Shadnick (REDUX)

9.4.2018 (first posted this week 2004)

Sometimes the inspiration for a Venue Announcement strikes at a moment when I'm not able to write it out so I leave little clues or keywords on scraps of paper to remind me what to write later. Often I'll lose these post-its and whatnot, sometimes never to find them and at other times finding them and having no idea what the hell they mean. Take for example the note I found yesterday: 

"Boathouse - waterdog - pay toilet" 

"L. Wong driving school" 

"Elke Sommer - palm tree - fistfight" 

This one was so cryptic it took me a second to realize it was VA notes. I have no idea what they mean. Dunno where I was going to take them.  

So anyway ... if there's one thing I love, it's how the English swear. I've mentioned before that it tickles me to death to hear English folks proclaim "Fucking Hell" and "Bollocks to you!" I have discovered, in my advanced age, that them crazy folks from Down Under swear real nice too. If you want to hear a real-live Aussie swear in real-life, please come to the meeting tonight and you'll meet one. That's right, List Member Lyndal is bringing one for show-and-tell. I promise I can make her swear. 

Tonight - The Homestead


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

Slugfest! (REDUX)

9.3.2018. (first published this week 2004)

Cat Hair Levels Near Total Surface Saturation 

By Stuart Pidd 
The Bisbee Bee 

Alameda, CA - Despite concentrated efforts to stem the tide of cat hair surface contamination, the levels continue to rise in a vintage two-story townhouse here. 

"The hair is everywhere," said Bucky Nopants, a resident of the domicile. "If (you) have cats, (you are) going to expect a certain amount of cat hair on (your) furniture and clothes. We've got hardwood floors and it's not uncommon to see weird little tufts of hair along the floorboards and stairs." But now the nuisance is showing up in other, unlikely places, Mr. Nopants said. "I brush my teeth and there's cat hair in my mouth! I swig V8 right from the bottle - the bottle that's in the fridge! - and I got cat hair in my mouth. The (expletive) stuff is (expletive) everywhere. It's in my eyes, on my clothes, in my whiskers!" 

It is reported that Pepper Sweetchunks, the co-habitant of the townhouse, routinely changes from her work clothes to rags that one might strip furniture in, or perhaps paint tree trunks in, when she returns home from work. "Oh you bet your (expletive) I change my clothes the second I get home. One friendly rub-up from one of those monsters and yr pants are toast." 

The monsters in question are two domestic longhair felines, one whitish, blue-eyed and annoyingly gregarious, the other blackish, yellow-eyed and guaranteed to flop at the slightest provocation or lick on command. 

While the vacuum runs constantly here and astonishing amounts of hair are brushed from the beasts, the cat hair levels have been rising steadily for weeks. 

Basil Cornpone, a corporate officer from Eephus Solutions, a site clean-up firm contracted by Mr. Nopants and Miss Sweetchunks to solve the problem, concedes the struggle's paradigm has shifted from offensive to defensive. "I've been in the cat hair extraction business for 36 days now and I've never seen it like this. No amount of brushing seems to help. We've power vacuumed this place for weeks with industrial tools and still there's cat hair. We've given up the obvious solutions and resorted to "Plan X." 

The so-called "Plan X," as it was explained to the Bee, consists of high levels of defensive ignoring of the problem, in addition to defensive hoping it will go away. 

With "Plan X" in effect for two weeks already, and scheduled to continue indefinitely, Mr. Nopants and Miss Sweetchunks hope to see results soon. "There's only so much (you) can do," said Mr. Nopants, "I mean, I ain't a prayin' man, but I was about to resort to it. Nothing else worked worth a (expletive)." 


Tonight - Orbit Room (by request - festivities abounding!)


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

"Chute, I almost made it!" (REDUX)

9.2.2018 (first posted this week 2000)

I totally forgot that we have several list members representing the TNSC at the Sydney Olympics! Did anyone tape the Parade of Nations? Crap! I was at a bar with list member Mrs. Amanda Rose and at least we got to see it on the Tee Vee. Ya have to wait a long time for "Thursday" to come around in the alphabet. Our folks looked great, though, didn't they? Worth the wait. Congrats to Mary Haring for winning the "Olympic Parade of Nations Flag Bearer Contest" a few weeks back. I just checked the Medal Count board and TNSC is kickin' butt:

Bishop has a gold in Quit-your-job-and-go-to-art-school.

Moss bronzed in Suggest-Noc-Noc-for-the-TNSC-venue.

Anna and Dave won the gold in Get-Engaged.

(nameless) won the gold in Cubicle-construction.

John Metsker has silver in Best-Parking-Space.

Alan hisownself silvered in Cigarette-lighting.

Team Bjeldanes is holding its own in Softball-under-the-influence.

Susan Smith is still in medal contention for Avoid-getting-kicked-in-the-head-at-the-Man ... Or Astroman?-show.

Jerry just advanced to the medal round in Softball-homerun-derby.

Chef leads the pack in Liking-a-shitty-football-team.

Sally Carter won the gold in Needing-a-drink-after-a-helluva-Thursday-morning.

Guess what Rosey won gold in? Ha!

Still to come:

We have Amy Shuba competing in the Nice-car event.

Dee represents us in the Consecutive-hangovers contest (this is an exhibition sport).

Lori K. in the Photograph-drunk-list-members.

