Tooth and Nail

..2k9

Our new home, "house," has verizon's FIOS internet. OMG, is it fast! Woo!

So, to celebrate, I've been watching streaming movies from Netflix. I watched Vanishing Point, The Omega Man and a couple episodes of Fawlty Towers.

And the other night, to get in the mood for Halloween I started watching this filck:



... or so I thought. I watched about 20 minutes of this Unearthed. It was supposed to be the film above, produced in 2007 and that ran in the 2008 HorrorFest "8 Films To Die For," but it was the wrong one.

Since my little wife was off supervising focus groups, and since my little baby was fast asleep, and since I didn't have anything better to do, I called NetFlix to tell them they had the wrong movie linked to the streaming version of Unearthed. It went a little something like this:

NetFlix: Hi, thanks for calling NetFlix, what's up?
Me: You got the wrong version of Unearthed linked to stream.
NetFlix: Really? How do you know?
Me: Tom Savini isn't in the 2007 version.
NetFlix: Oh, I see here that he isn't.
Me: Yeah, I watched about 20 minutes of the wrong version only because he was in it. I also wasn't sure it wasn't the wrong movie for a while.
NetFlix: I'd watch it too if he was in it.
Me: You like Tom Savini?
NetFlix: Yeah! Where would horror movies be without him?
Me: Totally.
NetFlix: Could you describe what happened in the version you watched?
Me: I only watched part of it. It got really bad and I bailed out.
NetFlix: What happened in the part you watched?
Me: Okay, don't laugh at me for watching it. I only got as far as I did because Tom Savini.
NetFlix: Okay, I won't laugh.
Me: Okay. In this version of the movie, which had the title "Unearthed" in the opening credits, went like this: It opens in a cab parked in an alley at night, the fare talking about something and suddenly the cabbie whirls and blows the fare's head off w/ a funny-looking pistol. The cabbie jumps out and shoots three other jerks in the alley and then bails.
Cut to the next day and Tom Savini is a cop at the crime scene. They kick at the dead guys' exploded heads and make jokes. Then a black guy on a bike wheels up in the background, sees what's happening and tears off outta there.
Cut to a jerk with a mullet was a jerk lawyer telling a mousy-looking archeologist gal that her dig at a construction site in downtown Tampa, Florida that her dig was ordered closed by the courts and to clear out by 5 pm. In hurrying to finish the dig, they "unearth" a couple totally intact clay pots adorned w/ scary pictures. oooooh.
Cut to weird scenes of "Virtual Reality" (remember that?) sex w/ a lady in a scary mask. These cut to a weirdo in a VR mask moaning. These cut to this guy's weird green hands with clawlike fingernails. Back to nekkid mask lady in front of a mandelbrot. Then the black guy wheels up on the bike and navigates through a creepy, abandoned industrial site, finally reaching ... VR Claw guy's room. Bike guy pushes a button on VR Claw guy's VR mask and BANG! VR Claw guy grabs bike guy by the throat and hauls him up against the wall! "WHY HAVE YOU DISTURBED MEEEEE!!!!" he demands ...
I could go no further. I turned it off and called you.
NetFlix: Yeah. That's totally not the right movie. I can't believe you watched 20 minutes of it. Sounds really, really bad.
Me: It was. Tom Savini or not.
NetFlix: Yeah.


Tonight - Homestead.



bye-ee!

whrr ... clik!