Sunshine

9.1.2018

In 1984 I got into a private, Catholic high school.  Somehow, someone at the school or the school's church - I don't know which - discovered that while I had been baptized way back when, I'd never been confirmed. I can't conceive of the church network being so tight that they could know that without, maybe, my mom filling out an admission form that way.  Ticking one box but not another, that is.

I think I took the call from Sister Mary Whatserface and she made it clear to me that I was to report to room 3 at Most Holy Trinity school at 7p on next Tuesday night for Confirmation class.  She hung up and I talked about it with my mom.  We both shrugged and decided to give it a go.  I wasn't Catholic, didn't attend mass regularly (at all), but I'd go.  "What the hell, what could go wrong," I thought.

MHT was behind a Dunkin' Donuts not far from home.  My mom dropped me off there and told me she'd pick me up at the donut shop at 8:00.  I went and found room 3.  The door had a sign on it, "Confirmation Class."  This was it.  I went in and found Sister Mary.  I was a bit early, so Sister Mary - in full habit - asked why she'd not seen me at mass.  I told her I was allergic to stained glass.  She didn't believe me.  She told me to sit over there and glared at me while the other children filed in.  The other children.  I was 14, about to start high school and the kids coming in were eight, nine and ten.  Maybe a 12 year old or two, but I was ancient compared to these tykes.  Most of them were girls.  Two of the girls where neighbors three doors down from where I lived.  They swam in our pool.  I knew them.  Would this be a good thing, or a bad thing?

The class started and Sister Mary passed out some workbooks.  They had Jesus on the cover with a bunch of lambs and some kids wearing rags.  We turned to the first page and Sister Mary read it aloud.  It was about what would happen to you if you didn't complete this workbook and if you didn't subsequently get confirmed.  What would happen would definitely not be a good thing.

The first part of the book was true or false.  "All people sin."  Sister Mary read question one.  "True!"  All the kids knew this one.  "Liars go to heaven."  "False," exclaimed the kids.  "Animals go to heaven," read Sister Mary.  I could smell a trap.  "True!" said the kids.  "Uh uh uh," said Sister Mary, "it is not so.  Animals do not go to heaven.  Only people - Christian people - go to heaven."  "Not our puppies and kitties?" asked one wee child.  "No," said Sister Mary, "there are no dogs and cats - or puppies or kittens - in heaven."  I heard a couple gasps and more than one whimper.

Next was multiple choice.  For this section, Sister Mary had the children and me read the question aloud, then the multiple choices and then chose the correct answer.  We started.

"The Son of God is, A.) Bob; B.) Phil or, C.) Jesus.  C.) Jesus." said the kid in the first seat of the row.  "Jesus, " I thought to myself, "what a softball question."  We went on.

"When is okay to pray," read the next kid, "A.) before bed; B.) before meals; C.) at church, or D.) all of the above."  "E.)," I thought, " before the Bears attempting the game-winning field goal kick.")  "D!" yelled the little scamp.  The kids all nodded in agreement.  ugh.  At this point I looked ahead in the questions to see which one I would have to read aloud.  I found it and could not believe my eyes.  It finally came to me and with it came the end of the softball questions.

It was my turn.  "Masturbation and the sexual abuse of oneself," I read to Sister Mary and the mostly girls and mostly really little kids, "is okay, A.) sometimes, B.) only if you're lonely or C.) NEVER AND YOU WILL GO TO FUCKING HELL IF YOU DO IT OR EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING IT."

I didn't say anything.  There wasn't a sound in the room.  "Well," Sister Mary asked, "which one is it?"  I waited another second.  I looked at the two neighbor girls.  They were staring at their worksheets, terrified.  A moment later I said, "there's a chance it's A.), but it might be B.)," - I paused.  Sister's eyes got really wide.  "But it's probably not A) or B)."  Sister was turning red.  I said, "It's probably C)."

"There is NO PROBABLY about it!! Sister Mary yelled, "you shall not think about it or do it, or hell awaits!"

A couple of the little kids started crying at that and Sister Mary went to them.  She called for a five minute break.  I took a "rest of my life break," hot-footed it out of there and went to Dunkin' Donuts.  I got a glazed donut and a cup of coffee and waited for my mom.

Tonight - House of Shields (and 10 Hail Marys)



bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!