Synonymous with asphyxiation. (REDUX)

4.1.2019 (first posted this week 2006)

On the airplane up from LAX the other night I sat next to the biggest fucking douchebag I've seen in a while. He had the emergency exit row seat I wanted and I was sitting one row back and right of him, so I could see it all, no matter I didn't want to. Here's his highlight reel:

During the Emergency Procedure demo he waited until the flight attendant (doing the demo right in front of him) showed us how to click the metal parts of the belt together before dramatically clicking his belt together. He then said, "Did I do it right?" to the FA. She smiled a fakey and said, "good boy." He smiled a doofus and looked pleased. I wanted to choke him.

His goddamn phone rang during takeoff. He dug it out and only then turned it off. I wanted to throttle him.

He whipped out his laptop and a CD case, selected a disc and stuck it in. It was Rocky II. Some shithead watching a two hour movie on a one-hour flight is one thing, but in a darkened cabin, in a seat right in front of you so you can't avoid seeing Mr. T beating the shit outta 'ol Rocky is another thing entirely. It's a fucked thing. I wanted to strangle him.

It's kinda picky, but he LOOKED like a total jerk: alligator shoes, business slacks, a yellow dress shirt w/ white pinstripes, cuffs and collar, a fugly tie, glasses, an earring and a ponytail. I wanted to interfere with his breathing.

He had to be told to turn off Rocky II TWICE durning approach. I wanted to compress his throat.

He whipped out his iPod and 'phones AFTER being told to shut off electronics, turned it on and then turned on the overhead to see the display, presumably to find a song. Guess he didn't know about the backlight. I wanted to constrict his windpipe.

Then, finally, we were on the ground waiting for our gate to open up and after a few minutes he rang his overhead and the FA came over. He said, "I thought you weren't allowed to move about the cabin." She said, "I am. You are not. What do you want?" "Why aren't we moving?" "The captain annouced that there is a plane at our gate. We wait." He said, "A two hour delay at LAX and now we wait on the ground here? I've got an hour drive home." She said, "We've got to pick up the people at that gate and take them back to LAX. It's a long night for all of us." I wanted to garrote him.

It's always fun on Southwest Airlines. One day I will tell the tale told to me by a gal I know. She's unique because she likes bacon even more than I do. Imagine that.

Tonight  - Sutter Station Tavern

Workin' at home ... ain't what she used to be!

bye-ee!

whrr ... clik!