..2k9
Our new home, "house," has verizon's FIOS internet. OMG, is it fast! Woo!
So, to celebrate, I've been watching streaming movies from Netflix. I watched Vanishing Point, The Omega Man and a couple episodes of Fawlty Towers.
And the other night, to get in the mood for Halloween I started watching this filck:
... or so I thought. I watched about 20 minutes of this Unearthed. It was supposed to be the film above, produced in 2007 and that ran in the 2008 HorrorFest "8 Films To Die For," but it was the wrong one.
Since my little wife was off supervising focus groups, and since my little baby was fast asleep, and since I didn't have anything better to do, I called NetFlix to tell them they had the wrong movie linked to the streaming version of Unearthed. It went a little something like this:
NetFlix: Hi, thanks for calling NetFlix, what's up?
Me: You got the wrong version of Unearthed linked to stream.
NetFlix: Really? How do you know?
Me: Tom Savini isn't in the 2007 version.
NetFlix: Oh, I see here that he isn't.
Me: Yeah, I watched about 20 minutes of the wrong version only because he was in it. I also wasn't sure it wasn't the wrong movie for a while.
NetFlix: I'd watch it too if he was in it.
Me: You like Tom Savini?
NetFlix: Yeah! Where would horror movies be without him?
Me: Totally.
NetFlix: Could you describe what happened in the version you watched?
Me: I only watched part of it. It got really bad and I bailed out.
NetFlix: What happened in the part you watched?
Me: Okay, don't laugh at me for watching it. I only got as far as I did because Tom Savini.
NetFlix: Okay, I won't laugh.
Me: Okay. In this version of the movie, which had the title "Unearthed" in the opening credits, went like this: It opens in a cab parked in an alley at night, the fare talking about something and suddenly the cabbie whirls and blows the fare's head off w/ a funny-looking pistol. The cabbie jumps out and shoots three other jerks in the alley and then bails.
Cut to the next day and Tom Savini is a cop at the crime scene. They kick at the dead guys' exploded heads and make jokes. Then a black guy on a bike wheels up in the background, sees what's happening and tears off outta there.
Cut to a jerk with a mullet was a jerk lawyer telling a mousy-looking archeologist gal that her dig at a construction site in downtown Tampa, Florida that her dig was ordered closed by the courts and to clear out by 5 pm. In hurrying to finish the dig, they "unearth" a couple totally intact clay pots adorned w/ scary pictures. oooooh.
Cut to weird scenes of "Virtual Reality" (remember that?) sex w/ a lady in a scary mask. These cut to a weirdo in a VR mask moaning. These cut to this guy's weird green hands with clawlike fingernails. Back to nekkid mask lady in front of a mandelbrot. Then the black guy wheels up on the bike and navigates through a creepy, abandoned industrial site, finally reaching ... VR Claw guy's room. Bike guy pushes a button on VR Claw guy's VR mask and BANG! VR Claw guy grabs bike guy by the throat and hauls him up against the wall! "WHY HAVE YOU DISTURBED MEEEEE!!!!" he demands ...
I could go no further. I turned it off and called you.
NetFlix: Yeah. That's totally not the right movie. I can't believe you watched 20 minutes of it. Sounds really, really bad.
Me: It was. Tom Savini or not.
NetFlix: Yeah.
Tonight - Homestead.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Chester's Night
10.4.2k9
I know the shitty economy has affected several Lovely List Members and I hope things have straightened out and you landed or you will land in a better place than where you were bounced out of. I dunno if it's the economy or the abject greed of the executives that run the biz I work for, but it's looking kinda dire around here.
They tore down the blimp hanger yesterday. All those airship commuters are outta fucking luck. The bike racks were Craigslisted. The posting price was $65 and some dick offered 16 bucks and the greedy scum jumped at it. Lucky I both switched to skateboard and didn't park in the bike rack, cuz the pedalestrians are outta lucko too. And next, I hear they're going to cut the zero-vis guide ropes that stretch to the beach and what with the fog we've been getting lately, the beach traffic is gonna end up in Santa Monica. They conceded the helipad to thomeless, and the three-story thomeless wagons are fifty abreast. God, the stink of them.
