Table
3.5.2k7
Last weekend was the annual Cubs Spring Training weekend and for kicks I asked my wife to stare at my ass during the game and if anyone asks what she's doing she says, "I'm staring at my husband's hot ass." This is funny perhaps only to me, because my ass is not hot or sexy or anything. And it's funny because it is so stupid. I think stupid things are funny.
It doesn't go so well. She goes ahead and stares at my ass as a cat stares at bug before pouncing. No one asks her what she's doing. Dutifully, she tries again and again, but still no one asks. When I notice she hasn't taken her position in a while, she shrugs and exaggeratedly stares. Alan asks me if I sat in something. No, I tell him. The game ends and no one asked.
So the fun ends when we go on the 8th beerrun of the afternoon and thomeless guy out front of the Circle K asks my wife for some change. "I'm staring at my husband's hot ass," she says. Thomeless didn't know how to take that.
Tonight - The Homestead.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Robot has updated the blog'd archives. Check 'em out if yr bored. Clik on the month/year below ...
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Fitchy
3.4.2k7
Some time ago I subscribed to the Word-of-the-day RSS feed from dictionary.com. It started with a clunk, as the words were criminally easy (bucolic, sycophant, conflagration, malapropism), but soon coughed up some of interest (appurtenance, empyrean, coterminous). I set to using each in a sentence, speaking the sentence to no one but myself. I amuse myself like this.
For yuks, I subscribed to another RSS feed from dictionary.com, the Spanish-word-of-the-day, thinking that my miniscule Spanish lexicon could use some new words. Think again! The words on that feed were unbelieveably easy - even for gringos. Lunes (Monday). Gato (Cat). Ahora (Now). And the killer Spanish-word-of-the-day: DOS. Two. That was the word of the day. For real. I fired the stupid feed.
Tonight - The Knockout SF.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Bingo tonight, yo. I'll be winging it to the desert for some Little Bears games. Go Cubs!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
3.4.2k7
Some time ago I subscribed to the Word-of-the-day RSS feed from dictionary.com. It started with a clunk, as the words were criminally easy (bucolic, sycophant, conflagration, malapropism), but soon coughed up some of interest (appurtenance, empyrean, coterminous). I set to using each in a sentence, speaking the sentence to no one but myself. I amuse myself like this.
For yuks, I subscribed to another RSS feed from dictionary.com, the Spanish-word-of-the-day, thinking that my miniscule Spanish lexicon could use some new words. Think again! The words on that feed were unbelieveably easy - even for gringos. Lunes (Monday). Gato (Cat). Ahora (Now). And the killer Spanish-word-of-the-day: DOS. Two. That was the word of the day. For real. I fired the stupid feed.
Tonight - The Knockout SF.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Bingo tonight, yo. I'll be winging it to the desert for some Little Bears games. Go Cubs!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Starter
3.3.2k7
So a former neighbor of mine sees fit to keep me on her list of folks she forwards oddball emails to. She's not exactly flooding my inbox, but I get a fair amount over the weeks. She sends the routine stuff: Why men suck; the joke about two NY taxi drivers trying to get into heaven; the news report of the ironic fire at the goat farm; and of course, the photo of the kitten asleep on the keyboard.
There's a whole list of folks in the "To:" field. She either doesn't know about the "BCC" field or doesn't care to use it for discretionary purposes. My bet, knowing my former neighbor, is the latter.
Ever so rarely, I will respond to her emails, and rarer still, to the entire list. I responded to the picture of the kitty to the entire recipient list (Reply All!) with the old favorite, "nice pussy." From this I learned several things.
Even a casual reference to my neighbor's nether regions - even as a play on words - is enough to evoke a mental image of said regions. That is not a nice mental image. Believe me.
It is really fun to Reply All with a crude joke to a bunch of strangers and watch the outraged emails pour in. I hate people with no sense of humor.
Homeland Security is CC'd every time something is Reply All'd. I know this because they told me. They told me by burning a nasty message to knock it off or else on my slice of sourdough toast this morning.
