compared to that hypno-torture that sadist meted out. I wonder if that dude is still teaching. Hope not.

Tonight: The Royal Cuckoo. 
(by request - *cash only*)

TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Tie Domi beats up a Flyers fan. Toronto Maple Leafs winger Tie Domi was serving out a penalty when one event led to another: 1.) Domi sprays the fans outside the box with water. 2.) One fan goes nutty and tries to get at Domi over the box's glass but the glass gives way. 3.) Domi gives the fan a thing or two to think about. Our reenactor: Jeremy. He plays the fan, Domi and the wee little lady usher who tries to stop the altercation. (Ed. note: I've seen a preview of this reenactment and it rules!)

TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBER: Bishop. Someone buy her a drink. She needs it.

Go Sharks!

Who are you bringing to the bar tonight? Your friends? Wow! I know I will. I know I will buy them a drink or two also. Takes more than a spiral on a chalkboard to catch a buzz these days. See you there! 

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

It's All Tu...man.

4.2.2018

The above title is not a typo (but it is extrapolated).  A current client of mine is spending an inordinate amount of time away from his adopted Chicago home.  Given the weather in the Midwest this April, it’s probably not a bad thing.

The Chicago thing made me think - “It was 20 years ago today…” - well… not today, but it was 1998.  The Chief Robot and I were there in the Windy City on a plan that was also hatched at a previous TNSC meeting.

Chicago was great.  Good friends, warm weather, The Weiner Circle, Trader Vic’s Mai Tai’s at the Palmer House, Martinis at the legendary Pump Room, Wine Spritzers at The Gentry, and Old Style™ and the Cubbies at Wrigley field.

But the highlight of my trip may have been at what was an innocuous corner bar then known as Tuman’s Tavern - whose motto was “We repair and install hangovers."

The exterior sported a beautifully painted window that proclaimed “Alcohol Abuse Center” as well as a similar neon sign within.  

The first of my two most memorable parts of my visit there were my buying a round of Old Style™s for our crew of 10.  Price tag = $7.  The second was the Chief Robot urging me (against my better judgment) to visit the men’s room.  He prefaced it by saying it resembled a scene in which a bomb-strapped terrorist ran into the bathroom, pulled the draw string, and detonated himself.  He stated, "Despite how it looks, take a deep breath through your nose while you’re in there."

I timidly walked in (mostly because my bladder was starting to give) and low and behold, it DID look as though some jihadist had run into the restroom and proceeded to detonate himself and destroy the place.  It was dank and dimly lit, there were paper towel stalactites allover hanging from the 15” high ceiling, the louvered swinging privacy doors on the “shitter” (Chicago term, I believe) had utterly collapsed, the towel dispenser hung crookedly on the wall, and the solo urinal was held up by a rickety pipe that had been pulled away from the wall.

While making use of said urinal, I decided to follow instructions and take in a nose-full of the environment to round out the Tumnan's experience.  To my surprise, defying the physical look of the environment there was ZERO odor.  In fact, it was almost like the sweet air of standing on a mountain top.  I exited and have never doubted the word of the Chief Robot again.

Thinking back, now that the establishment is a gentrified "tap room" (read: boooor-innng) I felt lucky to experience how it used to be.

Tonight - Lucky 13
(By request / **CASH ONLY**)


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

Prince o' Danes (REDUX)

4.1.2018  (first published this week 2004)

Just a little advice here: Resist the urge to eat at them Jack's and McD's and Burger Kings and KFC and the like. I've been successful at such for a long, long goddamn time. That is until today. I'm a bit stressed because I fear I've lost something important and I got to miss a delicious BFL and it was already too late for the burrito truck so I headed over to Jack's and got me an ulty cheeseburgey. And fries. With extra salt. And a Coke. With extra ice.

It took me longer to get thru the burgery treat than I thought. I figure I had to eat up them fries quick lest they go cold on me. I think Jack's batters their fries or something. There's lots of nooks and crannies to latch onto the extra salt. Anyway, as I was saying, the burg was a labor. And shit it's gloppy with cheese. Goddang flat-out great junk shit food. Prollem is, now - a mere hour 'so later - I feel like I'm a barf barge on the Stink River and I just took a few Nazi shit torpedoes in the bilge. And the cockswain and his mate have fallen o'erboard. Yeh. That bad.

Ulty cheeseburger out-grosses gross. Pray you, avoid it.

Tonight - House of Shields
 (make up from 2 weeks ago - hoping there's not another private party)



bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!