12.2.2017 (first published this week 2008)
Quiz! What do these two nimrods ...
... have in common with these two nimrods?
Give up?? They all eat off the same plates!
Ya see, the cats' diets have changed over time and they now eat canned food. Only thing, their cat dishes were deep for a pile of dry food, not flat for a glob of wet. So my little wife went over to the second-hand shop (quote: "I don't want those fuckers eating off the plates WE eat off") and scored a foursome of small plates. Here are two:
The do the job very well. We got four so we could have two in action and have a pair clean at the same time. I was washing the cat spit off one when I turned it over and saw the stamp:
Braniff Airlines? I've flown Braniff! I don't remember such in-flight service, er ... service. Further inspection shows they were dishes for 747s ... likely First Class service, for folks like the nimrods pictured above.
I showed this to my wife and she didn't care. But I couldn't help but think of the exotic ports-of-call these simple dishes have visited in their time in service. The adventure! The wonder! Then I thought of their sad fates ... a dish for sliced chicken hearts and livers in thick gravy. ick.
But oh! the glory days!
Tonight - Lone Palm
(classing it up w/ white tablecloths)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Thursday, December 07, 2017
The "Down-Low"
12.1.2017
Loretta K Wilson. Lori K. Low-retta. Landlord.
Tonight - Bay View Boat Club
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Loretta K Wilson. Lori K. Low-retta. Landlord.
For the past 15+ years, however you’ve known her, Loretta has been a constant cheerleader for TNSC. Whether it’s making strategically relevant venue suggestions, dragging unsuspecting friends, acquaintances, or even strangers to our gatherings, or recommending names and email addys that should be added to the TNSC list,
In that time we've seen her challenge several careers: First Assistant Director, Director, Photographer, Medical Student, and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner - all the while continually supporting the endeavors of our tight-knit group, both in San Francisco, and occasionally afar from Nashville.
But tonight she’s outdone herself. She’s putting both her membership, and her reputation on the line by inviting all of us "ne’er do wells" into her Magical Maritime Retreat.
Arrive promptly around 8pm, if possible. Upon entering let the greeting attendant know that you are a guest of Loretta K Wilson.
**CASH ONLY**
There’s a parking lot out front, and expired meter parking along Terry Francois Blvd.
And, as always, be on your best behavior.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Exothermic? Endothermic? (REDUX)
11.5.2017 (first posted this week 2000 - also a 5-Thursday November)
You ever have one of them dreams "the experts" say means you want to sleep with your mother or that you harbor a deep guilt about shootin' pigeons with your BB gun when you were nine? Not me! I always have kick-ass dreams about surfing or finding a million bucks in my jeans pocket or finishing a really cool jigsaw puzzle. Of, like, the Hoover Dam or something. You ever been to the Hoover Dam? That sucker is somethin' else. Huge. I saw a TV documentary on it on the Discovery Channel. Amazing stuff. There's enough concrete in that thing to pave a 16-foot wide highway from San Francisco to New York City. Dang! Oh, and, they had to build an ice factory to cool the chemical heat created by the setting cement. Wow! The show's producers were quick to point out that, contrary to legend, nobody was buried alive in that concrete. I once had a dream about being buried alive. Sorta. I wasn't the one gettin' buried alive, I just witnessed it. A plane crash-landed on a pal and drove him deep into the ground. He survived, but was stuck in the ground with the wreck on top of him. I was like, "how sad," as a crowd of people gathered. I talked to him while he was stuck and he kept saying that he was hungry. I don't think he ever got out. Weird, huh? Try and make heads or tails of that one. Mull over tonight at:
Who wants to write a review of last week's "Secret Meeting?" I need a volunteer, as I was watching the Blackhawks give up power play goals to the Sharks. New to the list: Dan. Another Dan. Not the same Dan as a couple weeks back. Really. Swear to god.
TONIGHT'S CONTEST: Blue Ribbon Baby Photo Contest (?)
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Kasparov v. Deep Blue: The Rematch. In May 1997, Gary Kasparov, the World's reigning chess champ, played a rematch chess tournament with the IBM supercomputer named "Deep Blue." In an exciting turn-of-events, Deep Blue beat Kasparov. Game One, played on 03 May 1997, will feature Alan as Kasparov and Lee Lee the Musical Bee as Deep Blue. (Kasparov wins.) Game Two, played on 04 May, has Susan Smith as Kasparov and Jerry Castro as Deep Blue. (Deep Blue wins.) Game Three (06 May) will be Danielle as Kasparov and Belinda as Deep Blue. (Draw.) Game Four: (07 May) (nameless) as Kasparov, Teensy as Deep Blue. (Draw.) Game Five: (10 May) Moss as Kasparov, Jeremy as Deep Blue (Draw.) And the decisive Game Six, where Kasparov disgraced the human race, has John Metsker as Kasparov and Sue Erokan as the rampaging Deep Blue, the machine bent on World Domination!
Stadium seats at the movies are cool, sure, but what about two-seater stadium seats? For snuggling, hiding, whatever! Your thoughts.
Anybody have Andy Breccia's phone number? I lost it.
Shake off the tryptophan hangovers and get yerselves to The Homestead. Bring yer beautiful pals. I will. Fer sure. See you there!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
You ever have one of them dreams "the experts" say means you want to sleep with your mother or that you harbor a deep guilt about shootin' pigeons with your BB gun when you were nine? Not me! I always have kick-ass dreams about surfing or finding a million bucks in my jeans pocket or finishing a really cool jigsaw puzzle. Of, like, the Hoover Dam or something. You ever been to the Hoover Dam? That sucker is somethin' else. Huge. I saw a TV documentary on it on the Discovery Channel. Amazing stuff. There's enough concrete in that thing to pave a 16-foot wide highway from San Francisco to New York City. Dang! Oh, and, they had to build an ice factory to cool the chemical heat created by the setting cement. Wow! The show's producers were quick to point out that, contrary to legend, nobody was buried alive in that concrete. I once had a dream about being buried alive. Sorta. I wasn't the one gettin' buried alive, I just witnessed it. A plane crash-landed on a pal and drove him deep into the ground. He survived, but was stuck in the ground with the wreck on top of him. I was like, "how sad," as a crowd of people gathered. I talked to him while he was stuck and he kept saying that he was hungry. I don't think he ever got out. Weird, huh? Try and make heads or tails of that one. Mull over tonight at:
TONIGHT'S CONTEST: Blue Ribbon Baby Photo Contest (?)
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Kasparov v. Deep Blue: The Rematch. In May 1997, Gary Kasparov, the World's reigning chess champ, played a rematch chess tournament with the IBM supercomputer named "Deep Blue." In an exciting turn-of-events, Deep Blue beat Kasparov. Game One, played on 03 May 1997, will feature Alan as Kasparov and Lee Lee the Musical Bee as Deep Blue. (Kasparov wins.) Game Two, played on 04 May, has Susan Smith as Kasparov and Jerry Castro as Deep Blue. (Deep Blue wins.) Game Three (06 May) will be Danielle as Kasparov and Belinda as Deep Blue. (Draw.) Game Four: (07 May) (nameless) as Kasparov, Teensy as Deep Blue. (Draw.) Game Five: (10 May) Moss as Kasparov, Jeremy as Deep Blue (Draw.) And the decisive Game Six, where Kasparov disgraced the human race, has John Metsker as Kasparov and Sue Erokan as the rampaging Deep Blue, the machine bent on World Domination!
Stadium seats at the movies are cool, sure, but what about two-seater stadium seats? For snuggling, hiding, whatever! Your thoughts.
Anybody have Andy Breccia's phone number? I lost it.
Shake off the tryptophan hangovers and get yerselves to The Homestead. Bring yer beautiful pals. I will. Fer sure. See you there!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Balderdash! (REDUX)
11.3.2017 (first posted this week 2003)
So I had to submit to a urine test the other day. I'd been accused or using performance-enhancing drugs during the last Scrabble tournament I'd won and I had to clear my name. Boy is it a cutthroat world! Anyway, I don't know if you ever had to pee in a cup for anything other than normal reasons (?), but when you're a suspect, they treat you a lot different at the clinic. They're not nice. They're cold, they're quite rude and their stares burn a hole right through you. The clinician I was lucky enough to get was as big as a house and scary looking. He breathed through one nostril and squished his face into a scowl worthy of a Halloween mask. He ordered me to empty my pockets into a clear, lucite box. When I'd finished, he spun me around and fuckin'-A FRISKED me. "Jesus, buddy, watch yr hands," I said. He grunted a shutthefuckup. When his full-cavity search turned up nothing, he slapped a padlock on the lucite box and then handed me the box and thrust a piss cup in my hand. "Go in dere," he said, motioning to a room with a unisex symbol on the door, "and you gots fifteen seconds only. And yr being watched through the cameras and such. Don't do nothin' funny or I'm comin' in." Jesus, I thought, going into the room, no pressure or nothing.
I managed to fill the specimen cup in the alloted time and capped it. I opened the door and handed it over to the Neanderthal. "Here ya go, Piss Man," I said, "now unlock my shit, yo." I thought it was funny to call him Piss Man. And I aced the test. My pee was squeaky clean, yo. Don't need dope to throw my BCHSXYZ into _EN_O___AMP_OR_ to spell BENZOXYCAMPHORS and score 1830 points, yo.
Tonight - Persian Aub Zam Zam. (I guess it's just called "Zam Zam" now. WTF?)
It's TNSC founding member John Metsker's BDay. C'mon out and raise a toast to him!
** CASH ONLY **
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
So I had to submit to a urine test the other day. I'd been accused or using performance-enhancing drugs during the last Scrabble tournament I'd won and I had to clear my name. Boy is it a cutthroat world! Anyway, I don't know if you ever had to pee in a cup for anything other than normal reasons (?), but when you're a suspect, they treat you a lot different at the clinic. They're not nice. They're cold, they're quite rude and their stares burn a hole right through you. The clinician I was lucky enough to get was as big as a house and scary looking. He breathed through one nostril and squished his face into a scowl worthy of a Halloween mask. He ordered me to empty my pockets into a clear, lucite box. When I'd finished, he spun me around and fuckin'-A FRISKED me. "Jesus, buddy, watch yr hands," I said. He grunted a shutthefuckup. When his full-cavity search turned up nothing, he slapped a padlock on the lucite box and then handed me the box and thrust a piss cup in my hand. "Go in dere," he said, motioning to a room with a unisex symbol on the door, "and you gots fifteen seconds only. And yr being watched through the cameras and such. Don't do nothin' funny or I'm comin' in." Jesus, I thought, going into the room, no pressure or nothing.
I managed to fill the specimen cup in the alloted time and capped it. I opened the door and handed it over to the Neanderthal. "Here ya go, Piss Man," I said, "now unlock my shit, yo." I thought it was funny to call him Piss Man. And I aced the test. My pee was squeaky clean, yo. Don't need dope to throw my BCHSXYZ into _EN_O___AMP_OR_ to spell BENZOXYCAMPHORS and score 1830 points, yo.
Tonight - Persian Aub Zam Zam. (I guess it's just called "Zam Zam" now. WTF?)
It's TNSC founding member John Metsker's BDay. C'mon out and raise a toast to him!
** CASH ONLY **
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, November 09, 2017
Nosotros tenemos mas queso que tu tiene. (REDUX)
11.2.2017 (first posted this day 2000)
I'm totally bummed and not a little bit pissed off. Some jackass threw out my lunch. I'm trying to save some dough by bringing a lunch rather than going out every day and here we have some (expletive) going and throwing it out. Sure I can see the need to clean up - more so because this joint is filled to overflow with (expletive) slobs. (I think one of our technical staffers is actually a chunk of moldy cheese from the fridge that acquired sentience, mobility, language and LAN management skills and got his ass a good haircut and a job. I'm considering blowing the whistle on that gouda-boy and if I found out he's the one chucked my lunch I will.)
Dang. It was a good lunch, too. The sandwich was my fav: A BLORT sandwich. That's right, a Bacon, Lettuce, Onion, Ranch and Tomato sandy. You add the ranch early so the bread sogs up good. What else? Oh yeah, pickle. Oh (expletive)! My pickle! I wanted that (expletive) pickle! Ack! Yeah, I also got screwed out of Chili-Cheese Fritos. Best salty treat ... ever. Hunk of homemade punkin' pie. I'm not takin' hostages over that one because I gave this girl I know some of the pie in my super antique (mfg. 1954!) Tupperware pie tupper-thingy. I'm glad it's out on loan and not at the bottom of the (expletive) dust bin. It was my mom's. Crap. Tum-tum's a'growlin' and my former lunch is eight feet under. Or six. Six feet. Right. Six feet under. I have a problem with them things sometimes. Six feet under; Davey Smith's Locker, or Jones or whatever; "Give you an inch, You take a yard"; and the shave-your-dog's-ass-'cause-you're-so-dang-ugly joke. I screw those up all the time. I'm hungry now and it ain't even luncheon. Pitched lunch. Unlucky me. Let's drink here tonight fer chrissakes:
Broken Record (by request - a little detour to the Excelsior)
**CASH ONLY**
How about that goddamn election? "Gigantic step backward!" And I hear we ain't gonna get squished now: "INTERNET LINK" Might have been better? Nobody new to list. Nobody booted.
TONIGHT'S CONTEST: Voter-fraud contest (Bonus points if you're from Florida.)
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Sorry. The TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT Generator is offline. We hoped to have it back up by now, but no. Let's see ... go ahead and reenact last week's meeting. Kinda lame, sure, but without the TDRGen I'm at a loss. Next week for sure. (No Refunds. Don't even ask.)
TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBER: Teensy. The TNSC Attendance Probability Engine (still online) calculated a very low chance of Teensy showing up tonight. That data fed into the TNSC-TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBER Calculator (also still online) coughed up Teensy's name. Tag, Teensy, you're it.
I've seen three squished rats on the street lately. Just tail, claws and grease stain. Anybody out there slowing down for them poor, little, ugly suckers?
Repeat this throughout the day: I will go to the TNSC meeting tonight. I will bring my pals. I will see you there. bye-ee!
I'm totally bummed and not a little bit pissed off. Some jackass threw out my lunch. I'm trying to save some dough by bringing a lunch rather than going out every day and here we have some (expletive) going and throwing it out. Sure I can see the need to clean up - more so because this joint is filled to overflow with (expletive) slobs. (I think one of our technical staffers is actually a chunk of moldy cheese from the fridge that acquired sentience, mobility, language and LAN management skills and got his ass a good haircut and a job. I'm considering blowing the whistle on that gouda-boy and if I found out he's the one chucked my lunch I will.)
Dang. It was a good lunch, too. The sandwich was my fav: A BLORT sandwich. That's right, a Bacon, Lettuce, Onion, Ranch and Tomato sandy. You add the ranch early so the bread sogs up good. What else? Oh yeah, pickle. Oh (expletive)! My pickle! I wanted that (expletive) pickle! Ack! Yeah, I also got screwed out of Chili-Cheese Fritos. Best salty treat ... ever. Hunk of homemade punkin' pie. I'm not takin' hostages over that one because I gave this girl I know some of the pie in my super antique (mfg. 1954!) Tupperware pie tupper-thingy. I'm glad it's out on loan and not at the bottom of the (expletive) dust bin. It was my mom's. Crap. Tum-tum's a'growlin' and my former lunch is eight feet under. Or six. Six feet. Right. Six feet under. I have a problem with them things sometimes. Six feet under; Davey Smith's Locker, or Jones or whatever; "Give you an inch, You take a yard"; and the shave-your-dog's-ass-'cause-you're-so-dang-ugly joke. I screw those up all the time. I'm hungry now and it ain't even luncheon. Pitched lunch. Unlucky me. Let's drink here tonight fer chrissakes:
Broken Record (by request - a little detour to the Excelsior)
**CASH ONLY**
How about that goddamn election? "Gigantic step backward!" And I hear we ain't gonna get squished now: "INTERNET LINK" Might have been better? Nobody new to list. Nobody booted.
TONIGHT'S CONTEST: Voter-fraud contest (Bonus points if you're from Florida.)
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Sorry. The TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT Generator is offline. We hoped to have it back up by now, but no. Let's see ... go ahead and reenact last week's meeting. Kinda lame, sure, but without the TDRGen I'm at a loss. Next week for sure. (No Refunds. Don't even ask.)
TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBER: Teensy. The TNSC Attendance Probability Engine (still online) calculated a very low chance of Teensy showing up tonight. That data fed into the TNSC-TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBER Calculator (also still online) coughed up Teensy's name. Tag, Teensy, you're it.
I've seen three squished rats on the street lately. Just tail, claws and grease stain. Anybody out there slowing down for them poor, little, ugly suckers?
Repeat this throughout the day: I will go to the TNSC meeting tonight. I will bring my pals. I will see you there. bye-ee!
Thursday, November 02, 2017
Icy London (REDUX)
11.1.2017 (first posted this week 2003)
I recently redefined my "Leave of Absence" to a cooler, sexier term: "Special Assignment."
You know, a pal asks how work is going and you say, "I'm on Leave of Absence," and yr pal thinks yr a dork, but not if you say, "I'm on 'Special Assignment.'" They'll start thinking about the cool, sexy adventures you'll be having on "Special Assignment:" Jetting off to exotic cities, deep-sea fishing, smearin' cocoa butter on some hottie's shoulders and whatnot. In reality, though, "Special Assignment" has afforded me time to fill my apartment with smoke from my fireplace, pick up cat poop and buy foods that rot in my fridge. Yeh, baby ... SEXY!
Tonight - Thieves Tavern
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I recently redefined my "Leave of Absence" to a cooler, sexier term: "Special Assignment."
You know, a pal asks how work is going and you say, "I'm on Leave of Absence," and yr pal thinks yr a dork, but not if you say, "I'm on 'Special Assignment.'" They'll start thinking about the cool, sexy adventures you'll be having on "Special Assignment:" Jetting off to exotic cities, deep-sea fishing, smearin' cocoa butter on some hottie's shoulders and whatnot. In reality, though, "Special Assignment" has afforded me time to fill my apartment with smoke from my fireplace, pick up cat poop and buy foods that rot in my fridge. Yeh, baby ... SEXY!
Tonight - Thieves Tavern
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Odyssey (REDUX)
10.4.2017 (first posted this week 2001 - post meltdown)
I am writing this message under adverse conditions: There is a twelve pound cat sitting on my keyboard. Now he is sitting on one hand. He is moving again. Rubbing his head on the desk, my hand, the keyboard, my other hand, back to the first hand, now he is just leaving his head in the middle of my hands. I suppose I'm not paying him enough attention, because he is looking up into my eyes - pitifully - as if he is on the verge of speaking English. He would probably say, "How 'bout some pets, baby." I'm sure he'd call me "baby." I'm certain of few things these days, but one thing I'm certain of is that he'd call me baby.
Don't start thinking that I don't give this cat enough pets. This sucker has been the boss for 11 and a half years now. We as humans might think we "have cats," or "own a cat," but I'm beginning to think we factor only slightly into the equation. We feed them and clean up after them (a lot) and keep them from running out the front door and that's about it. Oh yeah ... we do bring 'em the pets, too. It seems that we could hire a staff of sixteen to come over and pet the little sucker all day, what with his insatiable appetite.
I was gearin' up to launch into a rant about space exploration, or the war, or the beautiful sunny days but that fuzzball had other ideas about what I was gonna be writing about.
Tonight - The Homestead (whew... got through another month)
News: Who's got a job? Who's pounding the pavement? Who's hiring? Oh and I need volunteers to be Pinch Linkey-Loo Coordinators. Moss? Tama? Oh yeah: Two shoppping months till Xmas.
Last Week’s Contest results: The VA's title, "Turkey," rhymes with "No Workey," and y'all know what that means. Honorable mention to Founding Member John Metsker, who dug up a cat-devoted website featuring a cat named Mog who likes the turkey.
TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBERS: All of last weeks' attendees.
PORN TITLE OF THE WEEK: (Still more Halloween fun) Intercourse with the Vampire.
Bring your comrades and religious icons. I know I will. See you there!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I am writing this message under adverse conditions: There is a twelve pound cat sitting on my keyboard. Now he is sitting on one hand. He is moving again. Rubbing his head on the desk, my hand, the keyboard, my other hand, back to the first hand, now he is just leaving his head in the middle of my hands. I suppose I'm not paying him enough attention, because he is looking up into my eyes - pitifully - as if he is on the verge of speaking English. He would probably say, "How 'bout some pets, baby." I'm sure he'd call me "baby." I'm certain of few things these days, but one thing I'm certain of is that he'd call me baby.
Don't start thinking that I don't give this cat enough pets. This sucker has been the boss for 11 and a half years now. We as humans might think we "have cats," or "own a cat," but I'm beginning to think we factor only slightly into the equation. We feed them and clean up after them (a lot) and keep them from running out the front door and that's about it. Oh yeah ... we do bring 'em the pets, too. It seems that we could hire a staff of sixteen to come over and pet the little sucker all day, what with his insatiable appetite.
I was gearin' up to launch into a rant about space exploration, or the war, or the beautiful sunny days but that fuzzball had other ideas about what I was gonna be writing about.
Tonight - The Homestead (whew... got through another month)
News: Who's got a job? Who's pounding the pavement? Who's hiring? Oh and I need volunteers to be Pinch Linkey-Loo Coordinators. Moss? Tama? Oh yeah: Two shoppping months till Xmas.
Last Week’s Contest results: The VA's title, "Turkey," rhymes with "No Workey," and y'all know what that means. Honorable mention to Founding Member John Metsker, who dug up a cat-devoted website featuring a cat named Mog who likes the turkey.
TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBERS: All of last weeks' attendees.
PORN TITLE OF THE WEEK: (Still more Halloween fun) Intercourse with the Vampire.
Bring your comrades and religious icons. I know I will. See you there!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, October 19, 2017
The Ring of Doom (REDUX)
10.3.2017 (first published this week 2004)
On the old airliner I can often be found pawing through the airline's free magazine. SWA's "Spirit," AA's "The American Way," or Delta's very cleverly named, "Sky" often give you seven to twelve minutes of mind-numbing reading. Really great stuff. I love checking on the ongoing war btwn the American Cattlemen's Association and the Beef Ranchers of America in their ads for the "Greatest Steak Joints in America." The ACA will swear that Jeb's B&G in Amarillo has the best T-Bone while the BRA attests, no, Phil's Chop City in Chicago wears the crown. It's funny. Check it.
Sky Mall is a riot, too. You need a fake rock to cover that unsightly DPW water meter in yr front lawn? Sky Mall's got it, and in two-three shapes and sizes, too! Anything you want: Booze, meat, fruit, plastic bag clips, a mini-submarine, an ice rink, a replica compass as featured in "Titanic," key warmers, electric umbrellas, U-make/U-eat Advent Calendars ... Sky Mall lacks nothing. I like leafing through and counting the kitties and puppies. And references to god. If there are more references to god than there are puppies and kitties I throw the thing down in disgust. The one thing Sky Mall lacks, though, are ads.
Anyone ever hear of "Zocor?" Breezed past an ad for it in "Spirit" without reading about it, but the name has stuck with me. I think it's some sorta drug ... mebbe for yr toenail fungus or yr itchy burney ass or mebbe it puts the fire back in yr firewood. To ME, "Zocor" sounds like the name of the ancient monster god from Beyond Space, who has come back to destroy the world! OK, lemme check and see ... ummmmmm ... nope. Zocor is a drug for yr shitty cholesterol levels. It's not the name of the evil demonic world-plunderer, back again after millennia, here to stomp cities and suck dry the oceans.
Tonight - Hemlock Tavern (by request)
Note: Punk Rock benefit show for North Bay Fire Relief Portion of bar proceeds are added to the fund, so drink up for a good cause. Donations also kindly accepted. Info here.
No, sir, I am a real horse!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
On the old airliner I can often be found pawing through the airline's free magazine. SWA's "Spirit," AA's "The American Way," or Delta's very cleverly named, "Sky" often give you seven to twelve minutes of mind-numbing reading. Really great stuff. I love checking on the ongoing war btwn the American Cattlemen's Association and the Beef Ranchers of America in their ads for the "Greatest Steak Joints in America." The ACA will swear that Jeb's B&G in Amarillo has the best T-Bone while the BRA attests, no, Phil's Chop City in Chicago wears the crown. It's funny. Check it.
Sky Mall is a riot, too. You need a fake rock to cover that unsightly DPW water meter in yr front lawn? Sky Mall's got it, and in two-three shapes and sizes, too! Anything you want: Booze, meat, fruit, plastic bag clips, a mini-submarine, an ice rink, a replica compass as featured in "Titanic," key warmers, electric umbrellas, U-make/U-eat Advent Calendars ... Sky Mall lacks nothing. I like leafing through and counting the kitties and puppies. And references to god. If there are more references to god than there are puppies and kitties I throw the thing down in disgust. The one thing Sky Mall lacks, though, are ads.
Anyone ever hear of "Zocor?" Breezed past an ad for it in "Spirit" without reading about it, but the name has stuck with me. I think it's some sorta drug ... mebbe for yr toenail fungus or yr itchy burney ass or mebbe it puts the fire back in yr firewood. To ME, "Zocor" sounds like the name of the ancient monster god from Beyond Space, who has come back to destroy the world! OK, lemme check and see ... ummmmmm ... nope. Zocor is a drug for yr shitty cholesterol levels. It's not the name of the evil demonic world-plunderer, back again after millennia, here to stomp cities and suck dry the oceans.
Tonight - Hemlock Tavern (by request)
Note: Punk Rock benefit show for North Bay Fire Relief Portion of bar proceeds are added to the fund, so drink up for a good cause. Donations also kindly accepted. Info here.
No, sir, I am a real horse!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Patience (REDUX)
10.2.2017 (first posted this week 2000)
The building I work in has this huge lobby that's normally packed with some of the crappiest sculpture I've ever seen. One time there was this itty bitty "house" that was full of rotten eggs hanging from the ceiling on fishing line. That thing smelled kinda bad. There were these ET-lookin' humanoid figures: short, fat, bald, big heads. Pink. Green. Stupid. Ugly. I wonder if anyone will ever look at them and say, "That's just what my collection needs! Here's a million bucks!" I doubt it. I get a sense of relief when I walk through the lobby in the morning and the night before the "artists" had come and gathered up their "art." The floor's all polished, lookin' nice, devoid of fuzzy orange church bells or ten tricycles welded together in a heap or various barnyard animal's heads epoxyed to plastic babydolls. Don't get me wrong, folks can go ahead and make bad art for all I care, I'm just sorta growin' weary of seeing it down there all the time. Some day I hope to see some nice stuff: paintings of pretty yellow flowers, antique jukeboxes, maybe a hotdog stand. How 'bout some dude's Vespa collection? I sorta appreciate some peoples' cornball hobbies. 'Cause I haven't gotten any better suggestions, tonight's meeting is gonna be here:
540 Club (inner Richmond - by request)
I got an email from my ISP and it said that "sirius.com" would be down for maintenance today. Great. Why not Sunday midnight? Naw, Thursday all day.
Believe it or not, ain't no one new to the list. That's the first time in a long time. No, wait, there's a late addition: Emmy. First one to buy Emmy a drink wins a prize. Still nobody chucked off the list. I hope you feel guilty if you're one of the ones not attending. (Clint said he'd come tonight.)
TONIGHT'S CONTEST: (Recess theme) Jacks, hopscotch, four-square, pig pog.
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: The Native American occupation of Alcatraz. On 20 November 1969, members of the American Indian Movement began their 19-month occupation of the former maximum security prison. This event served as a springboard for the rise of Indian activism in the 1970's. The underlying goal of the Indians on Alcatraz Island was to awaken the American public to the plight of the first Americans, to the suffering caused by the Federal Government's broken treaties and broken promises, and to the need for Indian self-determination. Players tonight: The Western CGI department play the Indians, with Guy Hudson as Alcatraz Island; John Henkel as the Bay Area; Traci as the Federal Government; Sally Carter as the inept prison guard "Bunny"; and Matt as a can of spray paint.
My cat Junior was very upset this morning. I don't know why. Anyone else have trouble with kitty cats this AM?
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
The building I work in has this huge lobby that's normally packed with some of the crappiest sculpture I've ever seen. One time there was this itty bitty "house" that was full of rotten eggs hanging from the ceiling on fishing line. That thing smelled kinda bad. There were these ET-lookin' humanoid figures: short, fat, bald, big heads. Pink. Green. Stupid. Ugly. I wonder if anyone will ever look at them and say, "That's just what my collection needs! Here's a million bucks!" I doubt it. I get a sense of relief when I walk through the lobby in the morning and the night before the "artists" had come and gathered up their "art." The floor's all polished, lookin' nice, devoid of fuzzy orange church bells or ten tricycles welded together in a heap or various barnyard animal's heads epoxyed to plastic babydolls. Don't get me wrong, folks can go ahead and make bad art for all I care, I'm just sorta growin' weary of seeing it down there all the time. Some day I hope to see some nice stuff: paintings of pretty yellow flowers, antique jukeboxes, maybe a hotdog stand. How 'bout some dude's Vespa collection? I sorta appreciate some peoples' cornball hobbies. 'Cause I haven't gotten any better suggestions, tonight's meeting is gonna be here:
540 Club (inner Richmond - by request)
I got an email from my ISP and it said that "sirius.com" would be down for maintenance today. Great. Why not Sunday midnight? Naw, Thursday all day.
Believe it or not, ain't no one new to the list. That's the first time in a long time. No, wait, there's a late addition: Emmy. First one to buy Emmy a drink wins a prize. Still nobody chucked off the list. I hope you feel guilty if you're one of the ones not attending. (Clint said he'd come tonight.)
TONIGHT'S CONTEST: (Recess theme) Jacks, hopscotch, four-square, pig pog.
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: The Native American occupation of Alcatraz. On 20 November 1969, members of the American Indian Movement began their 19-month occupation of the former maximum security prison. This event served as a springboard for the rise of Indian activism in the 1970's. The underlying goal of the Indians on Alcatraz Island was to awaken the American public to the plight of the first Americans, to the suffering caused by the Federal Government's broken treaties and broken promises, and to the need for Indian self-determination. Players tonight: The Western CGI department play the Indians, with Guy Hudson as Alcatraz Island; John Henkel as the Bay Area; Traci as the Federal Government; Sally Carter as the inept prison guard "Bunny"; and Matt as a can of spray paint.
My cat Junior was very upset this morning. I don't know why. Anyone else have trouble with kitty cats this AM?
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, October 05, 2017
Pretty Kitty (REDUX)
9.1.2017 (first published this week 2008)
So am I supposed to be logged into Facebook like I'm logged into my email? Sit there and watch it and shit? This is not clear to me but some of the things I'm picking up about the FB suggest that many folks sit there and watch it. The goddang thing changes right before one's eyes with invites to "do the wave," or that Phil wrote on my wall or Betty's currently "bloaty." I'm resisting being a slave to my email and have been shutting it all the way off recently and turning it on only at specific times during the day. Now I don't jump when that "mail's in" klaxon sounds.
Now what about Twitter? Do I want or need that? Gawker? This blog is updated only once a week and while it contains a rant, most of you skip that and go right to the venue anyway, don't ya? Ain't you supposed to be devouring blog posts like so many Triscuits™? I think that's what we're supposed to be doing but I'm not sure: I live on the West Side.
Tonight - Hi-Dive.
It's "Fleet Week!" Buy a sailor a drink!!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
So am I supposed to be logged into Facebook like I'm logged into my email? Sit there and watch it and shit? This is not clear to me but some of the things I'm picking up about the FB suggest that many folks sit there and watch it. The goddang thing changes right before one's eyes with invites to "do the wave," or that Phil wrote on my wall or Betty's currently "bloaty." I'm resisting being a slave to my email and have been shutting it all the way off recently and turning it on only at specific times during the day. Now I don't jump when that "mail's in" klaxon sounds.
Now what about Twitter? Do I want or need that? Gawker? This blog is updated only once a week and while it contains a rant, most of you skip that and go right to the venue anyway, don't ya? Ain't you supposed to be devouring blog posts like so many Triscuits™? I think that's what we're supposed to be doing but I'm not sure: I live on the West Side.
Tonight - Hi-Dive.