Tonight - Specs'.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
3.3.2k7
So a former neighbor of mine sees fit to keep me on her list of folks she forwards oddball emails to. She's not exactly flooding my inbox, but I get a fair amount over the weeks. She sends the routine stuff: Why men suck; the joke about two NY taxi drivers trying to get into heaven; the news report of the ironic fire at the goat farm; and of course, the photo of the kitten asleep on the keyboard.
There's a whole list of folks in the "To:" field. She either doesn't know about the "BCC" field or doesn't care to use it for discretionary purposes. My bet, knowing my former neighbor, is the latter.
Ever so rarely, I will respond to her emails, and rarer still, to the entire list. I responded to the picture of the kitty to the entire recipient list (Reply All!) with the old favorite, "nice pussy." From this I learned several things.
Even a casual reference to my neighbor's nether regions - even as a play on words - is enough to evoke a mental image of said regions. That is not a nice mental image. Believe me.
It is really fun to Reply All with a crude joke to a bunch of strangers and watch the outraged emails pour in. I hate people with no sense of humor.
Homeland Security is CC'd every time something is Reply All'd. I know this because they told me. They told me by burning a nasty message to knock it off or else on my slice of sourdough toast this morning.
Tonight - Specs'.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Michael Pare
3.2.2k7
Nearly got hit by a car this morning, thanks to the phenomenon known as the "Chicago" or "California" stop: "slowing down significantly but not stopping completely at the sign."
I have a really easy, flat, one-point-one-mile bike commute through residential streets and I've taken the time to determine the path that has the fewest cross streets and where the intersections are not all four-way stops. I've had enough experience riding a bike on city streets (San Francisco and Chicago) to know that a bike rider's got to be careful no matter if he or she has the right-of-way, as a sign won't stop a car no matter what. This being said, I approach the intersections with care.
This morning the silver SUV gets to the intersection and pulls a California stop - VERY typical in this neighborhood. Hell, I even do it when I'm driving. Usually the driver will pull this and check cross traffic, only fully stopping if someone is going through, a kid is crossing on his way to school, a bunch of ducks and ducklings are in the way, or the FedEx truck is stopped in front of them. Or, often, if they see me on my shiny red bike. Silver SUV pumps the brake then hits the gas. I brake hard and dodge. The gal driving sees me only then and hits her brake so hard her sunglasses fly from her face and onto the dash. I yell something or other about something or other and continue. Didn't need much coffee after that one, I tell ya.
I don't even think the gal was drinking. Be careful out there, yo.
Tonight - Club Deluxe.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Burlesque night, yo.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
3.2.2k7
Nearly got hit by a car this morning, thanks to the phenomenon known as the "Chicago" or "California" stop: "slowing down significantly but not stopping completely at the sign."
I have a really easy, flat, one-point-one-mile bike commute through residential streets and I've taken the time to determine the path that has the fewest cross streets and where the intersections are not all four-way stops. I've had enough experience riding a bike on city streets (San Francisco and Chicago) to know that a bike rider's got to be careful no matter if he or she has the right-of-way, as a sign won't stop a car no matter what. This being said, I approach the intersections with care.
This morning the silver SUV gets to the intersection and pulls a California stop - VERY typical in this neighborhood. Hell, I even do it when I'm driving. Usually the driver will pull this and check cross traffic, only fully stopping if someone is going through, a kid is crossing on his way to school, a bunch of ducks and ducklings are in the way, or the FedEx truck is stopped in front of them. Or, often, if they see me on my shiny red bike. Silver SUV pumps the brake then hits the gas. I brake hard and dodge. The gal driving sees me only then and hits her brake so hard her sunglasses fly from her face and onto the dash. I yell something or other about something or other and continue. Didn't need much coffee after that one, I tell ya.
I don't even think the gal was drinking. Be careful out there, yo.
Tonight - Club Deluxe.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Burlesque night, yo.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Mongols and Angels
3.1.2k7
All things considered, long drives are not all that bad. Things can happen to make them bad, mind you, and those things don't have to be blown tires, running outta gas and multi-vehicle pile-ups - the obvious things that make drives bad. No, other things can foul a road trip.
