Scoop Away

9.5.2013


I was running some errands the other day and wound up at Sprouts market.  It touts itself as "your Farmer's Market Market," or some such shit.  I heard from a park dad that it had good produce.  I didn't need produce (I got a REAL farmer's market for that), but I needed dried split peas, dried beans and rice.  They have bins full of that shit.

I scored what I needed, went home.  I cooked up Mexican rice and refried beans for Ez's dinner and I gotta tell you it was good.

Next morn I told my little wife about going to Sprouts and she said she hated that joint.  I said, whu?  Why?  She said she didn't like the bins; too many people snack on the shit in the bins.

"They help themselves to dried banana chips and chocolate pretzels and shit," she said.  "That's fucking gross."

I was about to say something and she said, "Same thing at Whole Paycheck.  People eat right out of the fucking bins.  Yuck."

I didn't doubt her.  So when I went back to Sprouts another "the other day," sure enough, there was some asshole eating right out of the bins:  She scooped-up a handful of dried red lentils and started munching.

Tonight - The Homestead.

Yep.  Happy end of the month.  


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

The swing ...

... of the pendulum thing.

9.3.2013

I don't know if The Onion takes submissions or suggestions for their snarky articles and/or one-liners, but I've come up with a couple recently.

I.

President Orders Nation's Flags Set To Half-Staff Permanently
Washington, D.C. - The President, citing the interval between mass shootings nearly nonexistent, orders flags at all Federal installations to be lowered to half-staff "henceforth."
"It seems that as soon as we raise the flag back to full staff, someone goes and shoots-up another group of people," he said, "and in light of the tragedy, I have to tell my guys to go back out there and lower the flags again.  They go down, back up, down again, back up for a day or two, then BANG, so down they go.  It's a colossal waste of time, raising them up just to have to lower them to half-staff again."

I could go on, but I think you get the gist.

II.  (This one is a parody of those Christian Televangelist assholes who claim that god sent that killer tornado to Oklahoma City because the state legislated same-sex marriage or some such shit.) 

Floods Ravaging Colorado "God's Punishment," Christian Group Claims

Colorado Springs, CO - Reverend A. S. Sclown, leader of the pro gun-control Plowshares Foundation today said in a press conference that the floods ravaging many parts of Colorado are "God's punishment" of the people of Colorado for recalling two pro gun-control legislators last week.  The two state senators, democrats Angela Giron of Pueblo and John Morse of Colorado Springs were recalled last week and voters replaced them with anti gun-control republicans.  "The Lord is clearly displeased with the results of the recall election," the Reverend said, "He sent these floods to express His feelings."  

It's not great, but there's something there.  Fuck it.

Tonight - Dogpatch Saloon
(a little off-the-grid, but a great old place conveniently along the T- Line)


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

They ain't all winners.

9.2.2013

Okay, so thrills in my life so richly detailed here in VAs from long-ago weeks are few these days.  At least ones that don't concern my Ez, my little wife, Jeep, cat, Cubs, Bears or Blackhawks.  So when an opportunity to MANUFACTURE a thrill pops up, I take a chance.  For better or worse or, as in this case, for nothing but a VA.

Among the reams of paperwork coming home from school in Ez's folder, Friday's lot had a flyer with a picture of a big mobile shredding truck and the words:  "Free Shredding!  Bring your documents to school Saturday and we'll shred them in this big ass truck!  Free tacos, too!  And fucking raffles for gourmet cupcakes, that new quinoa burger place and the "no lard" bakery.  Brought to you by the Crazy Gals Realtor Co."  As I had a box of shredables, and because I like tacos, I figured I'd go.  My little wife said, "buy some cupcakes."  I said they were raffling-off giftcards for the cupcake place.  "Buy some raffle tickets for the cupcakes."  Okay.

I chatted with the shred-truck operator and he was cool.  He said he could shred a desk with his truck and I asked if he ever tried.  No, he said, but he said he shredded some batteries before and they found the fire they made before it burned his truck down.

I excused myself from the truck and went to buy my raffle tickets.  I endured the realtor's sales pitches and signed up for a weekly email or something, give me my tacos.  I got my tacos and they were yummy!

So a couple days later the phone rings.  Predictably, it was the Crazy Gals.

"Hi.  Are you the man who brought his two gorgeous blonde girls to the shred event Saturday?"

"Um, no," I said, "and frankly, if I had a different life and two gorgeous blonde girls, I'd be going somewhere other than to a shred-fest with them."

"..."

"Oh!  Did you say young girls- like KIDS young?  No.  That wasn't me."

"Ah, okay.  Well you didn't with the raffle."

"Okay," I said, "the tacos were great and the shred truck was cool.  Thanks for bringing it along."

I'm pretty sure she wanted to hang up on me.  "You're welcome," she said, "would you like our newsletter?"

I told her I signed up for it at the shred-fest.  "If I'm going to buy a house, I'm gonna use you guys.  The Hell with those other realtors, right?"

"Um, okay.  Thanks."

"You bet, bye-bye."

Tonight - Zeitgeist


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

SIKE! (sic)

9.1.2013

Summer summer summer party at the AD VER TIZIN' Agency!  You know what that means:  Booze, blues and tattoos (replace the last two with the first one and you get the gist).

My little wife's agency had their party yesterday (on a Wednesday, since today is "booked" by a Holiday).  I don't go to these things, the last among the reasons why not is that I'm not invited.  I do know the drill, though:  They go to work where busses and shuttles take them to the venue.  There, they drink, eat, drink, watch indie bands, drink, drink and drink.  Somewhere in there all their cellphones' batteries die.

Knowing this, we fit a "No Drunk Driving Home From The Day Drinking Booze Fest" into her commute.  I offered to drive her to work and either come get her when the busses took her back to the office or she could cab.  She drove herself to work and Ez and I would go get her if she was impaired.

Around mid-afternoon, we agreed that I'd go get her at the office after I collected Ez from school at 6p.  She'd take the bus back and be there around the same time.  While I was picking him up, my phone rang but I couldn't pick it up.  I checked the vmail almost immediately and she said on it, "My phone is dead, call my office phone, please."  I called it and got vmail.  "She must be in the potty," I said.  I talk like that now.  "Potty."  Jesus.

Ez and I drove over to her office.  She didn't ring back while we were en route.  She didn't answer when we got there.  The place was buttoned-up tight, so we couldn't go in to look for her, even if we knew where to look.  We waited.

We waited.  We called.  Got voice mail.  We waited.  For an hour, we waited.

"Fuck this shit, Ez, we're outta here," I said to Ez, not quite in that way.

At home, later, I was making Ez dinner and the phone rang.  A 773 area code, so it was coming from Chicago.  Nope, it was my little wife on a pal's phone.  "Can you come get me now," she asked.  I told her we already did and she wasn't there so we went home and we're busy now so she was on her own.

She came home and apologized.  She said she was at her office when she called, but she left to get more drinks and tacos with her pals.

I think the old, "Come get me but I ain't gonna be here" is so goddamn weird that it's useless getting bent outta shape.  It's annoying, but, Hell, it's a good trick.

Not that I'm gonna try it on her.


Tonight -  Latin American Club.    Yay!!


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!