Thomeless smell really fuckin' bad, too.
Tonight - Lucky 13.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I know the shitty economy has affected several Lovely List Members and I hope things have straightened out and you landed or you will land in a better place than where you were bounced out of. I dunno if it's the economy or the abject greed of the executives that run the biz I work for, but it's looking kinda dire around here.
They tore down the blimp hanger yesterday. All those airship commuters are outta fucking luck. The bike racks were Craigslisted. The posting price was $65 and some dick offered 16 bucks and the greedy scum jumped at it. Lucky I both switched to skateboard and didn't park in the bike rack, cuz the pedalestrians are outta lucko too. And next, I hear they're going to cut the zero-vis guide ropes that stretch to the beach and what with the fog we've been getting lately, the beach traffic is gonna end up in Santa Monica. They conceded the helipad to thomeless, and the three-story thomeless wagons are fifty abreast. God, the stink of them.
Thomeless smell really fuckin' bad, too.
Tonight - Lucky 13.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Southpark did it.
10.3.2k9
A pal and i were on an onion ring kick and we tried all in the neighborhood and had to move out of the 'hood to try more. I had some surprisingly kickass 'rings while up in the PacNW this past summer, so I took us where I got the surprises: Denny's®.
Denny's®, and its sister, The International House of Pancakes®, are twin sisters. They are exactly the same. Trademark and copyright issues aside, their menus mirror one another. And their menus are the inspiration for this Venue Announcement: Their menus are awesome.
On these menus, the idea of the mashup was born. The venerable francheesie was born here. You want a reuben and a corndog together? They got it. You want the deliciousness of a Grand Slam™ breakfast with the convenience of a burrito? You bet!
You want hash and eggs but with hash browns instead of normal hash spuds? All with a layer of maple-goo? Yes sir! I swear, I've seen more crazy combinations on those menus that I thought that Doctor Moreau was real and he was working in the IHOP test kitchen. Then I learned the truth: They've got monkeys.
And not just any monkeys, they've got drunk blindfolded monkeys with darts. Here's the scoop: At the IHOP test kitchen, there's a large room with one wall covered with 8x8 glossy photographs of every simple food item on the planet IHOP. Plain cheesburger. Dish of cottage chee. Stack of pancakes. Dish of au jus. Garden salad. etc., etc. Also on the wall are 8x8s of cooking methods: Breaded and deep fried. Steamed. Pan seared. Baked. Roasted. Broasted. And they've got sauces: Red, white, cheese, caramel, chocolate and on and on and on. A food scientist gets the monkey good and liquored up, straps him onto a stool w/ a swivel seat, blindfolds him and hands him colored darts. The monkey throws all the darts and then the food scientist notes where the similarly colored darts found home, then the magic starts. A red dart on a bowl of spaghetti, meat sauce and a focaccia roll gets on the menu as a spaghetti sandwich. This is the method that brought the world the chillancakeucini: A blue dart on a bowl of chili, a short stack and a plate of fettucini. This is a true, verified story. And ...
And the onion rings sucked and I felt icky the rest of the day. The Grand Slamwich™ could have played a role in there too.
Tonight - Lone Palm.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
A pal and i were on an onion ring kick and we tried all in the neighborhood and had to move out of the 'hood to try more. I had some surprisingly kickass 'rings while up in the PacNW this past summer, so I took us where I got the surprises: Denny's®.
Denny's®, and its sister, The International House of Pancakes®, are twin sisters. They are exactly the same. Trademark and copyright issues aside, their menus mirror one another. And their menus are the inspiration for this Venue Announcement: Their menus are awesome.
On these menus, the idea of the mashup was born. The venerable francheesie was born here. You want a reuben and a corndog together? They got it. You want the deliciousness of a Grand Slam™ breakfast with the convenience of a burrito? You bet!