It's "Fleet Week!" Buy a sailor a drink!!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, September 28, 2017
The Slider (REDUX)
9.4.2017 (first posted this week 2006)
Ya hear of the phenomenon of The Phantom Limb? Wikipedia succinctly defines it as "the sensation that an amputated or missing limb is still attached to the body." Sensations experienced include warmth, cold, itching, pain or burning. It's really quite interesting and research into it suggests that even those born without limbs still experience the sensations in the null-limb even though they have never had "real" experience. Wow. That's fuct up!
I've read up on (Googled) the condition because I've got a little phantom "limb" thing going on: I'm like every other voter in America who puts his or her sunglasses up on top of his or her head when ducking in the booth to waste his or her vote. I also chuck 'em up there when at the magazine store, the Peet's™ coffee queue, the cinema, the gas station pay kiosk, the ATM, the shooting range, the doctor's office, the Sonic Youth show at the Wiltern, the Cuban restaurant, the architecture tour ticket office, the TSA security check-in and so on and so on. My sunnys are on top of my head so often that I feel them there even when they're not.
That really screws me up when, for example, I think I hear the ice-cream man down the street to the right and whip my head around to look and -oh crap!- my glasses go flying. This has happened a lot: I'm often whipping my head around to see if the freelance (gypsy) fruit and veg van really is pulling down my block or if the critical care van (ambulance) is headed my way or if the Kool-Aid™ dude (Punchy™) is fixin' to crash through my wall. I've head-whipped many pairs of sunglasses to their doom. Now I'm afraid to do it. Now I feel them suckers up there morning, noon and night. In- and outdoors. I must see a professional (shrink) about this phantom sunglasses sensation soon.
Tonight - The Homestead.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Ya hear of the phenomenon of The Phantom Limb? Wikipedia succinctly defines it as "the sensation that an amputated or missing limb is still attached to the body." Sensations experienced include warmth, cold, itching, pain or burning. It's really quite interesting and research into it suggests that even those born without limbs still experience the sensations in the null-limb even though they have never had "real" experience. Wow. That's fuct up!
I've read up on (Googled) the condition because I've got a little phantom "limb" thing going on: I'm like every other voter in America who puts his or her sunglasses up on top of his or her head when ducking in the booth to waste his or her vote. I also chuck 'em up there when at the magazine store, the Peet's™ coffee queue, the cinema, the gas station pay kiosk, the ATM, the shooting range, the doctor's office, the Sonic Youth show at the Wiltern, the Cuban restaurant, the architecture tour ticket office, the TSA security check-in and so on and so on. My sunnys are on top of my head so often that I feel them there even when they're not.
That really screws me up when, for example, I think I hear the ice-cream man down the street to the right and whip my head around to look and -oh crap!- my glasses go flying. This has happened a lot: I'm often whipping my head around to see if the freelance (gypsy) fruit and veg van really is pulling down my block or if the critical care van (ambulance) is headed my way or if the Kool-Aid™ dude (Punchy™) is fixin' to crash through my wall. I've head-whipped many pairs of sunglasses to their doom. Now I'm afraid to do it. Now I feel them suckers up there morning, noon and night. In- and outdoors. I must see a professional (shrink) about this phantom sunglasses sensation soon.
Tonight - The Homestead.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Sweep the Leg
9.3.2017
"Your driver-side brake light is out."
If someone pulled along side you and said that in such a way that you heard it, would you know what it meant - assuming you understood spoken English?
For reasons I do not fully understand, I often inform drivers that their tail lights are out when I see them out and can catch the driver. (Since I'm almost always on my bike when I see blown out tail lights, I can't always catch the cars to inform the drivers.)
My ride to work takes me through residential neighborhoods that feature intersections with stop signs that sometimes drivers observe and comply with. When I pull alongside a car and motioning for them to roll the window down, most have an, "uh oh, what'd I do to the bike guy?" -look on his or her face. I see it every time and counter with a big, "you didn't do anything wrong" -smile.
When I tell them their brake light is out, they all thank me and rarely knew about it being out. I think of this as a public service and a small way to help drivers not hate all bike riders.
A few weeks ago I spotted a blue Honda with a blown passenger-side brake light. I happened to catch up to him because he pulled over to park or whatever. I came along side, motioned for him to roll his window down - he gave me the look - and he very sheepishly rolled down his window - a lot more sheepishly than most.
I smiled at him and told him his passenger-side brake light was out.
He looked blankly at me.
I repeated myself.
He said, "what?"
I repeated myself again.
He said, "what does that mean?"
I said, "your car brake lights. The red ones in the back. They go on when you hit the brake pedal, right?"
He looked at me, doe-eyed. He said, "what?"
I said, "it was on the driver's test. Tell ya what. Your brake light is out. The cops give tickets for having brake lights that are out. Take that for what you will." I added, "Later!" and I left, shaking my head.
In "The Karate Kid" (1984, Columbia Pictures), the wise Okinawsn karate teacher gives his young karate student a car and says, "Remember, Danial-san, driver license does not replace eye, ear and brain." Does any driver today realize that?
Tonight - Doc's Clock (new locatio 1 block away)
**still CASH ONLY**
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
"Your driver-side brake light is out."
If someone pulled along side you and said that in such a way that you heard it, would you know what it meant - assuming you understood spoken English?
For reasons I do not fully understand, I often inform drivers that their tail lights are out when I see them out and can catch the driver. (Since I'm almost always on my bike when I see blown out tail lights, I can't always catch the cars to inform the drivers.)
My ride to work takes me through residential neighborhoods that feature intersections with stop signs that sometimes drivers observe and comply with. When I pull alongside a car and motioning for them to roll the window down, most have an, "uh oh, what'd I do to the bike guy?" -look on his or her face. I see it every time and counter with a big, "you didn't do anything wrong" -smile.
When I tell them their brake light is out, they all thank me and rarely knew about it being out. I think of this as a public service and a small way to help drivers not hate all bike riders.
A few weeks ago I spotted a blue Honda with a blown passenger-side brake light. I happened to catch up to him because he pulled over to park or whatever. I came along side, motioned for him to roll his window down - he gave me the look - and he very sheepishly rolled down his window - a lot more sheepishly than most.
I smiled at him and told him his passenger-side brake light was out.
He looked blankly at me.
I repeated myself.
He said, "what?"
I repeated myself again.
He said, "what does that mean?"
I said, "your car brake lights. The red ones in the back. They go on when you hit the brake pedal, right?"
He looked at me, doe-eyed. He said, "what?"
I said, "it was on the driver's test. Tell ya what. Your brake light is out. The cops give tickets for having brake lights that are out. Take that for what you will." I added, "Later!" and I left, shaking my head.
In "The Karate Kid" (1984, Columbia Pictures), the wise Okinawsn karate teacher gives his young karate student a car and says, "Remember, Danial-san, driver license does not replace eye, ear and brain." Does any driver today realize that?
Tonight - Doc's Clock (new locatio 1 block away)
**still CASH ONLY**
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Now it is 1985...
9.2.2017
I’m a big fan of Dead Kennedys so when the goddamn nazis in ‘Merica reared-up recently I immediately thought of the DK song, “Nazi Punks Fuck Off.” Jello even joined the band Dead Cross onstage to render a new version of it for a live crowd: “Nazi Trumps Fuck Off.” It sure is sad how that decades-old song is as true as ever.
And remember the large swath of ‘Mericans that got ‘ol 46 elected in the first place? The disenfranchised working class ring a bell? Yep, they feel betrayed because the times a-changed and they didn’t keep up. But was it their fault? Was it the factory owners and shareholders who were at fault? Who cares? However, Jello and them wrote about that very phenomenon in their song, “Soup Is Good Food” from the album “Frankenchrist.” The song begins with these lyrics:
We're sorry
But you're no longer needed
Or wanted
Or even cared about here
Machines can do a better job than you
This is what you get for asking questions
The unions agree
'Sacrifices must be made'
Computers never go on strike
To save the working man you've got to put him out to pasture
Looks like we'll have to let you go
Doesn't it feel fulfilling to know
That you-the human being-are now obsolete
And there's nothing in hell we'll let you do about it
How spot-on is that? More sad than the truth of the lyrics is that most of those in that situation probably doesn’t listen to Dead Kennedys.
Tonight - Sutter Station Tavern (aka "Sutter Gutter")
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I’m a big fan of Dead Kennedys so when the goddamn nazis in ‘Merica reared-up recently I immediately thought of the DK song, “Nazi Punks Fuck Off.” Jello even joined the band Dead Cross onstage to render a new version of it for a live crowd: “Nazi Trumps Fuck Off.” It sure is sad how that decades-old song is as true as ever.
And remember the large swath of ‘Mericans that got ‘ol 46 elected in the first place? The disenfranchised working class ring a bell? Yep, they feel betrayed because the times a-changed and they didn’t keep up. But was it their fault? Was it the factory owners and shareholders who were at fault? Who cares? However, Jello and them wrote about that very phenomenon in their song, “Soup Is Good Food” from the album “Frankenchrist.” The song begins with these lyrics:
We're sorry
But you're no longer needed
Or wanted
Or even cared about here
Machines can do a better job than you
This is what you get for asking questions
The unions agree
'Sacrifices must be made'
Computers never go on strike
To save the working man you've got to put him out to pasture
Looks like we'll have to let you go
Doesn't it feel fulfilling to know
That you-the human being-are now obsolete
And there's nothing in hell we'll let you do about it
How spot-on is that? More sad than the truth of the lyrics is that most of those in that situation probably doesn’t listen to Dead Kennedys.
Tonight - Sutter Station Tavern (aka "Sutter Gutter")
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, September 07, 2017
Payback
9.1.2017
You know what I hate about weeks w/ federal holidays?
When you get in the next day you have to cram 6 days worth of work into 4 days.
If you feel like me, go here:
Tonight - Latin American Club
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
You know what I hate about weeks w/ federal holidays?
When you get in the next day you have to cram 6 days worth of work into 4 days.
If you feel like me, go here:
Tonight - Latin American Club
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Draft Dodger
8.5.2017
Apparently there was supposed to be a witty, funny, poignant, angry, defiant, irreverent observational draft, but when I came here to add a venue to it, it didn't exist.
But, hey, it's the 5th Thursday of the month!!
Tonight - The Homestead
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Apparently there was supposed to be a witty, funny, poignant, angry, defiant, irreverent observational draft, but when I came here to add a venue to it, it didn't exist.
But, hey, it's the 5th Thursday of the month!!
Tonight - The Homestead
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Get Over It (REDUX)
8.4.2017 (first posted this week 2006)
Hi all ...
Just got back from Iraq and I'm feeling much better - I didn't use that foot much anyway ... I've got automatic transmission on my Bentley. And the six months in Switzerland, Swaziland, Togo, Truk Islands, Antarctica, New Zealand, Greenland, Normandy, sub-Orbit (Thanks again, Mr. Branson) and SeaLab did me and my ladies a lot of good.
What with the court settlement and my recent lottery wins in California and Arkansas, I've been able to fund the rebuilding of my homes in New Orleans and get the fire damage fixed on my ranch. It will be great to spend some time there -- the Manhattan and Paris penthouses are getting kinda tired.
I'm almost done in astronaut training and expect to be cleared for this Sunday's launch of Atlantis. It'll be fun to be back on the Cape.
Life is great and getting better. I hope to see you soon and if yr near any of the points along my upcoming cross-country blimp trip route, paint something on the ground so I can see it from 1000ft.
The monkeys and cats and chinchillas are all fine. Thanks for asking.
Peace.
-jhj
USA, EU and the nice parts of Africa.
Tonight - Orbit Room
(cuz of the eclipse, and stuff.)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Hi all ...
Just got back from Iraq and I'm feeling much better - I didn't use that foot much anyway ... I've got automatic transmission on my Bentley. And the six months in Switzerland, Swaziland, Togo, Truk Islands, Antarctica, New Zealand, Greenland, Normandy, sub-Orbit (Thanks again, Mr. Branson) and SeaLab did me and my ladies a lot of good.
What with the court settlement and my recent lottery wins in California and Arkansas, I've been able to fund the rebuilding of my homes in New Orleans and get the fire damage fixed on my ranch. It will be great to spend some time there -- the Manhattan and Paris penthouses are getting kinda tired.
I'm almost done in astronaut training and expect to be cleared for this Sunday's launch of Atlantis. It'll be fun to be back on the Cape.
Life is great and getting better. I hope to see you soon and if yr near any of the points along my upcoming cross-country blimp trip route, paint something on the ground so I can see it from 1000ft.
The monkeys and cats and chinchillas are all fine. Thanks for asking.
Peace.
-jhj
USA, EU and the nice parts of Africa.
Tonight - Orbit Room
(cuz of the eclipse, and stuff.)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Fun With Conjunctivitis !!
8.3.2017
Actually, there's NOTHING fun about conjunctivitis.
But there is something fun about hanging out w/ your pals on a Thursday night!!
Tonight - Blooms Saloon (by request) **CASH ONLY**
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Actually, there's NOTHING fun about conjunctivitis.
But there is something fun about hanging out w/ your pals on a Thursday night!!
Tonight - Blooms Saloon (by request) **CASH ONLY**
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, August 10, 2017
STS-105 (REDUX)
8.2.2017 (first posted this week 2001)
When Page and Plant left the restaurant I was sure they would be playing the TNSC secret show the following night in San Francisco. They were the ones doing the convincing; Robert owed me a big favor. A few years back – while I was still living in Chicago – I bumped into him at the Addison L station. He was rummaging through his pockets and looking thoroughly disgusted. It was hard to miss him, what at over six-five … and that hair! Well he was patting down his pockets and spitting out some great English swear words (I’m a sucker for English slang -- ask anyone). As he was standing right next to the turnstile I knew immediately that he couldn’t find his token. “Hey Robert,” I said, “you lose your token?” He looked at me and rolled his eyes. “Oh, hey Josh. Yeh. I can’t find the foking thing anywhere. I had a whole bleeding army of them earlier.” I had just bought a new roll, so I peeled off two and handed him one. “Oh no, mate, I’ll just call me driver,” he said. “Oh jeebus, Robert. It’s the least I can do, what with Custard Pie and Ramble On.” “Thanks, mate. I won’t forget this.” We shook hands. “My pleasure, Robert Plant . This gets you back for When the Levee Breaks.” “Okey, then,” he chuckled.
So when he called me last Wednesday and said he was sending a car over I didn’t think that the car would be taking me to the airport! I had a few pops at the Admiral’s Club then jetted to JFK. He met me at the gate the next morning. “Sorry about the red-eye, old man.” Nothing to it, I told him. “Look, I brought you here to talk about making good on that favour I owe you. A friend of mine has agreed to help.” “You just said ‘favor’ with a ‘U’ in it, didn’t you,” I kidded. “You’re a bloody comedian, you are. Come on.” We drove into Manhattan and wheeled up to a curb in front of a familiar-looking deli. I asked him: “Doesn’t Marty Scorsese get Reubens here?” “In twenty-five seconds you’re going to know why he does,” He said. He was right.
As if cued by me finishing my pickle, Robert says, “Ah. Here’s my friend.” Jimmy Page hisownself walks in. “Hi Jimmy,” I said. “Hello Josh, it’s been a while,” he said, referring to the time I bailed him out of a tragic lost bus pass on Sunset in LA. “God, what was that? ’89?” I said. We laughed.
I said, “So what’s up?” Robert said, “That nice turn you did for me deserves a little payback. I’m chatting with Jimmy last week and your name comes up and he says he owes you a favour – excuse me – a “favor” too. He then cooks up an idea to play a show for you there in San Francisco, as we’re going into studio to record there next week. I thought it was a smashing idea so we brought you here to chat about it. What do you think?” I thought it was swell. “What do you need me to do, fellas? I’m in. I know a mess of lovely people that would get a kick out of you guys playing a show.” “That’s great. Really. That’s wonderful,” Jimmy says. “I’ve been trying to think of something for years. You can help us set it up, though.” “Oh, of course! What do you need?” I said. “Just find a small venue that has a P.A. We’ll do the rest.” “I’m on it,” I said. “Give me a call tomorrow.” “Cheers,” they said, and left.
