Slugfest! (REDUX)

9.3.2018. (first published this week 2004)

Cat Hair Levels Near Total Surface Saturation 

By Stuart Pidd 
The Bisbee Bee 

Alameda, CA - Despite concentrated efforts to stem the tide of cat hair surface contamination, the levels continue to rise in a vintage two-story townhouse here. 

"The hair is everywhere," said Bucky Nopants, a resident of the domicile. "If (you) have cats, (you are) going to expect a certain amount of cat hair on (your) furniture and clothes. We've got hardwood floors and it's not uncommon to see weird little tufts of hair along the floorboards and stairs." But now the nuisance is showing up in other, unlikely places, Mr. Nopants said. "I brush my teeth and there's cat hair in my mouth! I swig V8 right from the bottle - the bottle that's in the fridge! - and I got cat hair in my mouth. The (expletive) stuff is (expletive) everywhere. It's in my eyes, on my clothes, in my whiskers!" 

It is reported that Pepper Sweetchunks, the co-habitant of the townhouse, routinely changes from her work clothes to rags that one might strip furniture in, or perhaps paint tree trunks in, when she returns home from work. "Oh you bet your (expletive) I change my clothes the second I get home. One friendly rub-up from one of those monsters and yr pants are toast." 

The monsters in question are two domestic longhair felines, one whitish, blue-eyed and annoyingly gregarious, the other blackish, yellow-eyed and guaranteed to flop at the slightest provocation or lick on command. 

While the vacuum runs constantly here and astonishing amounts of hair are brushed from the beasts, the cat hair levels have been rising steadily for weeks. 

Basil Cornpone, a corporate officer from Eephus Solutions, a site clean-up firm contracted by Mr. Nopants and Miss Sweetchunks to solve the problem, concedes the struggle's paradigm has shifted from offensive to defensive. "I've been in the cat hair extraction business for 36 days now and I've never seen it like this. No amount of brushing seems to help. We've power vacuumed this place for weeks with industrial tools and still there's cat hair. We've given up the obvious solutions and resorted to "Plan X." 

The so-called "Plan X," as it was explained to the Bee, consists of high levels of defensive ignoring of the problem, in addition to defensive hoping it will go away. 

With "Plan X" in effect for two weeks already, and scheduled to continue indefinitely, Mr. Nopants and Miss Sweetchunks hope to see results soon. "There's only so much (you) can do," said Mr. Nopants, "I mean, I ain't a prayin' man, but I was about to resort to it. Nothing else worked worth a (expletive)." 


Tonight - Orbit Room (by request - festivities abounding!)


bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!