You want hash and eggs but with hash browns instead of normal hash spuds? All with a layer of maple-goo? Yes sir! I swear, I've seen more crazy combinations on those menus that I thought that Doctor Moreau was real and he was working in the IHOP test kitchen. Then I learned the truth: They've got monkeys.
And not just any monkeys, they've got drunk blindfolded monkeys with darts. Here's the scoop: At the IHOP test kitchen, there's a large room with one wall covered with 8x8 glossy photographs of every simple food item on the planet IHOP. Plain cheesburger. Dish of cottage chee. Stack of pancakes. Dish of au jus. Garden salad. etc., etc. Also on the wall are 8x8s of cooking methods: Breaded and deep fried. Steamed. Pan seared. Baked. Roasted. Broasted. And they've got sauces: Red, white, cheese, caramel, chocolate and on and on and on. A food scientist gets the monkey good and liquored up, straps him onto a stool w/ a swivel seat, blindfolds him and hands him colored darts. The monkey throws all the darts and then the food scientist notes where the similarly colored darts found home, then the magic starts. A red dart on a bowl of spaghetti, meat sauce and a focaccia roll gets on the menu as a spaghetti sandwich. This is the method that brought the world the chillancakeucini: A blue dart on a bowl of chili, a short stack and a plate of fettucini. This is a true, verified story. And ...
And the onion rings sucked and I felt icky the rest of the day. The Grand Slamwich™ could have played a role in there too.
Tonight - Lone Palm.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, October 08, 2009
My Little Pony (redux)
10.2.2k9
(flashback from 3 years ago)
I landed a job at a really big movie studio down here in LA and I'm pretty fired-up about it. You might have heard of it. It's called "DD." I like initials: ORD, MDW, PDX, dcb, CDJ, ttyl, and, of course (for Alan), FU.
The joint has been busy for many years, churning out Hollywood favs by the dozens. Perhaps you've heard of a few of them.
Transformers (2007) Can't wait! Movies about idiot cartoons are my fav! When ya think someone will make "Thundercats?" How 'bout "Galaxy Rangers?" "Underdog?"
Flags of Our Fathers (2006) Holding breath. Should be really good.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) The original scared the shit out of me. Christ ... when that gal blew up into a giant blueberry I went runnin' for my little bed. Dad was already "sleeping" in it so I spooned my brother.
Cinderella Man (2005) Saw it in the lobby waitin' for my interview.
The Day After Tomorrow (2004) I had some pals who worked on this at The Orphanage. I demanded my money back from them.)
The Missing (2003) What's her name? That fairy queen? That spooky fairy queen from that long frikkin' movie with the midgets? She's hot.
The Italian Job (2003) Wasn't Ed Norton in this as a bad guy? Or was it Jerry Garcia? Tama, hep me on this.
Adaptation. (2002) Was this the one with David Duchovny and the aliens in Las Vegas?
A Beautiful Mind (2001) Jennifer Connelly is really cute in this and in The Hot Spot.
Vanilla Sky (2001) I used to like that grrrrl before she went for that boyband dope.
Red Planet (2000) I used to like Val before he went for that boyband dope.
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) Quality.
Fight Club (1999) Weird enough to be good.
What Dreams May Come (1998) OK, who DIDN'T win an Academy Award for this movie?
Titanic (1997) I wanted to shoot self.
The Fifth Element (1997) Wasn't ready for it the first time through. Now I got two words for ya: Mil la.
Tonight- "time" to go "green" (ugh...) @ Doc's Clock
2575 Misso Street (x 21st & 22nd)
Be sure to say high to "Pooka", the friendly canine behind the bar.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
I like lists!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
(flashback from 3 years ago)
I landed a job at a really big movie studio down here in LA and I'm pretty fired-up about it. You might have heard of it. It's called "DD." I like initials: ORD, MDW, PDX, dcb, CDJ, ttyl, and, of course (for Alan), FU.