Only a few calls from the seatback phone on the way back to ‘Frisco locked in the stage at Make Out Room. The bartender there is a doll and she agreed right away. I didn’t say it was going to be two rock Gods playing live, but the promise of a great act was all she needed. “The Mothertruckers stank the place up last night,” she said, “the place needs some good juju.” I then phoned Robert with the good news and hung up and began trying to get a little shut-eye, getting comfy with a half-moon-shaped neck-pillow thing. Just as I was nodding off, a flight attendant touched my shoulder and said there was a call coming in for me and asked me to pick up the seatback phone. It was my best friend Phil! Here’s what he said:
“Yeah, I've got a venue announcement for you: Thursday, 5:38pm Pad 39A Kennedy Space Center. I know it's short notice, but take off Thursday and Friday. We'll watch Discovery launch, throw down a few at the beach, light some fireworks, and watch some baseball with your Dad over the weekend. I’ll plan your itinerary.”
This being a once-in-a-lifetime chance, I said: “I’ll be ready to leave tonight. Let me know the airline and flight number.” He said, “Roger. I’ll call you back.” He talks funny like that.
When I called Robert back to tell him I got a better offer, Jimmy answered his phone. I told him what was up. “Oh wow, mate, that’s fantastic. I don’t blame you. Get down there and see it. I’ll tell Robert. He’ll understand too. We’ll ring you some other time. Cheers!” he said and hung up.
So there you have it. I almost got you lovely list members a secret show last week. I guess we’ll have to wail till next time.
For now: Lucky 13 (before it disappears)
News: Lessee … Gary is new to the list. I’m probably forgetting someone … Oh yeh! Freshy and Bobo provide new addresses. Great!
The venues for the next two Thursdays (8.4 and 8.5) will be the same venues that were featured 8.4 and 8.5 Y2K. See the archive for specifics. Reason being: Excellent things happened at those places.
Last Week’s Contest Results: Well it wasn't quite last week but the winner of the last contest was Mary Haring. She correctly found the reference: "Zingaro" is the Italian word for deadbeat. Yey Mary. She will enjoy a prize.
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Last weeks secret show! Cake plays Cake. Whoever went plays the audience.
TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBER: Amy Shuba. It takes me singling her out these days to get her to meetings.
PORN TITLE OF THE WEEK: Beaver & Buttcheeks
Do you like booze? I know I do. Lucky 13 has booze. C'mon out. Bring your friends. I know I will. See you there! bye-ee!
When Page and Plant left the restaurant I was sure they would be playing the TNSC secret show the following night in San Francisco. They were the ones doing the convincing; Robert owed me a big favor. A few years back – while I was still living in Chicago – I bumped into him at the Addison L station. He was rummaging through his pockets and looking thoroughly disgusted. It was hard to miss him, what at over six-five … and that hair! Well he was patting down his pockets and spitting out some great English swear words (I’m a sucker for English slang -- ask anyone). As he was standing right next to the turnstile I knew immediately that he couldn’t find his token. “Hey Robert,” I said, “you lose your token?” He looked at me and rolled his eyes. “Oh, hey Josh. Yeh. I can’t find the foking thing anywhere. I had a whole bleeding army of them earlier.” I had just bought a new roll, so I peeled off two and handed him one. “Oh no, mate, I’ll just call me driver,” he said. “Oh jeebus, Robert. It’s the least I can do, what with Custard Pie and Ramble On.” “Thanks, mate. I won’t forget this.” We shook hands. “My pleasure, Robert Plant . This gets you back for When the Levee Breaks.” “Okey, then,” he chuckled.
So when he called me last Wednesday and said he was sending a car over I didn’t think that the car would be taking me to the airport! I had a few pops at the Admiral’s Club then jetted to JFK. He met me at the gate the next morning. “Sorry about the red-eye, old man.” Nothing to it, I told him. “Look, I brought you here to talk about making good on that favour I owe you. A friend of mine has agreed to help.” “You just said ‘favor’ with a ‘U’ in it, didn’t you,” I kidded. “You’re a bloody comedian, you are. Come on.” We drove into Manhattan and wheeled up to a curb in front of a familiar-looking deli. I asked him: “Doesn’t Marty Scorsese get Reubens here?” “In twenty-five seconds you’re going to know why he does,” He said. He was right.
As if cued by me finishing my pickle, Robert says, “Ah. Here’s my friend.” Jimmy Page hisownself walks in. “Hi Jimmy,” I said. “Hello Josh, it’s been a while,” he said, referring to the time I bailed him out of a tragic lost bus pass on Sunset in LA. “God, what was that? ’89?” I said. We laughed.
I said, “So what’s up?” Robert said, “That nice turn you did for me deserves a little payback. I’m chatting with Jimmy last week and your name comes up and he says he owes you a favour – excuse me – a “favor” too. He then cooks up an idea to play a show for you there in San Francisco, as we’re going into studio to record there next week. I thought it was a smashing idea so we brought you here to chat about it. What do you think?” I thought it was swell. “What do you need me to do, fellas? I’m in. I know a mess of lovely people that would get a kick out of you guys playing a show.” “That’s great. Really. That’s wonderful,” Jimmy says. “I’ve been trying to think of something for years. You can help us set it up, though.” “Oh, of course! What do you need?” I said. “Just find a small venue that has a P.A. We’ll do the rest.” “I’m on it,” I said. “Give me a call tomorrow.” “Cheers,” they said, and left.
Only a few calls from the seatback phone on the way back to ‘Frisco locked in the stage at Make Out Room. The bartender there is a doll and she agreed right away. I didn’t say it was going to be two rock Gods playing live, but the promise of a great act was all she needed. “The Mothertruckers stank the place up last night,” she said, “the place needs some good juju.” I then phoned Robert with the good news and hung up and began trying to get a little shut-eye, getting comfy with a half-moon-shaped neck-pillow thing. Just as I was nodding off, a flight attendant touched my shoulder and said there was a call coming in for me and asked me to pick up the seatback phone. It was my best friend Phil! Here’s what he said:
“Yeah, I've got a venue announcement for you: Thursday, 5:38pm Pad 39A Kennedy Space Center. I know it's short notice, but take off Thursday and Friday. We'll watch Discovery launch, throw down a few at the beach, light some fireworks, and watch some baseball with your Dad over the weekend. I’ll plan your itinerary.”
This being a once-in-a-lifetime chance, I said: “I’ll be ready to leave tonight. Let me know the airline and flight number.” He said, “Roger. I’ll call you back.” He talks funny like that.
When I called Robert back to tell him I got a better offer, Jimmy answered his phone. I told him what was up. “Oh wow, mate, that’s fantastic. I don’t blame you. Get down there and see it. I’ll tell Robert. He’ll understand too. We’ll ring you some other time. Cheers!” he said and hung up.
So there you have it. I almost got you lovely list members a secret show last week. I guess we’ll have to wail till next time.
For now: Lucky 13 (before it disappears)
News: Lessee … Gary is new to the list. I’m probably forgetting someone … Oh yeh! Freshy and Bobo provide new addresses. Great!
The venues for the next two Thursdays (8.4 and 8.5) will be the same venues that were featured 8.4 and 8.5 Y2K. See the archive for specifics. Reason being: Excellent things happened at those places.
Last Week’s Contest Results: Well it wasn't quite last week but the winner of the last contest was Mary Haring. She correctly found the reference: "Zingaro" is the Italian word for deadbeat. Yey Mary. She will enjoy a prize.
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: Last weeks secret show! Cake plays Cake. Whoever went plays the audience.
TONIGHT'S SINGLED-OUT LIST MEMBER: Amy Shuba. It takes me singling her out these days to get her to meetings.
PORN TITLE OF THE WEEK: Beaver & Buttcheeks
Do you like booze? I know I do. Lucky 13 has booze. C'mon out. Bring your friends. I know I will. See you there! bye-ee!
Thursday, August 03, 2017
Try this on, okay? (REDUX)
8.1.2017 (first published this week 2000)
Did you ever climb a tree only to find yourself unable to get down? I had a cat that we took camping and that little sucker climbed way up some Ponderosa pine. Not a whole lot of horizontal limbs on this tree. Cricket could only go up. Couldn't turn around too easily. She just kinda hung there and squawked. I felt for her. I've been in situations where the way out wasn't too clear. Trees and other things. If you would like to talk to folks that get stuck up trees, the support group's meeting coincides with this week's TNSC meeting. Here:
Tonight - Special "Two-fer" (by request)
Starting: Standard Deviant Brewing
Ending: next door at Armory Club
You don't want to miss this. The keynote speaker has been stuck up in many a tree. New additions to the list: Brian and Kristin. Some folks call Kristin by her real name, Allison. Also new is a nice fella named Rob Williams. Returning to the list is our friend Colleen (She has a great story about the DMV and a lot of alcohol. Ask her to tell you.) Michael Weiss returns too. No one was purged from the list this week. Thanks to pinch hitter Mossy for last week's riveting TNSC announcement. Several of you wrote in to complain that I didn't give Rosey any guff a couple weeks back. Rosey hisownself noticed and mentioned it the next day. He also noticed that he got skipped on the ritual Friday morning slider run. I guess I'm responsible for Rosey's breakfast sandwich intake now, in addition to making sure his route to the TNSC meeting is mapped out. I wonder if he needs me to pay his rent next month for him or make some car repairs for him or shop for his mom's B-Day present or find a recipe for empanadas for him or pick out a Christmas tree for him or clean his carpets?
TONIGHT'S CONTEST: Bishop wants a strawberry picking contest. Okay then.
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: The discovery of cesium. Mark Tellegen, in a dual role, will play both Robert Wilhelm Bunsen and the young Prussian physicist Gustav Kirchhoff, the discoverers of cesium. Heather Morra will play their spectroscope. Jeremy Johnson will play Bunsen's modifications to University of Heidelburg technician Peter Desaga's burner (Bunsen receives unfair credit for the invention of the classic piece of laboratory equipment, for he merely modified (and improved upon) an existing design). Spark Sorensen takes on the role of the burner itself. Kristin Nielson will play cesium's atomic number, 55. Amy Shuba will portray Desaga, who, in a little known bit of history, was so enraged with the license Bunsen took with his burner design, plotted with some of Heidelburg's most infamous and thoroughly discredited scientists and researchers in the biggest smear campaign against Bunsen that venerable institution, the U of Heidelburg, ever saw. (There were several smear campaigns. Desaga's was the biggest.)
TONIGHT'S SINGLED OUT LIST MEMBER: Todd Lindo is singled out tonight. People have been wondering where he's been.
Team Bjeldanes results from 23 July: Us - 28. Them - 9. We kinda ruled that one. They kinda cried about it. Three and oh. Team Bjeldanes results from 30 July: Us - 9. Them - 8. Got some lucky calls. Tough D in the last inning. Four and oh going into the bye week.
The Water-Pik has been repaired. It was under warranty so the repairs didn't cost anything. The sign-up sheet will be distributed first thing. Get there early for a good number.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Did you ever climb a tree only to find yourself unable to get down? I had a cat that we took camping and that little sucker climbed way up some Ponderosa pine. Not a whole lot of horizontal limbs on this tree. Cricket could only go up. Couldn't turn around too easily. She just kinda hung there and squawked. I felt for her. I've been in situations where the way out wasn't too clear. Trees and other things. If you would like to talk to folks that get stuck up trees, the support group's meeting coincides with this week's TNSC meeting. Here:
Tonight - Special "Two-fer" (by request)
Starting: Standard Deviant Brewing
Ending: next door at Armory Club
You don't want to miss this. The keynote speaker has been stuck up in many a tree. New additions to the list: Brian and Kristin. Some folks call Kristin by her real name, Allison. Also new is a nice fella named Rob Williams. Returning to the list is our friend Colleen (She has a great story about the DMV and a lot of alcohol. Ask her to tell you.) Michael Weiss returns too. No one was purged from the list this week. Thanks to pinch hitter Mossy for last week's riveting TNSC announcement. Several of you wrote in to complain that I didn't give Rosey any guff a couple weeks back. Rosey hisownself noticed and mentioned it the next day. He also noticed that he got skipped on the ritual Friday morning slider run. I guess I'm responsible for Rosey's breakfast sandwich intake now, in addition to making sure his route to the TNSC meeting is mapped out. I wonder if he needs me to pay his rent next month for him or make some car repairs for him or shop for his mom's B-Day present or find a recipe for empanadas for him or pick out a Christmas tree for him or clean his carpets?
TONIGHT'S CONTEST: Bishop wants a strawberry picking contest. Okay then.
TONIGHT'S DRAMATIC REENACTMENT: The discovery of cesium. Mark Tellegen, in a dual role, will play both Robert Wilhelm Bunsen and the young Prussian physicist Gustav Kirchhoff, the discoverers of cesium. Heather Morra will play their spectroscope. Jeremy Johnson will play Bunsen's modifications to University of Heidelburg technician Peter Desaga's burner (Bunsen receives unfair credit for the invention of the classic piece of laboratory equipment, for he merely modified (and improved upon) an existing design). Spark Sorensen takes on the role of the burner itself. Kristin Nielson will play cesium's atomic number, 55. Amy Shuba will portray Desaga, who, in a little known bit of history, was so enraged with the license Bunsen took with his burner design, plotted with some of Heidelburg's most infamous and thoroughly discredited scientists and researchers in the biggest smear campaign against Bunsen that venerable institution, the U of Heidelburg, ever saw. (There were several smear campaigns. Desaga's was the biggest.)
TONIGHT'S SINGLED OUT LIST MEMBER: Todd Lindo is singled out tonight. People have been wondering where he's been.
Team Bjeldanes results from 23 July: Us - 28. Them - 9. We kinda ruled that one. They kinda cried about it. Three and oh. Team Bjeldanes results from 30 July: Us - 9. Them - 8. Got some lucky calls. Tough D in the last inning. Four and oh going into the bye week.
The Water-Pik has been repaired. It was under warranty so the repairs didn't cost anything. The sign-up sheet will be distributed first thing. Get there early for a good number.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, July 27, 2017
33129 (REDUX)
7.4.2017 (first published this week 2006)
Everybody's got vices and I figure I got my share and perhaps a few others'. (I do know how to express plurals and possessives with use (or desuetude) of apostrophes, goddemmit.) I drink and swear a lot. Enough for a couple fellas for sure. I don't pick fights much or hit women much, but I blow good cash on comic books, expensive cheese and bad pr0n. Sometimes I don't bathe for days and sometimes I leave the catbox far too long unattended.
My little wife is pretty saintly in comparison. She's clean, kempt and courteous. She's not a teetotaler, mind you. She prefers "quality" over "quantity." She has got a bad problem, though, bordering on a vice: She's powerful fond of tabloids.
She doesn't go for the "World Weekly News" or the "Sun" or the "Inquirer," no, she prefers her tabloid glossy, staple-bound and high-brow. She goes for "Us" and "People."
I've had a chance to paw through one or two of these rags while, uh, "immobilized," and jesus I don't get it. Who cares what those mopes (celebrities) are up to? JLo's shopping at a gun store. Wow. Jen's back on the meth. Oh my. Tom and that slut ate their baby. Big shit. Page after page of who's who in Hollywood, rock, hiphop or whatever. Got me thinking: "Us?" "People?" If I were the publisher and I was in touch with a little thing some call REALITY, I'd notice my tabloid magazines were inappropriately named. "People" would be better named as "Rich & Famous People Candidly Photographed In Santa Monica By Our Paparazzi And Whose Activity Was Speculated Upon By Our Staff Of Writers." It's a mouthful, but it's more accurate. My wife's other fave, "Us," is really poorly named. Us? Brad Pitt, that whore and me? Us? No way. They ain't us. Renamed: "Them."
Tonight - It's the last Thursday of the month.
That means The Homestead. 19th and Folsom, SF.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Everybody's got vices and I figure I got my share and perhaps a few others'. (I do know how to express plurals and possessives with use (or desuetude) of apostrophes, goddemmit.) I drink and swear a lot. Enough for a couple fellas for sure. I don't pick fights much or hit women much, but I blow good cash on comic books, expensive cheese and bad pr0n. Sometimes I don't bathe for days and sometimes I leave the catbox far too long unattended.
My little wife is pretty saintly in comparison. She's clean, kempt and courteous. She's not a teetotaler, mind you. She prefers "quality" over "quantity." She has got a bad problem, though, bordering on a vice: She's powerful fond of tabloids.
She doesn't go for the "World Weekly News" or the "Sun" or the "Inquirer," no, she prefers her tabloid glossy, staple-bound and high-brow. She goes for "Us" and "People."
