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5.4.2019  (first posted this week 2001)


"What was I thinking?"
I ask myself that a lot. When I think about it, I've been asking myself that for years.
"What was I thinking when ...
... I threw that rock?" (The smashed sliding-glass door really pissed everybody off.)
... I drove away?" (I used to drive.)
... I kissed that girl?" (No comment.)
... I lit that bicycle seat on fire?" (No lie. I lit a bike on fire.)
... I turned down that job?" (Sheesh. Things would be peachy.)
... I took that job?" (No comment.)
... I said that shit?" (Ugh. My big mouth gets me in some pretty deep holes.)
... I pissed off that rattlesnake?" (e-yep!)
... I drank the whole goddang thing?" (Said that a lot.)
... I ate the whole goddang thing?" (Said that a lot too.)
... I answered that door?"
... I called back?"
... I mailed the frikkin' thing in?"
... I spent so much dough on that piece of shit?"
... I didn't throw that thing out?"

Thinkin' up all that kinda soured my mood. Gotta think of something nice. Hmmmmm. Oh yeah. Starin' right at me. M&M's. Them suckers are crowd pleasers. Plain, peanut. You try them crispy ones yet? They're good! Contrary to their advertising, though, I can get 'em to melt in my hands. I don't hang on to them very long, either. Anyway ... I know you've all been desperate to know my M&M ritual ... so here ya go. Disclosed for the first time ... ever: Take four peanut M&M's of the same color (Very important to the ritual, them being the same color. Don't ask why). Pop one in your mouth and leave it there until the shell is all but gone and the chockey is soft. Then ya chew it up and repeat the process. Four M&M's is all you'll need. Here's the kicker. (It's kind of similar to "Beer Hunter.") You ritualistically eat the four M&M's, and while you're enjoying the candy portion of the experience, you're also trying to avoid the dreaded "tainted peanut". There's roughly one "tainted peanut" in every four peanut M&M's. The goal is to not let the "tainted peanut" be the last one you eat. So's you don't have the "tainted peanut" aftertaste. It really pisses me off to get the "tainted peanut" on the last one. Here's what doesn't piss me off:

Tonight: Lone Palm
By Request / Special out-of-town guests!


TONIGHT'S CONTEST: Contests tonight are the peanut M&M ritual and "Beer Hunter.*" *Participants please bring a six-pack.

TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Finally enjoying relief from his bout with achey-breaky ass, Jeremy plays the catapult in tonight's dramatic reenactment of that dude in England who built that big-ass catapult and flings stuff all over his farm's pastures. Yes, that's right ... this eccentric farmer-engineer used medieval technology to build a catapult capable of throwing HEAVY objects many hundreds of yards down range. Our players: Jeremy = the catapult; (nameless) and Dee = the English countryside; Freshy = the nutty farmer. Playing the "things getting hurled:" Moss = grand piano; Chef = an outhouse; Bishop = a pickup truck; Mrs. Alan Chimenti = a flaming bale of hay; Jason = two hundred cases of Sierra Nevada (ick); and Big Dave Parker plays a palette of Costco crap (that nicely shrink-wrapped pile of snacks comes apart real nice when whipped into the stratosphere by that midieval catapult!).

TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBERS: Two list members singled-out tonight: Chris Hamilton. Birthday. yay! Happy Bday, Chris. Gift ideas include: Chicken-leg-shaped tofu, fuel injectors, pledges, paperwork, IT professionals, handlebar tape and tickets to Shellac. Also singled-out: Bruce Newman. He has a dog named Homer.

bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!