Jeremy in Blow-town (a clear favorite).

Sue Erokan in Pose-for-barroom-portraits.

And a whole bunch of people in Ditch-the-TNSC-meeting.

To that end, the meeting this week is here:

Elixir

New to the list: Mark, Edie. Hey folks. Like I said last week, no more mention of taking people who never come to the meetings ever off the list. Ever. Not one more time. I swear. Allison.

Tonight's Contest: Heck. Why not? "Puke on a raccoon" contest.

Tonight's Dramatic Reenactment: Evel Knievel jumps the Snake River Canyon.

8 November 1974. Twin Falls, Idaho. The World's Greatest Daredevil attempts to jump the 1,580-foot distance over the Snake River Canyon in the steam-powered X-1 Skycycle. His parachute deploys early and the stunt is a fiasco. Tonight's Reenactment is being performed by Jason Porter using the dolls (made by Ideal Toy - that's right, the real McCoy) and the puppetry skills he is famous for. Thanks to Belinda and Danielle for construction of the miniature Canyon and "launch site."

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!

Sunshine

9.1.2018

In 1984 I got into a private, Catholic high school.  Somehow, someone at the school or the school's church - I don't know which - discovered that while I had been baptized way back when, I'd never been confirmed. I can't conceive of the church network being so tight that they could know that without, maybe, my mom filling out an admission form that way.  Ticking one box but not another, that is.

I think I took the call from Sister Mary Whatserface and she made it clear to me that I was to report to room 3 at Most Holy Trinity school at 7p on next Tuesday night for Confirmation class.  She hung up and I talked about it with my mom.  We both shrugged and decided to give it a go.  I wasn't Catholic, didn't attend mass regularly (at all), but I'd go.  "What the hell, what could go wrong," I thought.

MHT was behind a Dunkin' Donuts not far from home.  My mom dropped me off there and told me she'd pick me up at the donut shop at 8:00.  I went and found room 3.  The door had a sign on it, "Confirmation Class."  This was it.  I went in and found Sister Mary.  I was a bit early, so Sister Mary - in full habit - asked why she'd not seen me at mass.  I told her I was allergic to stained glass.  She didn't believe me.  She told me to sit over there and glared at me while the other children filed in.  The other children.  I was 14, about to start high school and the kids coming in were eight, nine and ten.  Maybe a 12 year old or two, but I was ancient compared to these tykes.  Most of them were girls.  Two of the girls where neighbors three doors down from where I lived.  They swam in our pool.  I knew them.  Would this be a good thing, or a bad thing?

The class started and Sister Mary passed out some workbooks.  They had Jesus on the cover with a bunch of lambs and some kids wearing rags.  We turned to the first page and Sister Mary read it aloud.  It was about what would happen to you if you didn't complete this workbook and if you didn't subsequently get confirmed.  What would happen would definitely not be a good thing.

The first part of the book was true or false.  "All people sin."  Sister Mary read question one.  "True!"  All the kids knew this one.  "Liars go to heaven."  "False," exclaimed the kids.  "Animals go to heaven," read Sister Mary.  I could smell a trap.  "True!" said the kids.  "Uh uh uh," said Sister Mary, "it is not so.  Animals do not go to heaven.  Only people - Christian people - go to heaven."  "Not our puppies and kitties?" asked one wee child.  "No," said Sister Mary, "there are no dogs and cats - or puppies or kittens - in heaven."  I heard a couple gasps and more than one whimper.

Next was multiple choice.  For this section, Sister Mary had the children and me read the question aloud, then the multiple choices and then chose the correct answer.  We started.

"The Son of God is, A.) Bob; B.) Phil or, C.) Jesus.  C.) Jesus." said the kid in the first seat of the row.  "Jesus, " I thought to myself, "what a softball question."  We went on.

"When is okay to pray," read the next kid, "A.) before bed; B.) before meals; C.) at church, or D.) all of the above."  "E.)," I thought, " before the Bears attempting the game-winning field goal kick.")  "D!" yelled the little scamp.  The kids all nodded in agreement.  ugh.  At this point I looked ahead in the questions to see which one I would have to read aloud.  I found it and could not believe my eyes.  It finally came to me and with it came the end of the softball questions.

It was my turn.  "Masturbation and the sexual abuse of oneself," I read to Sister Mary and the mostly girls and mostly really little kids, "is okay, A.) sometimes, B.) only if you're lonely or C.) NEVER AND YOU WILL GO TO FUCKING HELL IF YOU DO IT OR EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING IT."

I didn't say anything.  There wasn't a sound in the room.  "Well," Sister Mary asked, "which one is it?"  I waited another second.  I looked at the two neighbor girls.  They were staring at their worksheets, terrified.  A moment later I said, "there's a chance it's A.), but it might be B.)," - I paused.  Sister's eyes got really wide.  "But it's probably not A) or B)."  Sister was turning red.  I said, "It's probably C)."

"There is NO PROBABLY about it!! Sister Mary yelled, "you shall not think about it or do it, or hell awaits!"

A couple of the little kids started crying at that and Sister Mary went to them.  She called for a five minute break.  I took a "rest of my life break," hot-footed it out of there and went to Dunkin' Donuts.  I got a glazed donut and a cup of coffee and waited for my mom.

Tonight - House of Shields (and 10 Hail Marys)



bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!