I've had a chance to paw through one or two of these rags while, uh, "immobilized," and jesus I don't get it. Who cares what those mopes (celebrities) are up to? JLo's shopping at a gun store. Wow. Jen's back on the meth. Oh my. Tom and that slut ate their baby. Big shit. Page after page of who's who in Hollywood, rock, hiphop or whatever. Got me thinking: "Us?" "People?" If I were the publisher and I was in touch with a little thing some call REALITY, I'd notice my tabloid magazines were inappropriately named. "People" would be better named as "Rich & Famous People Candidly Photographed In Santa Monica By Our Paparazzi And Whose Activity Was Speculated Upon By Our Staff Of Writers." It's a mouthful, but it's more accurate. My wife's other fave, "Us," is really poorly named. Us? Brad Pitt, that whore and me? Us? No way. They ain't us. Renamed: "Them."
Tonight - It's the last Thursday of the month.
That means The Homestead. 19th and Folsom, SF.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Trinity (REDUX)
7.3.2017 (first posted this week, 2001)
Scandal!
I got nothin' but grief from a lot of ya for leavin' you out of the loop regarding my surprise bday party. Well excuse me but I didn't know much about it during the "planning" and "invite" stages. Being in on the ground-level of one's own surprise party kinda shit-cans the surprise part of the party. That said, I'm awful sorry if you were one of the unlucky that stayed home. You missed a hell of a time.
One last story for the kiddies: The joint is called the Cal-Neva because it's on the border of California and Nevada. ON THE BORDER. They got a pool on the boundary that is striped down the middle showin' what state yer in. They got a swim-up bar in that pool and several list members delighted in sitting in one seat and ordering Everclear shots and getting turned down, only to shift over one and get their shot o' grain alcohol. Sadly, the CHP waded in before the snorkel trick Mr. Metsker was trying on the Cali side got off the ground, but an enterprising interstate Mossy's reenactment of Das Boot on the Silver State's side had everyone - aquacops and waterborne barmen included - falling over laughing. Well enough of all that. No sense in rubbing it in. Instead, I'll try to salve crisped feelings by letting you all in on what I stumbled on: Tryouts (of some sort) for slow-motion kung fu robots!
My guess is that someone's making a movie that features a platoon of robots that do slow-motion kung fu. That's about the only thing it could be. Or maybe a TV show or miniseries. Anyway, let me explain more. I was walking in to work the other day and what with the new apartment, I got a new commute. This takes me past a big church on California Street that has a park across the way. I'm walking on the park side and as I'm dodging some filthy ankle-biter dog that the oldest lady you ever saw is desperately trying to reign in I see a bunch of folks going through some very strange gestural movements. So strange, in fact, that it stopped me dead in my tracks to gape. The little yapper snaps me out of it but the wonder is still in front of me. Dozens of people - young, old, man, woman, child, black, white, brown, yellow - all going through some ritualistic slo mo judo chops and kicks and leg sweeps and sleeper holds. Stunned. That's the easiest way to describe my reaction. I was stunned. If I'd been on my bike, I'da wrecked.
I shook it off and resumed my walk, after watching a while longer. It stayed in my head all the way to work and for most of the day. I don't know for sure that it was a casting call or what. I didn't see any producer-lookin' folks. I didn't see any ubiquitous MiniDV cameras recording the best slow-motion kung fu robots to screen later, so I don't know. Mebbe it was the newest fitness mode, a la Ti Bo. Could be it was a newfangled martial art. My guess it was either tryouts for slow-motion kung fu robots or a new self-defense mode. The kind of new self-defense mode that is so unique, so original, it stupefies the would-be attacker long enough to deliver a slow-motion boot to the head. It'd probably work only once, though.
Tonight's venue is here: Iron and Gold
News: As I'm trying to figure out the mailing list errors, you may notice that a Thursday will go by and you won't receive a message from Robot. Here's the solution: Go to the frikkin' site. All the email is is a link to the site. You sorta don't need it. Just check to see if it's updated. The Venue Announcement is usually posted by 3p.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Scandal!
I got nothin' but grief from a lot of ya for leavin' you out of the loop regarding my surprise bday party. Well excuse me but I didn't know much about it during the "planning" and "invite" stages. Being in on the ground-level of one's own surprise party kinda shit-cans the surprise part of the party. That said, I'm awful sorry if you were one of the unlucky that stayed home. You missed a hell of a time.
One last story for the kiddies: The joint is called the Cal-Neva because it's on the border of California and Nevada. ON THE BORDER. They got a pool on the boundary that is striped down the middle showin' what state yer in. They got a swim-up bar in that pool and several list members delighted in sitting in one seat and ordering Everclear shots and getting turned down, only to shift over one and get their shot o' grain alcohol. Sadly, the CHP waded in before the snorkel trick Mr. Metsker was trying on the Cali side got off the ground, but an enterprising interstate Mossy's reenactment of Das Boot on the Silver State's side had everyone - aquacops and waterborne barmen included - falling over laughing. Well enough of all that. No sense in rubbing it in. Instead, I'll try to salve crisped feelings by letting you all in on what I stumbled on: Tryouts (of some sort) for slow-motion kung fu robots!
My guess is that someone's making a movie that features a platoon of robots that do slow-motion kung fu. That's about the only thing it could be. Or maybe a TV show or miniseries. Anyway, let me explain more. I was walking in to work the other day and what with the new apartment, I got a new commute. This takes me past a big church on California Street that has a park across the way. I'm walking on the park side and as I'm dodging some filthy ankle-biter dog that the oldest lady you ever saw is desperately trying to reign in I see a bunch of folks going through some very strange gestural movements. So strange, in fact, that it stopped me dead in my tracks to gape. The little yapper snaps me out of it but the wonder is still in front of me. Dozens of people - young, old, man, woman, child, black, white, brown, yellow - all going through some ritualistic slo mo judo chops and kicks and leg sweeps and sleeper holds. Stunned. That's the easiest way to describe my reaction. I was stunned. If I'd been on my bike, I'da wrecked.
I shook it off and resumed my walk, after watching a while longer. It stayed in my head all the way to work and for most of the day. I don't know for sure that it was a casting call or what. I didn't see any producer-lookin' folks. I didn't see any ubiquitous MiniDV cameras recording the best slow-motion kung fu robots to screen later, so I don't know. Mebbe it was the newest fitness mode, a la Ti Bo. Could be it was a newfangled martial art. My guess it was either tryouts for slow-motion kung fu robots or a new self-defense mode. The kind of new self-defense mode that is so unique, so original, it stupefies the would-be attacker long enough to deliver a slow-motion boot to the head. It'd probably work only once, though.
Tonight's venue is here: Iron and Gold
News: As I'm trying to figure out the mailing list errors, you may notice that a Thursday will go by and you won't receive a message from Robot. Here's the solution: Go to the frikkin' site. All the email is is a link to the site. You sorta don't need it. Just check to see if it's updated. The Venue Announcement is usually posted by 3p.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Golden Ball (REDUX Deux)
7.2.2017 (first posted this week 2004)
I love how in Windoze when ya have the caps lock key down and yr typin' and you capitalize something and it comes out all fucked up. Here's an example: aLAN IS AN aSSpACK.
Tonight - Kickin' it dEEP Mission w/ Jesus: Lone Palm
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I love how in Windoze when ya have the caps lock key down and yr typin' and you capitalize something and it comes out all fucked up. Here's an example: aLAN IS AN aSSpACK.
Tonight - Kickin' it dEEP Mission w/ Jesus: Lone Palm
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, July 06, 2017
Rosey (REDUX)
7.1.2017 (originally posted this week 2000)
If you had a screw-top head, you could unscrew, carefully lift out your brain and leave it at home Thursday nights so it wouldn't go gettin' in the way. Here are some instances of the damn thing gettin' in the way:
1. You say something stupid. Example: "Can I get a map to the bar, please, I do not know where it is." It's your brain that knows all the words and how to put them together to form a stupid sentence.
2. You do something stupid. Example: You knock over a full pint of your fellow list member's sweet, sweet beer. There again is your brain mucking things up. It tells your arms to flail wildly behind your back without looking over your shoulder to see if anything like a full pint of your fellow list member's sweet, sweet beer is back there.
Do yourself a favor and leave that darn thing at home tonight. Leave it when you're off to:
Dogpatch Saloon (raise a BDay toast to our robotic founder!!)
Are you used to not getting maps yet? Good. Don't hold your breath for one. Most folks can get around a small city just fine, thank you very much. Most others know several excellent web sites that generate M A P S and D R I V I N G D I R E C T I O N S for free. Others are unclear on this concept. I shall not name names, but "you know who you are." New to the list is Amy "Quitter" Whitehead's sister, Sarah. Lisa K. is new too. Oh yeah, and the softball team: Erik, Heather, Patrick, Patrick (a different one), Dave, Woody, Haneefah, and Emily. No one came off the list this week. If you or someone you know want off the list (or need the TNSC weekly sent to an alternate address) lemme know.
Tonight's Contest: NEW CONTEST: "Guess the Random Number." (Thanks for the suggestion Bobo.) Also: "Name the Softball Team," and "Design the Softball Team's Uniform."
Tonight's Arts and Crafts: It's difficult to report this, but "Tonight's Arts and Crafts" is being discontinued. It seems that a nasty little feud going on between Carl and Todd ever since that scrape they had in the hopscotch contest (see "DEW" (6.2.2K)). The feud spilled over into Arts and Crafts, and last week's WICKER! Arts and Crafts theme got out of hand. Todd set fire to a really great wicker chaise lounge that Carl made and Carl retaliated by letting a bunch of cats scratch on the legs of Todd's almost-finished wicker couch. The Founding Members determined that discontinuing A&C would remove the venue for "feud escalation." The Founding Member's report will be posted in a few weeks, as soon as it is decrypted and edited for content. Todd and Carl have been talked to.
Thanks to all of you who sent in fruitcake recipes. They have all been destroyed. Our chapter destroyed another 57 fruitcake recipes this quarter. We gained some ground and are ranked 413th nationally, up from 558. Yea!
See you tonight. Bring your old lady or old man. Leave the brain
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
If you had a screw-top head, you could unscrew, carefully lift out your brain and leave it at home Thursday nights so it wouldn't go gettin' in the way. Here are some instances of the damn thing gettin' in the way:
1. You say something stupid. Example: "Can I get a map to the bar, please, I do not know where it is." It's your brain that knows all the words and how to put them together to form a stupid sentence.
2. You do something stupid. Example: You knock over a full pint of your fellow list member's sweet, sweet beer. There again is your brain mucking things up. It tells your arms to flail wildly behind your back without looking over your shoulder to see if anything like a full pint of your fellow list member's sweet, sweet beer is back there.
Do yourself a favor and leave that darn thing at home tonight. Leave it when you're off to:
Dogpatch Saloon (raise a BDay toast to our robotic founder!!)
Are you used to not getting maps yet? Good. Don't hold your breath for one. Most folks can get around a small city just fine, thank you very much. Most others know several excellent web sites that generate M A P S and D R I V I N G D I R E C T I O N S for free. Others are unclear on this concept. I shall not name names, but "you know who you are." New to the list is Amy "Quitter" Whitehead's sister, Sarah. Lisa K. is new too. Oh yeah, and the softball team: Erik, Heather, Patrick, Patrick (a different one), Dave, Woody, Haneefah, and Emily. No one came off the list this week. If you or someone you know want off the list (or need the TNSC weekly sent to an alternate address) lemme know.
Tonight's Contest: NEW CONTEST: "Guess the Random Number." (Thanks for the suggestion Bobo.) Also: "Name the Softball Team," and "Design the Softball Team's Uniform."
Tonight's Arts and Crafts: It's difficult to report this, but "Tonight's Arts and Crafts" is being discontinued. It seems that a nasty little feud going on between Carl and Todd ever since that scrape they had in the hopscotch contest (see "DEW" (6.2.2K)). The feud spilled over into Arts and Crafts, and last week's WICKER! Arts and Crafts theme got out of hand. Todd set fire to a really great wicker chaise lounge that Carl made and Carl retaliated by letting a bunch of cats scratch on the legs of Todd's almost-finished wicker couch. The Founding Members determined that discontinuing A&C would remove the venue for "feud escalation." The Founding Member's report will be posted in a few weeks, as soon as it is decrypted and edited for content. Todd and Carl have been talked to.
Thanks to all of you who sent in fruitcake recipes. They have all been destroyed. Our chapter destroyed another 57 fruitcake recipes this quarter. We gained some ground and are ranked 413th nationally, up from 558. Yea!
See you tonight. Bring your old lady or old man. Leave the brain
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, June 29, 2017
I am not a plant. (REDUX)
6.4.2017 (originally posted this week 2001)
Ya hear of Fong Schway? Well I dug up a little primer on the trend at a local used book store. It's supposed to enhance the flow of positive energy in yer home. You chuck a mirror here, throw a windchime there, plug in a gurgly fountain and you're off to better livin'! Well I don't know about that. Mirrors tend to confuse, windchimes piss off neighbors and those fuckin' fountains ain't nothin' but algae ponds for the cats to drink up and puke. The trend is pretty hot, though. Some folks making a bunch of dough off suckers dumb enough to believe the arrangement of your sofa and chair can affect the Positive Energy in your place. The Fongers call this Positive Energy "chi." The Fongers go around the house with a bunch of sticks glued together that they say can identify the "Relationship Corner" and the "Wealth Corner" and such. Then you shove a cut-glass crystal in that corner and bingo, yer old lady ain't gonna leave you and you hit all six Lotto numbers. This little book was really informative.
The last part said that there was wide latitude for interpreting the "chip" ... or "chi" rather ... but it was careful to point out that your bunch of sticks better be glued together right or you risked the relatively unknown phenom of Fong Schwit. This is where your windchime, if placed in the "wrong" place, will bring the fuckin' sky down on ya. Yer dog'll run off, yer daughter will get knocked up and you'll lose your shirt at the track. Then your car will break down on the way home. That kind of nasty shit. Don't fuck with the Fong Schwit.
The last chapter, or more accurately, the addendum focused on the new school of Fong Schway called Fong Schwing. That seems to me at least to be the most believable. That part says that the placement of domestic light beer and rock and roll CD's and remote controls in proximity to where you're sitting will enhance the harmony of the room. I have some problems with the mirror and fountain placement nonsense, but the Fong Schwing kinda rules. I suppose I've been livin' the vida Fong Shwing for a while now, which is nice.
Tonight - The Homestead
note: We're half way thru the TNSC calendar year already!!
John Metsker won last week's Find the Reference! (The title of the VA was "19.07 g/cc." That's the density of Uranium. Wow! Easy!) He will enjoy a lovely prize. (An out-of-state subscriber also won. He too will enjoy a lovely prize.)
Now then. Who wants delicious drinks in a stylish location? Who wants to enjoy these things with lovely List Members? If you do, like I do, you're in luck! All that unfolds before us tonight. I'll bring my friends and see you there.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Ya hear of Fong Schway? Well I dug up a little primer on the trend at a local used book store. It's supposed to enhance the flow of positive energy in yer home. You chuck a mirror here, throw a windchime there, plug in a gurgly fountain and you're off to better livin'! Well I don't know about that. Mirrors tend to confuse, windchimes piss off neighbors and those fuckin' fountains ain't nothin' but algae ponds for the cats to drink up and puke. The trend is pretty hot, though. Some folks making a bunch of dough off suckers dumb enough to believe the arrangement of your sofa and chair can affect the Positive Energy in your place. The Fongers call this Positive Energy "chi." The Fongers go around the house with a bunch of sticks glued together that they say can identify the "Relationship Corner" and the "Wealth Corner" and such. Then you shove a cut-glass crystal in that corner and bingo, yer old lady ain't gonna leave you and you hit all six Lotto numbers. This little book was really informative.
The last part said that there was wide latitude for interpreting the "chip" ... or "chi" rather ... but it was careful to point out that your bunch of sticks better be glued together right or you risked the relatively unknown phenom of Fong Schwit. This is where your windchime, if placed in the "wrong" place, will bring the fuckin' sky down on ya. Yer dog'll run off, yer daughter will get knocked up and you'll lose your shirt at the track. Then your car will break down on the way home. That kind of nasty shit. Don't fuck with the Fong Schwit.