For example, the Quicky Mart in the middle of nowhere has some halfassed facsimile of a SlimJim for sale rather than the real McCoy. I hate imposter SlimJims! Also: People who don't know how to drive on a highway will make it bad. These dopes camp out in the passing lane making everyone who needs to pass THEM pass on the right. That's never a good idea. Closely related are the fucking IDIOTS that either don't have or don't use their cruise control and do not maintain a steady speed. The guy will pull close and pass you, only to then slow and need to be passed himself. Then he wakes up and hits the gas. Back and forth over forty miles gets ya down.
The Nice Dualie game will make a long drive fun. As will an iPod adapter, a Thermos of coffee, a blanket for the missus and several of the aforementioned authentic SlimJims. A friendly guy behind the counter at the remote Quicky Mart is a treat too (most them folks are ornery).
I came across a friendly counterman just this past weekend at the Essex Oasis in the Mohave Desert 'round Laughlin way. There's a sign on his counter that says, "Pls do not complain to the staff about the price of the fuel! It's expensive to operate this shithole way out here, dig?" I had noticed that gas was nearly four bucks a gallon, but as I was getting kinda itchy about the needle's position on my gas guage, I didn't give a shit. I said, "ya get a lot of these California shitheads moanin' about the prices, eh?" He said, "you wouldn't believe. It costs us more to get it trucked here. We ain't robbin' anyone, we just gotta make our operating costs." I told him I get it, then I pointed out a fact: "Seems that all the rest of yr prices are pretty normal. Look here, SlimJims are 99 cents. Cokes are 75. Them buns or whatever in the case are probably two for a buck, huh?" He said, "They're THREE for a buck. heh. For you and yr lovely lady, though, I'll give ya FOUR for a buck." "Sold," I said, "and a handful of these SlimJims and a couple of Cokes."
The buns gave me gas.
Tonight - Brunos.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Entertainment tonight by Bud E. Luv hisownself: Plaids and stripes ... gotta keep 'em separated!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
3.1.2k7
All things considered, long drives are not all that bad. Things can happen to make them bad, mind you, and those things don't have to be blown tires, running outta gas and multi-vehicle pile-ups - the obvious things that make drives bad. No, other things can foul a road trip.
For example, the Quicky Mart in the middle of nowhere has some halfassed facsimile of a SlimJim for sale rather than the real McCoy. I hate imposter SlimJims! Also: People who don't know how to drive on a highway will make it bad. These dopes camp out in the passing lane making everyone who needs to pass THEM pass on the right. That's never a good idea. Closely related are the fucking IDIOTS that either don't have or don't use their cruise control and do not maintain a steady speed. The guy will pull close and pass you, only to then slow and need to be passed himself. Then he wakes up and hits the gas. Back and forth over forty miles gets ya down.
The Nice Dualie game will make a long drive fun. As will an iPod adapter, a Thermos of coffee, a blanket for the missus and several of the aforementioned authentic SlimJims. A friendly guy behind the counter at the remote Quicky Mart is a treat too (most them folks are ornery).
I came across a friendly counterman just this past weekend at the Essex Oasis in the Mohave Desert 'round Laughlin way. There's a sign on his counter that says, "Pls do not complain to the staff about the price of the fuel! It's expensive to operate this shithole way out here, dig?" I had noticed that gas was nearly four bucks a gallon, but as I was getting kinda itchy about the needle's position on my gas guage, I didn't give a shit. I said, "ya get a lot of these California shitheads moanin' about the prices, eh?" He said, "you wouldn't believe. It costs us more to get it trucked here. We ain't robbin' anyone, we just gotta make our operating costs." I told him I get it, then I pointed out a fact: "Seems that all the rest of yr prices are pretty normal. Look here, SlimJims are 99 cents. Cokes are 75. Them buns or whatever in the case are probably two for a buck, huh?" He said, "They're THREE for a buck. heh. For you and yr lovely lady, though, I'll give ya FOUR for a buck." "Sold," I said, "and a handful of these SlimJims and a couple of Cokes."
The buns gave me gas.
Tonight - Brunos.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
Entertainment tonight by Bud E. Luv hisownself: Plaids and stripes ... gotta keep 'em separated!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
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