Buick (REDUX)

7.4.2019  (first posted this week 2000)

I am going to cancel my cable TV subscription, and that's official. I've had it up to here paying for a service that I'm not satisfied with. Last night? NOTHING ON. There was a boring Giants game. There are 50-odd other channels and there was nuthin.' Zip. I turned the sucker off and cleaned the cat box. But check out what's on tonight on channel HOMESTEAD: The Thursday Night Social Club! Starring ... (cut and paste long list of list members here). This is "reality television" at its finest, folks. To enjoy, tune into channel:

The HOMESTEAD

Happy July B-Day to the “3 J’s” (Joan, Jay, and Jason)

C’mon out and raise a glass of cheer!!

New to the list this week is Tony Pezzella. Hi Tony. Now then, several hundred of you list members have written in to complain about the cancellation of THIS WEEK'S ARTS & CRAFTS. Comments ranged from pleas and begging to nostalgic waxing to hostility and threats of hostage-taking if A'n C is not restored. List Member Chris Weldon wrote: "I have great memories of making mashed potato sculpture with Jimi Simmons. We modeled his truck. We used ketchup to make the taters red. I'm sorry to see my old friend, THIS WEEK'S ARTS AND CRAFTS, go away." Another note, from longtime List Member Jim Rose (Not to be confused with ROSEY), was decidedly venomous: "The self-appointed "Founding Members' can %$@# my %$#&!! Who gives a %$# about some %$#^%$# feud? Carl and Todd want to fight - let 'em!! (Ed. note, see "DEW" (6.2.2K) and "Rosey" (7.1.2K).) Bring back A'n C you bunch of %$#%$!! We never got around to tie-dying!! What the %$#%# am I supposed to do with all this RITT???" For the record, this Founding Member would love to have A'n C back. I was outvoted 3 to 1. The good news is that TNSC is unveiling a brand new weekly event! In the TNSC tradition, it will be full of fun, excitement and gut-shaking thrills for all. Here it is, hope you like it: TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Yow! Think about the tons of things that can be dramatically reenacted. We're going to kick off this exciting new event with a doozy.

TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: THE FIRST DOG IN SPACE. Moss will be playing Laika, who, on 3 November 1957, rode Sputnik II (played by Woody) into orbit of the Earth (Jerry Castro), becoming the first animal in space. Anna will be portraying the pressurized cabin and Kenny Solomon is in the role of Vladimir Sjevjenko Parasjovsinski, the tough-as-nails-yet-loveable Ground Control chief / dog trainer. This ought to salve those A'n C wounds.

TONIGHT'S CONTEST: Spitting contest. (Thank Lee Lee The Musical Bee for this charmer.)

TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBER: John Volny. Why not try for a John Volny record two-in-a-row, John?

The races scheduled for this weekend are cancelled. The monkeys were all dead in the shipping crate. I'm thinking FULL REFUND.

Team Bjeldanes is Two and Oh. Oh yeah. The game one opponent no-show and the stifling "D" of the nightcap gives us a big 2-0. Can you say First Place? Tune yer sets into Channel Homestead tonight at 7/7:30. Bring your pals. Who else misses Kurdrajevskaya? bye-ee!


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

Feelin' Lucky?

7.3.2019

Then this is YOUR lucky night!!

Tonight - Stookey's Club Moderne  (by request)

Entertainment by Mr. Lucky and the Cocktail Party.

Show 7:30 - 10pm / No Cover

This is not to be missed

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat (REDUX)

(courtesy of)

7.2.2019 (first posted this week 2011)

In honor of those cheese eating surrender-monkeys in Parisland, I'm presenting my itinerary for that lesser of democratic holidays in July, Bastille Day:

6:00 AM: Wake up.

6:30 AM: Breakfast; Black coffee, cigarettes, contemplation of the bleakness of existence. Argue that breakfast functions as a bourgeois substitute for real commitment in the world, even if it includes bacon.

7:30 AM: Surrender to Germans. Learn how appreciate Knackwurst, Wagner, and David Hasselhoff.

9:00 AM: Complain about the increase of trans-Atlantic hyperhegemony. Laugh at ridiculousness of American President. Pout. [Repeat as necessary.]
[•• this was from 2005, BTW]

9:30 AM: Raise subsidy on agriculture.

10:00 AM: Attack comparable international naval superpower (Greenpeace). Surrender.

11:00 AM: Decrease number of national vacation days from 49 to 48.

11:02 AM: Strike.

11:05 AM: Re-institute 49 vacation days.

Noon: Lunch; Black coffee, cigarettes. Eat cake.

12:30 PM: Execute King, Aristocracy, Criminals, Clergy, Royal Sympathizers, Arch-Revolutionaries, Revolutionaries, and anyone else who happens to wander by.

1:30 PM: Institute Empire with help of Corsican half-brother; invade Russia.

1:45 PM: Check weather to see why it's so cold in Russia in July.

2 PM: Surrender to Russia, Prussians, Austrians, English, Italians.

2:15 PM: Realize there is no Prussia anymore; Surrender anyway.

2:16 PM: Realize that no one has surrendered to the Italians since 312 AD; hang head in shame.

3:00 PM: Eat Beef Wellington; vomit.

4:00 PM: Plant more trees along the Champs-Élysées. Check with Berlin to ensure proper shadiness ratio.

5:00 PM: Throw up barricades, escape from literary personification of irrational vengeance, get shot, collapse, die, sing. Repeat at Tony Awards.

6:00 PM: Bathe (Optional)

7:00 PM: Dinner: Wine, cigarettes, cheese, wine.

8:00 PM: Night of passion with Mistress, Wife, Au Pair, Revolutionaries, and anyone else who happens to wander by.

Midnight: Surrender to Self.

Tonight -surrender to Clooney's Pub.
(by request - CASH ONLY - Birthday Celebration s!)

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

Red, White, and Booze

7.1.2019

Just a reminder that there is no meeting planned for July 4th.

Be safe out there!! (and see you next week)

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!