The last chapter, or more accurately, the addendum focused on the new school of Fong Schway called Fong Schwing. That seems to me at least to be the most believable. That part says that the placement of domestic light beer and rock and roll CD's and remote controls in proximity to where you're sitting will enhance the harmony of the room. I have some problems with the mirror and fountain placement nonsense, but the Fong Schwing kinda rules. I suppose I've been livin' the vida Fong Shwing for a while now, which is nice.
Tonight - The Homestead
note: We're half way thru the TNSC calendar year already!!
John Metsker won last week's Find the Reference! (The title of the VA was "19.07 g/cc." That's the density of Uranium. Wow! Easy!) He will enjoy a lovely prize. (An out-of-state subscriber also won. He too will enjoy a lovely prize.)
Now then. Who wants delicious drinks in a stylish location? Who wants to enjoy these things with lovely List Members? If you do, like I do, you're in luck! All that unfolds before us tonight. I'll bring my friends and see you there.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Dingus and Dingus (REDUX)
6.4.2017 (first posted this week... w/ this destinatio , 2004)
Here's a TNSC bedtime story for ya all to tell each other and if ya got a wee one or are gonna get a wee one or gonna have a wee one or ARE a wee one and I know some of you got one or are gonna get one or gonna have one or are one you can tell it to them or listen up.
There once were two brothers and their Mommy and Daddy were too interested in hitting the booze than thinking of names for the boys that they remained nameless for years. They would be playing trucks together and one would look upon the other and say, "what's your name? Gimme that 'dozer," whereupon the other would reply, "what's your name? Okay, 'cept pass me that Excel Spreadsheet." The first brother looked quizzically upon his brother and said, "What's your name? We're playing trucks. I will not pass you the Excel Spreadsheet. I will pass you the dump truck." The other brother replied, "That's fine, what's your name? But don't you think we should think about refinancing this fleet of ours before too long, as depreciation is a bitch." The other brother, all tall and skinny and curly-haired, adjusted his tie and said, "Jeez, what's your name? I don't really care. I'm getting rather bored with these trucks, shall we get a drink?" And of course the other brother said, "what's your name? That's the best idea I've heard all day."
So they retired to the bar and enjoyed red wine and Beefeater martinis up/olives and wished each other happy birthday and bon voyage.
The End.
Tonight - Kickin' it DOWNTOWN: The House of Shields.
(progressively allowing women since 1976)
Be there! Bring yr pals - I know I will. It's Celebrity Night, after all.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Here's a TNSC bedtime story for ya all to tell each other and if ya got a wee one or are gonna get a wee one or gonna have a wee one or ARE a wee one and I know some of you got one or are gonna get one or gonna have one or are one you can tell it to them or listen up.
There once were two brothers and their Mommy and Daddy were too interested in hitting the booze than thinking of names for the boys that they remained nameless for years. They would be playing trucks together and one would look upon the other and say, "what's your name? Gimme that 'dozer," whereupon the other would reply, "what's your name? Okay, 'cept pass me that Excel Spreadsheet." The first brother looked quizzically upon his brother and said, "What's your name? We're playing trucks. I will not pass you the Excel Spreadsheet. I will pass you the dump truck." The other brother replied, "That's fine, what's your name? But don't you think we should think about refinancing this fleet of ours before too long, as depreciation is a bitch." The other brother, all tall and skinny and curly-haired, adjusted his tie and said, "Jeez, what's your name? I don't really care. I'm getting rather bored with these trucks, shall we get a drink?" And of course the other brother said, "what's your name? That's the best idea I've heard all day."
So they retired to the bar and enjoyed red wine and Beefeater martinis up/olives and wished each other happy birthday and bon voyage.
The End.
Tonight - Kickin' it DOWNTOWN: The House of Shields.
(progressively allowing women since 1976)
Be there! Bring yr pals - I know I will. It's Celebrity Night, after all.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, June 15, 2017
From Raising AZ
6.2.2017
I recently stopped using the stupid Apple "Photos" app and migrated my thousands of photographs from over the decades to Google Photos. (I highly recommend doing so yourself.) I was browsing the newly-uploaded and came across the pix you see above of the Walgreens drug store. It might look like one of any thousands of strip-mall Walgreens drug stores that blanket the country, but this one is in Phoenix, AZ, and it is where something dumb and funny happened. Here, I'll tell ya ...
I was in Phoenix for a reason I forget, but one Saturday night several of us trekked over to a bar and had a few. We threw darts, smoked cigs, tried to get Jimi to stop dropping his pants, and had a fun night at the bar. It got late.
When the barkeep yelled, "last call," someone asked, "do we have any beer back at the base?" The base commander said, "no. We're out." Someone said, "Shit!" A few of us looked at each other and we all said, "SHIT!" at the same time and we hightailed it out the door, everyone knowing what we were doing: Emergency beer run.
We jumped in a car, peeled out of there and the driver yelled, "WHERE?" After a sec, someone said, "Walgreens has a liquor department!!" Walgreens with liquor department was close and it was a good thing because if it was last call at the bar, it was last call at the Walgreens.
We lurched to a stop right out front, making screeching sound with the tires. Jimi and I were out before the car stopped moving and we ran madly into the store, banging the doors open furiously.
The speed at which we were moving for the previous three minutes hit a brick wall seconds after entering the store. To our right was a line of eight or 10 people waiting to check out. To our left was the liquor department, separated from the rest of the store. It was as dark as a tomb and a thin chain stretched across the opening. Jimi and I looked at each other. We looked at the closed liquor department, back at one another then to the lone employee behind the register. His mouth was wide open as were the mouths of nine of the ten customers. Everyone was staring at the two morons that barnstormed into the Walgreens. "What's up with the liquor department?" I pleaded to the employee.
"Closes early," he said. Jimi and I looked at each other. "SHIT!!" we said to each other at the same time. We turned and ran out as fast as we had come in, banging the bejesus out of the door again.
We jumped in the car. "Go, go, go!" Jimi yelled, and our driver, thinking maybe that our beer run was of the truest form of the act, punched it, squealing tires. "What did you get? she yelled. "Nothing! Liquor department was closed!" "Shit!" she yelled.
A few seconds later, which was a few minutes past last call everywhere, we managed to get a kid at a nearby Circle K to sell us a case. Whew.
The next day, Jimi and I laughed about the night before. We remembered how we barged into the Walgreens like madmen. "I'm sure at least one of them thought we were there to rob the place," Jimi said. "Oh for sure," I agreed, "it's a damn good thing none of them cowboys in line had a pistol on them. We'd be pushin' up the daisies if he had." Jimi agreed. We talked about it and laughed some more.
Tonight - Pagan Idol (a first for TNSC)
Happy Birthday to Founding Member Alan Alonzo Chimenti. He's 25. Come on out and buy him a gin martini.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I recently stopped using the stupid Apple "Photos" app and migrated my thousands of photographs from over the decades to Google Photos. (I highly recommend doing so yourself.) I was browsing the newly-uploaded and came across the pix you see above of the Walgreens drug store. It might look like one of any thousands of strip-mall Walgreens drug stores that blanket the country, but this one is in Phoenix, AZ, and it is where something dumb and funny happened. Here, I'll tell ya ...
I was in Phoenix for a reason I forget, but one Saturday night several of us trekked over to a bar and had a few. We threw darts, smoked cigs, tried to get Jimi to stop dropping his pants, and had a fun night at the bar. It got late.
When the barkeep yelled, "last call," someone asked, "do we have any beer back at the base?" The base commander said, "no. We're out." Someone said, "Shit!" A few of us looked at each other and we all said, "SHIT!" at the same time and we hightailed it out the door, everyone knowing what we were doing: Emergency beer run.
We jumped in a car, peeled out of there and the driver yelled, "WHERE?" After a sec, someone said, "Walgreens has a liquor department!!" Walgreens with liquor department was close and it was a good thing because if it was last call at the bar, it was last call at the Walgreens.
We lurched to a stop right out front, making screeching sound with the tires. Jimi and I were out before the car stopped moving and we ran madly into the store, banging the doors open furiously.
The speed at which we were moving for the previous three minutes hit a brick wall seconds after entering the store. To our right was a line of eight or 10 people waiting to check out. To our left was the liquor department, separated from the rest of the store. It was as dark as a tomb and a thin chain stretched across the opening. Jimi and I looked at each other. We looked at the closed liquor department, back at one another then to the lone employee behind the register. His mouth was wide open as were the mouths of nine of the ten customers. Everyone was staring at the two morons that barnstormed into the Walgreens. "What's up with the liquor department?" I pleaded to the employee.
"Closes early," he said. Jimi and I looked at each other. "SHIT!!" we said to each other at the same time. We turned and ran out as fast as we had come in, banging the bejesus out of the door again.
We jumped in the car. "Go, go, go!" Jimi yelled, and our driver, thinking maybe that our beer run was of the truest form of the act, punched it, squealing tires. "What did you get? she yelled. "Nothing! Liquor department was closed!" "Shit!" she yelled.
A few seconds later, which was a few minutes past last call everywhere, we managed to get a kid at a nearby Circle K to sell us a case. Whew.
The next day, Jimi and I laughed about the night before. We remembered how we barged into the Walgreens like madmen. "I'm sure at least one of them thought we were there to rob the place," Jimi said. "Oh for sure," I agreed, "it's a damn good thing none of them cowboys in line had a pistol on them. We'd be pushin' up the daisies if he had." Jimi agreed. We talked about it and laughed some more.
Tonight - Pagan Idol (a first for TNSC)
Happy Birthday to Founding Member Alan Alonzo Chimenti. He's 25. Come on out and buy him a gin martini.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, June 08, 2017
Pitch a Tent
6.2.2017 (first posted this week, 2004)
I hope all y'all enjoy camping and by that I mean "car camping" because it ain't really camping w/o scads of icy-cold Coors Lights. I hope you enjoy camping cuz it's fun to sit and stare at a real live fire that YOU built all the while drinking icy-cold Coors Lights and thinking mebbe it's time to pull the trigger on them sausages you got stashed in the non-beer cooler. It's fun to hit logs w/ hatchets. It's fun to pitch a tent in the out-of-doors ... if you catch my meaning.
Got a couple expectations when camping: Yr gonna get rather filthy. Yr gonna smell pine forest and clean air. Yr gonna get dirt and sticks and leaves and such in the tent no matter how hard you try not to. Yr gonna hear the calls of the wild creatures who LIVE in the forest. Yr gonna stay up late and yr gonna eat eggs in the morning. Yr gonna pee on a tree.
Another expectation when yr camping: Yr not gonna be woken in the middle of the night by an air-raid siren. Call me crazy but I never thought the campground in the Sierra Nat'l Forest near Huntington Lake at around 9000 feet elevation was a strategic target for whatever airborne enemies we got but clearly someone up around there does and remains vigilant 24/7 cuz they must have spotted some tell-tale sign of impending aerial assault on their radar and signaled the sound-asleep Memorial Day campers with the unmistakable klaxon that the bombers approached! I was eagerly awaiting the KRUMP! KRUMP! of the triple-A as our host fought off the hordes and dreading the bombs through the pines and dogwoods. And us without our helmets!
Not a fuckin' thing ever came of the air-raid siren. No ack-ack guns, no secondary explosions and no searchlights sweeping the heavens. Mebbe it was a drill or something. Mebbe the bombers turned back. Who the fuckey fuck knows?
Tonight - Spec's 12 Adler Museum Café
**CASH ONLY**
(Happy BDay, Ted!)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I hope all y'all enjoy camping and by that I mean "car camping" because it ain't really camping w/o scads of icy-cold Coors Lights. I hope you enjoy camping cuz it's fun to sit and stare at a real live fire that YOU built all the while drinking icy-cold Coors Lights and thinking mebbe it's time to pull the trigger on them sausages you got stashed in the non-beer cooler. It's fun to hit logs w/ hatchets. It's fun to pitch a tent in the out-of-doors ... if you catch my meaning.
Got a couple expectations when camping: Yr gonna get rather filthy. Yr gonna smell pine forest and clean air. Yr gonna get dirt and sticks and leaves and such in the tent no matter how hard you try not to. Yr gonna hear the calls of the wild creatures who LIVE in the forest. Yr gonna stay up late and yr gonna eat eggs in the morning. Yr gonna pee on a tree.
Another expectation when yr camping: Yr not gonna be woken in the middle of the night by an air-raid siren. Call me crazy but I never thought the campground in the Sierra Nat'l Forest near Huntington Lake at around 9000 feet elevation was a strategic target for whatever airborne enemies we got but clearly someone up around there does and remains vigilant 24/7 cuz they must have spotted some tell-tale sign of impending aerial assault on their radar and signaled the sound-asleep Memorial Day campers with the unmistakable klaxon that the bombers approached! I was eagerly awaiting the KRUMP! KRUMP! of the triple-A as our host fought off the hordes and dreading the bombs through the pines and dogwoods. And us without our helmets!
Not a fuckin' thing ever came of the air-raid siren. No ack-ack guns, no secondary explosions and no searchlights sweeping the heavens. Mebbe it was a drill or something. Mebbe the bombers turned back. Who the fuckey fuck knows?
Tonight - Spec's 12 Adler Museum Café
**CASH ONLY**
(Happy BDay, Ted!)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, June 01, 2017
I Got the Microwave Oven!
6.1.2017
What do ya do on a Sunday morning in October, '92 when da Bears are stinking up Soldier Field and you were counting on a good game to eat part of the day? You paw through the Sunday Trib is what you do.
On this particular Sunday I guess I was pretty bored, or inspired, or bored and inspired, because as the game got worse for the Monsters of da Midway, I found me a pair of scissors, some tape and started having-at the Trib's Sunday magazine and did me some collage'n.
Here's what I came up with:
That's ol' Art Linkletter and one of his mechanized chairs, a butcher knife that was on sale somewhere, the head of some jolly old bespectacled fellow and a couple hunks of bone-in "cowboy style" ribeye that was on sale at Dominick's. I think it turned out quite well.
So skip ahead a bit and I'm at work at the Loyola University Center for Instructional Design - or LUCID, if you wish - and the above collage was in one of my spiral notebooks. Why it was in there is to keep it flat (my guess), or that I lost track of it (more likely). Whatever the reason, it was in a spiral notebook that I was using to log some footage from a shoot of the Niles College administrative staff about their pending absorption into the Loyola system.
For another unknown reason, my boss's boss - a strange, serious and very jumpy woman named Kate - found the collage and, uh, did something with it.
I found all of this out later from the assistant director of LUCID who was a really cool lady named Betty and who told me the story: Kate was absently leafing through my notebook and found the collage and was shocked! Oh my goodness! Decapitation! Slaughter! Kim found the collage, freaked out, took-it-to-a-psyc-professor-she-knows and asked him if whoever made this was a threat to themself or - more importantly - others.
Betty said that the psyc prof said, no, and to please get the fuck out of his office because he's busy (her words). I laughed and asked Betty what she thought and she said her pal is the GM of a commercial post production facility and they needed a tape librarian. I got the picture, got the job and the rest is history.
And just a week ago, while looking through boxes in the garage, I found my beloved - one-time controversial - collage. And here you go.
Tonight - Orbit Room (where it all started)
Another "TNSC Founders Night" c'mon out!!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
What do ya do on a Sunday morning in October, '92 when da Bears are stinking up Soldier Field and you were counting on a good game to eat part of the day? You paw through the Sunday Trib is what you do.
On this particular Sunday I guess I was pretty bored, or inspired, or bored and inspired, because as the game got worse for the Monsters of da Midway, I found me a pair of scissors, some tape and started having-at the Trib's Sunday magazine and did me some collage'n.
Here's what I came up with:
That's ol' Art Linkletter and one of his mechanized chairs, a butcher knife that was on sale somewhere, the head of some jolly old bespectacled fellow and a couple hunks of bone-in "cowboy style" ribeye that was on sale at Dominick's. I think it turned out quite well.
So skip ahead a bit and I'm at work at the Loyola University Center for Instructional Design - or LUCID, if you wish - and the above collage was in one of my spiral notebooks. Why it was in there is to keep it flat (my guess), or that I lost track of it (more likely). Whatever the reason, it was in a spiral notebook that I was using to log some footage from a shoot of the Niles College administrative staff about their pending absorption into the Loyola system.
For another unknown reason, my boss's boss - a strange, serious and very jumpy woman named Kate - found the collage and, uh, did something with it.