The joint has been busy for many years, churning out Hollywood favs by the dozens. Perhaps you've heard of a few of them.
Transformers (2007) Can't wait! Movies about idiot cartoons are my fav! When ya think someone will make "Thundercats?" How 'bout "Galaxy Rangers?" "Underdog?"
Flags of Our Fathers (2006) Holding breath. Should be really good.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) The original scared the shit out of me. Christ ... when that gal blew up into a giant blueberry I went runnin' for my little bed. Dad was already "sleeping" in it so I spooned my brother.
Cinderella Man (2005) Saw it in the lobby waitin' for my interview.
The Day After Tomorrow (2004) I had some pals who worked on this at The Orphanage. I demanded my money back from them.)
The Missing (2003) What's her name? That fairy queen? That spooky fairy queen from that long frikkin' movie with the midgets? She's hot.
The Italian Job (2003) Wasn't Ed Norton in this as a bad guy? Or was it Jerry Garcia? Tama, hep me on this.
Adaptation. (2002) Was this the one with David Duchovny and the aliens in Las Vegas?
A Beautiful Mind (2001) Jennifer Connelly is really cute in this and in The Hot Spot.
Vanilla Sky (2001) I used to like that grrrrl before she went for that boyband dope.
Red Planet (2000) I used to like Val before he went for that boyband dope.
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) Quality.
Fight Club (1999) Weird enough to be good.
What Dreams May Come (1998) OK, who DIDN'T win an Academy Award for this movie?
Titanic (1997) I wanted to shoot self.
The Fifth Element (1997) Wasn't ready for it the first time through. Now I got two words for ya: Mil la.
Tonight- "time" to go "green" (ugh...) @ Doc's Clock
2575 Misso Street (x 21st & 22nd)
Be sure to say high to "Pooka", the friendly canine behind the bar.
Here's tonight's: Find the Reference!
I like lists!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, October 01, 2009
More notes from Sea View
10.1.2k9
What do ya call a street cleaner that has a mountain of street debris crammed somewhere up in it and every 20 feet or so disgorges a grocery-bag-sized load of it between the lines the ridiculous onboard goop sprayers laid down? I dunno but it AIN'T anything related to CLEANING. Goddamn thing made a frikkin' mess. It needs a friggin' CHASE-STREET SWEEPER to clean up after it. Or mebbe that little guy from the open to Peabody's Improbable History who follows the parade and picks up the horse and elephant shit and flower petals strewn about (by Tim.)
Also in the new hood ... the new bodega! I went there for beer once and got an 18-pack of ML for ... wait for it ... 18 bucks! Dude gave me a lime, too! Bonus lime and no CRV. Went back, looking for a green pepper and found MHL Camo Cans!
Remember to enjoy these beauties AFTER the adventure. ha!
Tonight - Mr. Bing's.
Remember to bring a shoehorn and some Vaseline™, cuz we're going to be packed into a small space. And watch you don't brain yrself on the neons.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
What do ya call a street cleaner that has a mountain of street debris crammed somewhere up in it and every 20 feet or so disgorges a grocery-bag-sized load of it between the lines the ridiculous onboard goop sprayers laid down? I dunno but it AIN'T anything related to CLEANING. Goddamn thing made a frikkin' mess. It needs a friggin' CHASE-STREET SWEEPER to clean up after it. Or mebbe that little guy from the open to Peabody's Improbable History who follows the parade and picks up the horse and elephant shit and flower petals strewn about (by Tim.)
Also in the new hood ... the new bodega! I went there for beer once and got an 18-pack of ML for ... wait for it ... 18 bucks! Dude gave me a lime, too! Bonus lime and no CRV. Went back, looking for a green pepper and found MHL Camo Cans!
Remember to enjoy these beauties AFTER the adventure. ha!
Tonight - Mr. Bing's.
Remember to bring a shoehorn and some Vaseline™, cuz we're going to be packed into a small space. And watch you don't brain yrself on the neons.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
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