tse-tse
8.4.2k5

My grrrl and I went camping a short ride outta the Bayarea and found us some nice weather. No fog bank anywhere in site. Turns out the little town nearby didn't have a fokkn GROCER in site. I don't really consider the "$0.99 Super Mercado" a store that I would even buy a can of beans from, and it turned out I was in the market for a can of beans because, like I just now mentioned, my grrrrl and I were camping and ya gotta eat beans for dinner when yr camping.
We circled around for quite some time and asked three different people where the goddamn Safeway was and each one of them said similar things like, "Oh yeh, Safeway ... It's down the block, two-three stop signs, hang a left, go up Henchy Point and there she is." And it was quite like that: Folks didn't know the names of the obvious things, like streets, that anyone can read can find, but insisted on giving directions specifying locally-known landmarks. You will, my friend, find hayseeds any damn where you wanna look.
Didn't ever find the Safeway. Ended up at TastyPop's Grill. Ordered a burger and just for fun, asked the guy behind the counter where the Safeway was. He said take a left at the second stoplight (see?) and go about a half-mile and she'll be on the right. "Big 'ol parking lot," he says. I don't believe him.
So we're waiting for our takeaway burgers, nearly starved, and in walks this scuzzball w/ a box of small things wrapped in plastic. He sets it on the counter and asks the guy if he wants to buy some sunglasses, two bucks a pair. Countrman paws through the box and finds a winner. "Two dollars, that it?" he asks. Scuzz says sure. Frycook comes over. "Two bucks? Really?" and starts looking through the box. Then the shake girl and the fountain lad. Everyone is fascinated by the box of $2 sunglasses. Then a customer, a big gal w/ 14 kids (all w/ ice cream cones, dripping everywhere) comes over and, "Woah! Two dollar sunglasses? Really?" Scuzzy guy has hit the jackpot. Big gal says, "Hey Murray! Get over and check out these TWO DOLLAR SUNGLASSES!" The customers stampede the box. The counterman says, "I need a mirror. Can I check these out in a mirror?" Scuzz agrees. I propose that we bail on the burgers, try the latest Safeway directions and get the hell away from the sunglasses. We do.
We never found the Safeway. He directed us to a Home Depot. There were five Home Depots, two OSH's and the biggest Lowes I ever seen in this one-horse town and no grocerys that had items over a dollar.
We ended up going back to the campsite. We had brought a cooler of beers and some spray cheese, Slim Jims and Triscuits, so we could tough out a college-style dinner out doors.
We did almost score a tasty bug that we found and thought about barbecueing, but as we pursued the fuzzy orange-and-black thing, this little toehead saw us and yelled, "What are you looking at" as he was running toward us. "Bug," I said. "Right there," and was pointing when the kid SLAMMED a net over it. He trapped it, then picked it up, shoved his face in real close for a look, then shrugged and said, "I dunno what it is." Then he opened the can he had with him and dropped in our dinner- er ... bug and left. He ran off without a "hey thanks," or "suckers" or nothing. I hate theives.

Tonight - Dylan's Pub.

Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!

Sorry I'm late. Mind the raccoons.

bye-ee!

whrr ... clik!