I found all of this out later from the assistant director of LUCID who was a really cool lady named Betty and who told me the story: Kate was absently leafing through my notebook and found the collage and was shocked! Oh my goodness! Decapitation! Slaughter! Kim found the collage, freaked out, took-it-to-a-psyc-professor-she-knows and asked him if whoever made this was a threat to themself or - more importantly - others.
Betty said that the psyc prof said, no, and to please get the fuck out of his office because he's busy (her words). I laughed and asked Betty what she thought and she said her pal is the GM of a commercial post production facility and they needed a tape librarian. I got the picture, got the job and the rest is history.
And just a week ago, while looking through boxes in the garage, I found my beloved - one-time controversial - collage. And here you go.
Tonight - Orbit Room (where it all started)
Another "TNSC Founders Night" c'mon out!!
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Heads Up!! (REDUX)
5.4.2017 (first published this week 2000)
Incoming!!
Think back for a minute. Think about when you were a kid. What did you like to do most?
Climb trees? Eat Popsicle's? Play "Marco Polo?"
Fast forward. What do you like to do most now?
Day trade? Collect salt and pepper shakers? Drink a lot of booze?
If you like to drink a lot of booze, you're in luck, boy and girl. This is the official Thursday Night Social Club email communication! Accept no others! Tonight your fellow list members will descend on this little gem of a bar:
Tonight - The Homestead
This week's singled-out list member: Tuesday McGowan. She's in town, so come on out and see her!
Rosey's still out of town so once again there's no need for a map. Can you believe he needs a map to The Homestead? The place is about a hundred steps from where he works for crying out loud.
Tonight's Contests: bubblegum bubbles, hold-your-breath, jump-rope, cartography (we can have this contest while Rosey's gone, otherwise we would spend the entire night explaining it to him.)
This week's Art's and Crafts: Stew-meat and puppets.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Incoming!!
Think back for a minute. Think about when you were a kid. What did you like to do most?
Climb trees? Eat Popsicle's? Play "Marco Polo?"
Fast forward. What do you like to do most now?
Day trade? Collect salt and pepper shakers? Drink a lot of booze?
If you like to drink a lot of booze, you're in luck, boy and girl. This is the official Thursday Night Social Club email communication! Accept no others! Tonight your fellow list members will descend on this little gem of a bar:
Tonight - The Homestead
This week's singled-out list member: Tuesday McGowan. She's in town, so come on out and see her!
Rosey's still out of town so once again there's no need for a map. Can you believe he needs a map to The Homestead? The place is about a hundred steps from where he works for crying out loud.
Tonight's Contests: bubblegum bubbles, hold-your-breath, jump-rope, cartography (we can have this contest while Rosey's gone, otherwise we would spend the entire night explaining it to him.)
This week's Art's and Crafts: Stew-meat and puppets.
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, May 18, 2017
A "quick" Fella (REDUX)
5.3.2017 (first posted this week 2005)
Safety has been on my mind since a few weeks back when this ittybitty earthquake woke me and one of the cats up. I have an "emergency kit" near the door with yr basic survive-until-the-choppers-get-here shit: A deluxe First Aid kit, heavy leather gloves (for removing shattered houses parts from neighbors), several pair of latex gloves (for you-know-what), Strike-anywhere matches, foil blankets, flashlights, radios, road flares, powerbars, boxed water, several pistols (various caliber) and roughly $500 in gold. Near the kit is more of the MadMax variety necessary items: Leather jacket, old jeans, couple t-shirts, boots, brass knuckles, knives, concussion grenades and a case of Molitov cocktails.
There's a HIS and HER setup, of course, ya can't rebuild civilization w/o yr gal.
Tonight - Wooden Nickel
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Safety has been on my mind since a few weeks back when this ittybitty earthquake woke me and one of the cats up. I have an "emergency kit" near the door with yr basic survive-until-the-choppers-get-here shit: A deluxe First Aid kit, heavy leather gloves (for removing shattered houses parts from neighbors), several pair of latex gloves (for you-know-what), Strike-anywhere matches, foil blankets, flashlights, radios, road flares, powerbars, boxed water, several pistols (various caliber) and roughly $500 in gold. Near the kit is more of the MadMax variety necessary items: Leather jacket, old jeans, couple t-shirts, boots, brass knuckles, knives, concussion grenades and a case of Molitov cocktails.
There's a HIS and HER setup, of course, ya can't rebuild civilization w/o yr gal.
Tonight - Wooden Nickel
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Except for the ring of the truncheon thing
5.2.2017
I saw a flatfoot walking the street in Venice the other day. He was putting flyers on windshields of parked cars reminding drivers to:
No, the copper said, they were real police reminders. I asked him if I could bug him with an unrelated question. He was down.
I said that I've seen people driving 55mph and such down residential streets. Others blowing through crosswalks while people were in them. I asked him if I got the tag numbers and a description of the car, could I call the cops on them. He said, "well ... no."
He explained that if I were to call 911, by the time the call was answered and a unit dispatched, the vehicle would either be long gone or probably stuck in LA's choked traffic, so the cops couldn't do anything.
I asked him if there was anything at all they could do. "It's a real problem," I explained.
He said that unless the driver tried to hit you, the LAPD could do nothing. If they swerved and tried to hit you, that qualified as assault with a deadly weapon (the car) and they'd be glad to arrest the driver, impound the car, sell it at auction, burn down their house, turn out their families, loot their bank accounts, defile their parents' graves and so on.
"And," he continued, "we'd be glad to shoot every unarmed person we could."
I stared a him a sec, feeling very uneasy. I was unarmed. Did he know that? Was he reaching for his service weapon?
"I GOT YOU," he gleefully exclaimed. "I got you, I got you! You should see your face!"
I beat it the hell out of there.
Tonight - Doc's Clock
(before time is up in their current space)
** CASH ONLY**
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I saw a flatfoot walking the street in Venice the other day. He was putting flyers on windshields of parked cars reminding drivers to:
- Lock their doors
- Roll up their windows
- Don't leave packages or luggage in plain sight
- Remember that thieves are everywhere and they're coming for your shit
No, the copper said, they were real police reminders. I asked him if I could bug him with an unrelated question. He was down.
I said that I've seen people driving 55mph and such down residential streets. Others blowing through crosswalks while people were in them. I asked him if I got the tag numbers and a description of the car, could I call the cops on them. He said, "well ... no."
He explained that if I were to call 911, by the time the call was answered and a unit dispatched, the vehicle would either be long gone or probably stuck in LA's choked traffic, so the cops couldn't do anything.
I asked him if there was anything at all they could do. "It's a real problem," I explained.
He said that unless the driver tried to hit you, the LAPD could do nothing. If they swerved and tried to hit you, that qualified as assault with a deadly weapon (the car) and they'd be glad to arrest the driver, impound the car, sell it at auction, burn down their house, turn out their families, loot their bank accounts, defile their parents' graves and so on.
"And," he continued, "we'd be glad to shoot every unarmed person we could."
I stared a him a sec, feeling very uneasy. I was unarmed. Did he know that? Was he reaching for his service weapon?
"I GOT YOU," he gleefully exclaimed. "I got you, I got you! You should see your face!"
I beat it the hell out of there.
Tonight - Doc's Clock
(before time is up in their current space)
** CASH ONLY**
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, May 04, 2017
Can I Help Ya Help Ya Help Ya?
5.1.2017
On a long-haul flight across the country, if you're not in a row with family, you better hope you have one of the ends. I flew from Atlanta to Los Angeles recently and had a middle seat. Yep, I had every aspect of the middle seat blues. For five hours.
First thing, I had to chuck my carry-on in the space above a row behind me. Knowing full-well that upon arrival, my fellow passengers from the rows behind me will sprint to get ahead of everyone else to deplane, I know what fun awaits me when we land, taxi and pull up to the gate. I'll have to swim against the current or hope for help. I'll get back to this.
Settling into my middle seat, I wasn't surprised when neither of my row mates said hello. I was surprised to find that our row was the one row on the plane that had no window. It was only bulkhead and the dude on my right who picked the window seat got no window. If he was disappointed he didn't tell me.
So while we wait for the back of the plane to board and stow, my row sits in silence. The woman to my left fiddles with a goddamn phone game that either had candy or fruit and she was trying to make or delete patterns of them. I have a better imagination and don't have to have some mindless phone game to help pass the time.
The next fun thing was the flight crew yelling at one another because the gate agent let too many people board and some had the same seat. How this happens is beyond me. So guy gets up, gets his jacket from the closet and gets off. Girl from back gets off. Guy from back gets jacket guy's seat. Airline employees wave receipts and softly yell at each other. Girl from back gets back on. Guy from back gets off. Jacket guy gets back on and stows his jacket in the closet. These three and two more continue this game of musical chairs for 10, 15, 20 more minutes. Someone in the rows loudly complains. Finally the shit is gotten together and seats are filled and we button up.
And we wait. Cap tells us we're "third in line," but that takes another 20 or 30 minutes. I'm facing four hours and 52 minutes of flight time in this goddamn middle seat and we're not burning any of it. To boot, we have no window view to even have an idea of where we are on the tarmac. It sucks.
Later, we're off. Right guy is indeed Right: He flips on FOX™ News. And long ago he made it clear that both arm rests were his. I began an insurrection and continued to assert my claim on part of it as we waited and departed and into now. He was dogged, but I was determined.
The flight dragged on and the arm rest war was at stalemate: I had my elbow fixed at the base of the seat and "casually" held onto "my part." He kept "stretching" and trying to regain ground but I wasn't having it. Sometimes, when he stretched, I grabbed up more. He stopped stretching and even stopped playing with the seatback TV with his left hand. I noticed how he awkwardly fumbled with the controls with his right. He switched from FOX™ News to "Say Yes to the Dress" (huh?), back to FOX™ News and eventually settled on Star Wars™ Rogue whatever. Wouldn't it be great if asshole FOX™ News-watching bastards couldn't watch Star Wars™ or PIXAR™ movies? Whatever.
Meanwhile, the sandwich service was underway. When the cart got near us, the woman to my left grabbed a menu from it, perused it, then put it back. Um ... perhaps your row-mates might want a tasteless piece of crap sandwich, ya fucker? Maybe? I knew the menu was on the seatback TV so I already knew I was going to get a flat turkey sandwich but seriously, how fucking rude.
I ate the piece of crap sandwich, donned ear plugs and an old Lufthansa™ eye mask and tried to sleep. Sometimes on flights just as I doze off I TWITCH once and wake. I think I did this a few times and hope I annoyed the two asswipes in my row.
With a couple hours to go, I abandoned the napping and switched on my seatback TV, browsed the movies and settled on "Arrival." I had shitty, in-ear headphones (alas, my Bose, over-ear, noise-cancelling super 'phones were in my bag over the head of someone behind me), so I could barely hear what turned out to be a movie that made more sense only if you clearly heard every word. Oh well.
During the movie, I came to understand that Right guy discovered my glasses case in my right cargo pocket of my cargo shorts. He didn't like it. It was in his space. I had the "window" seat, I'd fucking scoot over right. Cram myself into it cuz I could. Since he already established he wasn't cramming anything (with the armrest war), he only slid his hand between his leg and my glasses case repeatedly. First, I think to figure out what it was, and second to maybe nudge it a little back toward me. Of course, this required him to move his arm off the arm rest. So when he did, I snagged more real estate. He was slow to discover this by the time I had most of it. This did not make him happy and he squirmed. I really enjoyed it. I thought for sure that he would complain to me, and was more and more sure every time he slid his hand over. But he never did. Ha ha. I win.
Or so I thought. Sure, we finally made it to LA. Sure we didn't taxi long and even better, a guy behind me snagged my bag and handed it to me. Upon deplaning, I found Los Angeles International to be bursting at the seams: Every seat filled. People huddling around every electrical outlet recharging their phones. People sleeping on the floor. I didn't know why it was so busy, and I didn't care.
Then it took 45 minutes for our bags to reach carousel #3. THEN I found the terminals to be as busy outside as they were inside. Uber™ said my driver was .01 miles away and estimated 32 minutes away because of the traffic. That driver and the next canceled on me. The next Uber ™driver called and said I should try later because he was stuck. I switched to Lyft™ and got a ride 11 minutes later.
So anyway, my travel that day was lousy, but not a capital "B" bitch. It happens.
Tonight - The Page
**CASH ONLY**
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
On a long-haul flight across the country, if you're not in a row with family, you better hope you have one of the ends. I flew from Atlanta to Los Angeles recently and had a middle seat. Yep, I had every aspect of the middle seat blues. For five hours.
First thing, I had to chuck my carry-on in the space above a row behind me. Knowing full-well that upon arrival, my fellow passengers from the rows behind me will sprint to get ahead of everyone else to deplane, I know what fun awaits me when we land, taxi and pull up to the gate. I'll have to swim against the current or hope for help. I'll get back to this.
Settling into my middle seat, I wasn't surprised when neither of my row mates said hello. I was surprised to find that our row was the one row on the plane that had no window. It was only bulkhead and the dude on my right who picked the window seat got no window. If he was disappointed he didn't tell me.
So while we wait for the back of the plane to board and stow, my row sits in silence. The woman to my left fiddles with a goddamn phone game that either had candy or fruit and she was trying to make or delete patterns of them. I have a better imagination and don't have to have some mindless phone game to help pass the time.
The next fun thing was the flight crew yelling at one another because the gate agent let too many people board and some had the same seat. How this happens is beyond me. So guy gets up, gets his jacket from the closet and gets off. Girl from back gets off. Guy from back gets jacket guy's seat. Airline employees wave receipts and softly yell at each other. Girl from back gets back on. Guy from back gets off. Jacket guy gets back on and stows his jacket in the closet. These three and two more continue this game of musical chairs for 10, 15, 20 more minutes. Someone in the rows loudly complains. Finally the shit is gotten together and seats are filled and we button up.
And we wait. Cap tells us we're "third in line," but that takes another 20 or 30 minutes. I'm facing four hours and 52 minutes of flight time in this goddamn middle seat and we're not burning any of it. To boot, we have no window view to even have an idea of where we are on the tarmac. It sucks.
Later, we're off. Right guy is indeed Right: He flips on FOX™ News. And long ago he made it clear that both arm rests were his. I began an insurrection and continued to assert my claim on part of it as we waited and departed and into now. He was dogged, but I was determined.
The flight dragged on and the arm rest war was at stalemate: I had my elbow fixed at the base of the seat and "casually" held onto "my part." He kept "stretching" and trying to regain ground but I wasn't having it. Sometimes, when he stretched, I grabbed up more. He stopped stretching and even stopped playing with the seatback TV with his left hand. I noticed how he awkwardly fumbled with the controls with his right. He switched from FOX™ News to "Say Yes to the Dress" (huh?), back to FOX™ News and eventually settled on Star Wars™ Rogue whatever. Wouldn't it be great if asshole FOX™ News-watching bastards couldn't watch Star Wars™ or PIXAR™ movies? Whatever.
Meanwhile, the sandwich service was underway. When the cart got near us, the woman to my left grabbed a menu from it, perused it, then put it back. Um ... perhaps your row-mates might want a tasteless piece of crap sandwich, ya fucker? Maybe? I knew the menu was on the seatback TV so I already knew I was going to get a flat turkey sandwich but seriously, how fucking rude.
I ate the piece of crap sandwich, donned ear plugs and an old Lufthansa™ eye mask and tried to sleep. Sometimes on flights just as I doze off I TWITCH once and wake. I think I did this a few times and hope I annoyed the two asswipes in my row.
With a couple hours to go, I abandoned the napping and switched on my seatback TV, browsed the movies and settled on "Arrival." I had shitty, in-ear headphones (alas, my Bose, over-ear, noise-cancelling super 'phones were in my bag over the head of someone behind me), so I could barely hear what turned out to be a movie that made more sense only if you clearly heard every word. Oh well.
During the movie, I came to understand that Right guy discovered my glasses case in my right cargo pocket of my cargo shorts. He didn't like it. It was in his space. I had the "window" seat, I'd fucking scoot over right. Cram myself into it cuz I could. Since he already established he wasn't cramming anything (with the armrest war), he only slid his hand between his leg and my glasses case repeatedly. First, I think to figure out what it was, and second to maybe nudge it a little back toward me. Of course, this required him to move his arm off the arm rest. So when he did, I snagged more real estate. He was slow to discover this by the time I had most of it. This did not make him happy and he squirmed. I really enjoyed it. I thought for sure that he would complain to me, and was more and more sure every time he slid his hand over. But he never did. Ha ha. I win.
Or so I thought. Sure, we finally made it to LA. Sure we didn't taxi long and even better, a guy behind me snagged my bag and handed it to me. Upon deplaning, I found Los Angeles International to be bursting at the seams: Every seat filled. People huddling around every electrical outlet recharging their phones. People sleeping on the floor. I didn't know why it was so busy, and I didn't care.
Then it took 45 minutes for our bags to reach carousel #3. THEN I found the terminals to be as busy outside as they were inside. Uber™ said my driver was .01 miles away and estimated 32 minutes away because of the traffic. That driver and the next canceled on me. The next Uber ™driver called and said I should try later because he was stuck. I switched to Lyft™ and got a ride 11 minutes later.
So anyway, my travel that day was lousy, but not a capital "B" bitch. It happens.
Tonight - The Page
**CASH ONLY**
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, April 27, 2017
sac (REDUX)
4.4.2017 (first posted this week 2002)
Have a listen to what I ate the other day:
A sack of Cheerios.
A sack of lemon cookies.
A sack of peanut butter sandwich (it was a small sandwich-sized sack).
Another sack of peanut butter sandwich.
A sack of sunflower seeds.
A sack of Cholula-flavored tater chips.
Sixteen cups of coffee.
And a Coke.
Sounds to me like I got a super “sack and coffee” diet going.
I bet yer all jealous. Too bad for you.
Tonight - The Homestead.
(Welcome to the end of the month)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Have a listen to what I ate the other day:
A sack of Cheerios.
A sack of lemon cookies.
A sack of peanut butter sandwich (it was a small sandwich-sized sack).
Another sack of peanut butter sandwich.
A sack of sunflower seeds.
A sack of Cholula-flavored tater chips.
Sixteen cups of coffee.
And a Coke.
Sounds to me like I got a super “sack and coffee” diet going.
I bet yer all jealous. Too bad for you.
Tonight - The Homestead.
(Welcome to the end of the month)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, April 20, 2017
LA Dodgers
4.3.2017
Oh hi.
I mostly bike to work, but sometimes I drive the Jeep the two or so miles. I recently drove because it's Ezzy's spring break and he's in camp at the park in our neighborhood. The park is between work and where we live, so I dropped him off and kept on going.
It happens that the drive from the park to work is the very route I take when biking. It winds through the back streets of Venice Beach and crosses the two big streets at sleepy side streets (with traffic signals, natch.)
So on this drive though the neighborhood, I encountered a car that turned off a street in front of me and I observed that this guy didn't stop at his stop sign. He didn't slow and if he looked at the oncoming traffic (me), I didn't see him do so. If you witness driving like this, it's memorable. Where one should stop, one doesn't. I'm not talking of the "California (rolling) Stop." This guy didn't slow. He just made a right turn. And what's more is that I've observed drivers doing this a lot lately. I don't know if there's something in the air, but people are not stopping at stop signs.
So I'm behind this guy now and a bit down the road he slows and stops. He doesn't pull over or signal or even hit his hazard blinkers. He just slows and stops. I slow and stop behind him and since I'm not in a hurry, wait. He sits there with his foot on the brake for a few seconds. Then, without looking, releases the brake and hits the gas. Ho hum. Just gonna stop for a sec.
Later (and mind you, this is a 3.4 mile trip though side streets), another car turns in front of me without stopping for their stop sign. Then another guy is stopped in the middle of the road when I come upon him. I go around him and a guy turns right in front of me without slowing for his stop sign, then slows to a stop in the middle of the road. I pull up behind him and toot the horn, cuz I've had enough hi jinks for the morning.
Sure enough, the next guy I'm behind pulls to the stop sign and lingers. He's not waiting for anyone to cross. He's not yielding for a pedestrian. Just as I'm about to toot for him to fuckin' go, he goes. Jeez.
So I pull up to the stop. I stop. As I'm stopping, the grey Dodge to my left BLASTS his horn at me. Yes, I get it, it's your turn. At that point I was finished with turkeys driving cars and I didn't need a BLAST from his grey Dodge boat horn. So since my window was down and my patience was gone, I totally flipped him off - full arm extension to boot - and loudly said while looking right at his "it's MY turn to go-face," "FUCK YOU!!" His face changed to looking confused and slightly hurt and I-should-be-pissed as he continued through the intersection. I thought the whole thing was hilarious, so I laughed.
I laughed the remaining way to work, and only had to dodge one more car that stopped in the middle of the road for no obvious reason.
Tonight - Dovré Club (**CASH ONLY**)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Oh hi.
I mostly bike to work, but sometimes I drive the Jeep the two or so miles. I recently drove because it's Ezzy's spring break and he's in camp at the park in our neighborhood. The park is between work and where we live, so I dropped him off and kept on going.
It happens that the drive from the park to work is the very route I take when biking. It winds through the back streets of Venice Beach and crosses the two big streets at sleepy side streets (with traffic signals, natch.)
So on this drive though the neighborhood, I encountered a car that turned off a street in front of me and I observed that this guy didn't stop at his stop sign. He didn't slow and if he looked at the oncoming traffic (me), I didn't see him do so. If you witness driving like this, it's memorable. Where one should stop, one doesn't. I'm not talking of the "California (rolling) Stop." This guy didn't slow. He just made a right turn. And what's more is that I've observed drivers doing this a lot lately. I don't know if there's something in the air, but people are not stopping at stop signs.
So I'm behind this guy now and a bit down the road he slows and stops. He doesn't pull over or signal or even hit his hazard blinkers. He just slows and stops. I slow and stop behind him and since I'm not in a hurry, wait. He sits there with his foot on the brake for a few seconds. Then, without looking, releases the brake and hits the gas. Ho hum. Just gonna stop for a sec.
Later (and mind you, this is a 3.4 mile trip though side streets), another car turns in front of me without stopping for their stop sign. Then another guy is stopped in the middle of the road when I come upon him. I go around him and a guy turns right in front of me without slowing for his stop sign, then slows to a stop in the middle of the road. I pull up behind him and toot the horn, cuz I've had enough hi jinks for the morning.
Sure enough, the next guy I'm behind pulls to the stop sign and lingers. He's not waiting for anyone to cross. He's not yielding for a pedestrian. Just as I'm about to toot for him to fuckin' go, he goes. Jeez.
So I pull up to the stop. I stop. As I'm stopping, the grey Dodge to my left BLASTS his horn at me. Yes, I get it, it's your turn. At that point I was finished with turkeys driving cars and I didn't need a BLAST from his grey Dodge boat horn. So since my window was down and my patience was gone, I totally flipped him off - full arm extension to boot - and loudly said while looking right at his "it's MY turn to go-face," "FUCK YOU!!" His face changed to looking confused and slightly hurt and I-should-be-pissed as he continued through the intersection. I thought the whole thing was hilarious, so I laughed.
I laughed the remaining way to work, and only had to dodge one more car that stopped in the middle of the road for no obvious reason.
Tonight - Dovré Club (**CASH ONLY**)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Chain-chain-change! (REDUX)
4.2.2017 (first posted this week 2003)
Here's some things!
I called this fucking bitch I know a "big fat androgynous hoggy with a turtleneck ass." I think that is a.) true; and b.) funny.
I got a lot of things goin' on this month. So damn many I needa get my Palm Pilot up and running. There's a dead monkey on it now. That sucker stinks.
Boy did I stay out late last night.
Spongebob is cool. Silly.
Moss was in the paper yesterday.
I'm considering a second Emergen-C today.
Moving again. Got calls to make.
I like being sneaky. Yesterday I was sneaky.
Birthday party for Miss Delp and Mister Lennon this Sunday the 13th. It's gonna be at Great America. Robot is prolly gonna puke from them coasters.
Tonight - Club Deluxe (**CASH ONLY**)
Burlesque by Little Minsky's / featuring Mr. Lucky.
Nominal cover charge / show at 10pm
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Here's some things!
I called this fucking bitch I know a "big fat androgynous hoggy with a turtleneck ass." I think that is a.) true; and b.) funny.
I got a lot of things goin' on this month. So damn many I needa get my Palm Pilot up and running. There's a dead monkey on it now. That sucker stinks.
Boy did I stay out late last night.
Spongebob is cool. Silly.
Moss was in the paper yesterday.
I'm considering a second Emergen-C today.
Moving again. Got calls to make.
I like being sneaky. Yesterday I was sneaky.
Birthday party for Miss Delp and Mister Lennon this Sunday the 13th. It's gonna be at Great America. Robot is prolly gonna puke from them coasters.
Tonight - Club Deluxe (**CASH ONLY**)
Burlesque by Little Minsky's / featuring Mr. Lucky.
Nominal cover charge / show at 10pm
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, April 06, 2017
Vernon (REDUX)
4.1.2017 (first posted this week 2007
I was riding my bike home the other night when I came across a couple teenage grrrrls throwing a pair of sneaks with the laces tied together up toward the telephone wire between two poles at an intersection. They had two or three shots at it as I approached, two getting close, but none staying up. I slowed. I said, "you know what that is supposed to mean, don't you?" They said no. They said it's supposed to look cool. I said, circling the intersection, "in some neighborhoods it means that there's a drug dealer nearby. It's a signal for people looking to score dope." They said they didn't know that. They were doing it for fun. I said, "now you know," and turned back toward home.
Mid-turn I noticed a guy on a motocross bike coming my way and I yielded for him. "Thanks," he said. I said, "sure." Then, "hey, you ride this street often?" He said yes, that he lived right up there, and pointed up there. I said, "how do you like the buttwipes that don't stop for the stop signs, you notice this street is pretty bad?" He said hell yes. He doesn't take the signs for granted that anyone will stop at them. I appreciated his attention and figured he's noticed what I noticed: That no one stops for the signs. I said, "good man. Gotta be careful around here." He said he always was. I said cheers and cranked home. The next second I heard a crash - not unlike a guy on a motocross guy wrecking. I looked back and indeed he had gone down. I turned around and rode up to him. A sixty-something black woman crossing the street toward him "Holy shit, dude, you okay?" He said yeah. "What happened," I asked. "I tried to bunny-hop the curb and I ate it. Damn." I asked him if he was really okay as he futzed with the chain on his bike. "Yeah, I am. Thanks for stopping." Then the black lady, who was passing, said, "there will come a time when you find yourself too old to try such things. They don't work out so well."
I stopped my bike and looked her square in the eyes. She stopped, turned toward me, put a fist on her hip and returned the look. I asked her, "what else we gotta stop doing when we get older?" She looked at me for a second, then said, gravely, "Honey, I tell you what all you gotta stop doin', you gonna be VERRRRY sad."
Tonight - Lucky Horseshoe (new venue - by request - CASH ONLY)
Special performance by Mr. Lucky and the Cocktail Party (possible small cover charge)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I was riding my bike home the other night when I came across a couple teenage grrrrls throwing a pair of sneaks with the laces tied together up toward the telephone wire between two poles at an intersection. They had two or three shots at it as I approached, two getting close, but none staying up. I slowed. I said, "you know what that is supposed to mean, don't you?" They said no. They said it's supposed to look cool. I said, circling the intersection, "in some neighborhoods it means that there's a drug dealer nearby. It's a signal for people looking to score dope." They said they didn't know that. They were doing it for fun. I said, "now you know," and turned back toward home.
Mid-turn I noticed a guy on a motocross bike coming my way and I yielded for him. "Thanks," he said. I said, "sure." Then, "hey, you ride this street often?" He said yes, that he lived right up there, and pointed up there. I said, "how do you like the buttwipes that don't stop for the stop signs, you notice this street is pretty bad?" He said hell yes. He doesn't take the signs for granted that anyone will stop at them. I appreciated his attention and figured he's noticed what I noticed: That no one stops for the signs. I said, "good man. Gotta be careful around here." He said he always was. I said cheers and cranked home. The next second I heard a crash - not unlike a guy on a motocross guy wrecking. I looked back and indeed he had gone down. I turned around and rode up to him. A sixty-something black woman crossing the street toward him "Holy shit, dude, you okay?" He said yeah. "What happened," I asked. "I tried to bunny-hop the curb and I ate it. Damn." I asked him if he was really okay as he futzed with the chain on his bike. "Yeah, I am. Thanks for stopping." Then the black lady, who was passing, said, "there will come a time when you find yourself too old to try such things. They don't work out so well."
I stopped my bike and looked her square in the eyes. She stopped, turned toward me, put a fist on her hip and returned the look. I asked her, "what else we gotta stop doing when we get older?" She looked at me for a second, then said, gravely, "Honey, I tell you what all you gotta stop doin', you gonna be VERRRRY sad."
Tonight - Lucky Horseshoe (new venue - by request - CASH ONLY)
Special performance by Mr. Lucky and the Cocktail Party (possible small cover charge)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Fixed It
3.5.2017
I forget why, but I was reminded of the flight we had back from Europe ten twelve years ago.
We were over the North Atlantic, chasing the setting sun and had been at it for hours. Earlier, I had switched-on my handheld GPS and set a way point and named that way point "nowhere," as we were south of Greenland and I could see icebergs 36k feet below us.
The giant fireball eventually won the race and we were flying in the gloaming, then deep twilight, then, eventually, darkness. We still had a long way to go, so I tried to get some Zs, and when that wasn't happening, I read for a while, since my wife was able to sleep.
A while later, my light fizzled and went out. I flicked it a couple times and switched it on and off, but it was dead. I tried to change the orientation of my cool sleeper seat (we were in biz class), but the controls were not responding. I prairie-dogged my head over the row in front of me and saw the cabin crew a row or two forward. One had a panel open and was futzing with electronics inside. A couple others were consulting manuals and chattering about what they were finding in German (it was Lufthansa). It was very clear to me that something was wrong and they were trying to fix it.
In short order, a short, fat American asshole waddles up and announces, "my tee vee ain't workin'." A six and a half foot, blonde, Bavarian flight attendant eyed her, wondered how grandpa lost the war to this idiot and said, "Ve are experiencing a technical problem zat will be alleviated shortly, madam. Please kehren Sie zu ... ah ... please return to your seat." "But it won't work," said the Amerikaner, "won't turn on." "Jah, jah, ve fix," said the flight attendant.
I shook my head. "Look around, shithead," I thought, "the lights are off, nothing works, and the crew is dicking around behind panels. Your monitor is the least of their problems."
We live in this world. Little problems are bigger than big problems.
Tonight - The Homestead
(5th Thursday of the month. That's reason enough to celebrate)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
I forget why, but I was reminded of the flight we had back from Europe ten twelve years ago.
We were over the North Atlantic, chasing the setting sun and had been at it for hours. Earlier, I had switched-on my handheld GPS and set a way point and named that way point "nowhere," as we were south of Greenland and I could see icebergs 36k feet below us.
The giant fireball eventually won the race and we were flying in the gloaming, then deep twilight, then, eventually, darkness. We still had a long way to go, so I tried to get some Zs, and when that wasn't happening, I read for a while, since my wife was able to sleep.
A while later, my light fizzled and went out. I flicked it a couple times and switched it on and off, but it was dead. I tried to change the orientation of my cool sleeper seat (we were in biz class), but the controls were not responding. I prairie-dogged my head over the row in front of me and saw the cabin crew a row or two forward. One had a panel open and was futzing with electronics inside. A couple others were consulting manuals and chattering about what they were finding in German (it was Lufthansa). It was very clear to me that something was wrong and they were trying to fix it.
In short order, a short, fat American asshole waddles up and announces, "my tee vee ain't workin'." A six and a half foot, blonde, Bavarian flight attendant eyed her, wondered how grandpa lost the war to this idiot and said, "Ve are experiencing a technical problem zat will be alleviated shortly, madam. Please kehren Sie zu ... ah ... please return to your seat." "But it won't work," said the Amerikaner, "won't turn on." "Jah, jah, ve fix," said the flight attendant.
I shook my head. "Look around, shithead," I thought, "the lights are off, nothing works, and the crew is dicking around behind panels. Your monitor is the least of their problems."
We live in this world. Little problems are bigger than big problems.
Tonight - The Homestead
(5th Thursday of the month. That's reason enough to celebrate)
bye-ee!
whrr ... clik!
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